


What's the Point of Being a Normal

by hyunmirae



Series: Fate and Love Don't Always Blend [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Bullying, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Depression, Domestic Violence, F/M, Female Severus Snape, Gen, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:20:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 50,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23292364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunmirae/pseuds/hyunmirae
Summary: It's a normal tradition in wizarding world that when you reach seventeen, you will meet your soulmate and you will fall in love whether you like it or not.But for Severus Snape, the biggest hater of love/soulmate thingy, having a soulmate equals to nightmare. As you can see, our dear Severus is a girl in disguise, yeah she is a girl and no one knows it.Leave alone that James Potter, her enemy is her soulmate.Fate is really indeed a bitch.
Relationships: James Potter/Severus Snape, Regulus Black/Severus Snape, Remus Lupin/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon
Series: Fate and Love Don't Always Blend [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675090
Comments: 333
Kudos: 403





	1. Happy Birthday!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys! So, this is my first time writing fanfic—I don't know how AO3 works and English is not my mother tongue so expect wrong grammars but I'll try my best to make my fanfic as good as possible. I'm still studying english and I'm trying my best to sink it inside of my brain.
> 
> Soon, I will correct grammar mistakes in my story, when the day comes that I am finally better at English.
> 
> Don't expect things you might expect, like what will happen next because me also, I don't know what will come next because I'm just going with the flow, typing what comes in why mind and go with it. You are not the only one who will get surprised when the story is finish, me too shockingly.
> 
> Because I believe in the phrase, "the story write itself" and who will create an effective story who already knows the ending?
> 
> Surprise is the best element I can give you.
> 
> Don't worry, I will not include things that's out of league. I tried so hard to stop myself from making wild, out of this world plot (please do not include the plot of this story, its not wild and out of this world for now, perhaps). You know what I mean, so don't worry you are in the right hands.
> 
> Sometimes, you will encounter the time that it takes so long before I update. Don't worry, I'm just twisting my brain, typing words that suddenly pop at my brain. 
> 
> Just wait dear readers for the updates. I love making stories because it is my stress reliever, its just I'm not immune in author's block and laziness.
> 
> I always update once or twice every week, and it depends on my mood and everyday situations.
> 
> And lastly, I don't own the Harry Potter series.

It is an old tradition in Wizarding World to meet your soulmate when you reach seventeen......

Its 11:59 pm, still January 8 if you mind and Severus cannot sleep though she tried her best to fall asleep. Many things are running on her mind and one of it is it's only one minute to go and she will be trapped on the "soulmate" thingy that many girls her age impatiently waits. 

Severus look at her left side and she envy how chill Avery while sleeping. No one knows that Severus is a girl even Lily, her ex best friend.

Severus looks at the clock, its 12 o'clock then suddenly her right arm ache as it leave a mark that Severus knows so much...

"Bloody hell..."

***

It is said that in your seventeenth birthday, your soulmate's patronus will etched to your skin as a reminder that you belong to each other.

Severus can't eat even though she wants so badly, something from her system is telling her not to eat something, even the cheese bread in front of her that looks so appetizing.

Severus look at other house tables, wondering if her soulmate is unfortunately here.

Is he someone older? Is that the reason why she can't find him?

Or maybe... He is months younger than her soulmate.

No....

Yes, Severus still have no idea who the hell her soulmate is. But she knows what the mark is. Girls above her years, last year happily broadcast to the whole slytherins that they finally receive their mark.

How sickening.

'How dare you fate to tell me what I will do to my life!'

'I will do whatever I want.'

"Hey! Eat something mate." Someone on her right said then suddenly she heard a large bang.

But the biggest problem is not everyone can produce a patronus, leave alone the dunderhead one. Sounds like you can escape right? Actually, no. Love will always find you, wherever you like it or not.

And that's the reason why Severus hates love to the moon and back.

Love is not for anyone, and she already knows it. 

No one needs to remind her...

As long as Severus's memory is not failing her, she knows that her Slytherin housemates are not all redhead. So what the hell is happening?

"Look at those slimy snakes! Red looks better on them, isn't it?"

Severus touch her hair, her hair stay black! What the hell is going on?

Why is she the only one who doesn't have an annoyingly bright red hair?

The food! Those arrogant gits know that Slytherin values breakfast...

"Oh my god! Too many red!" One Slytherin, Severus do not remember what is his name is, but she knows that he is a first year run so fast.

'Maybe he hates red. I really understand him.'

While her roommate Avery, look at her and grab her short and err greasy hair so hard then he yell at her.

"Do you know what's going on Snape? Why your hair is still bloody black!" 

Severus don't know what to say. She can't say that she just know that her system is telling her that do not eat, Slytherin will think that she help those arrogant Gryffindor. Hah! Never in her life she will allow that to happen.

"I don't know. Maybe it's my lucky day, you know?"

Severus sigh and she looks at her Slytherin mates, they—not including her possess a bright red hair, a hue that even a three years old toddler know that no one in this earth can have a hair like this.

Severus leave the great hall with heavy heart. This is too much for today.

First, she receive her mark.

Second, Potter pranks everyone in Slytherin.

Third, Slytherin gave her deadly glare.

Fourth, it is her birthday.

No one knows of Severus birthday, except Lily of course. Last year, she gave a bracelet that Severus really adores, but James nicked it from her.

If only I know that...that bracelet is the last present that I will receive from Lily...

"I just want an ordinary and peaceful day. Why can't they give that to me? Is that too much for a birthday gift?" Severus murmur as she walks alone and miserable.

"This is too much..." She whispered, while on the other side, her soulmate feel something that he can't understand.

"Oi mate! What's going on?" Sirius ask James as he look at his happy suddenly into turned gloomy mate.

"I don't know mate, It's just I feel something different...my heart feels so heavy."

"What's it? Are you okay?" Remus interrupt his two mates and tap James's back while Peter look at James curiously.

"I don't know, but doesn't it matter." James sigh and he looks at his friends.

"Let's go back to eat."

'I feel guilty from the prank that I pull from the Slytherins and I don't know the reason why.'


	2. Chocolate, Vanilla and Raspberry

Severus look at her time table and her eyes went as big as charger plates as she read her monday schedule.

Double potion with Gryffindor.

Great.

'Monday is always bad. Everyone in Slytherin will agree with me.'

Severus sigh as she imagine what mischief those incompetent Gryffindors will do in class especially on Potions.

"Good morning Professor Slughorn." Severus greet Professor Slughorn as she enter the potion dungeon.

Severus admit that she kinda hate Professor Slughorn, although he is the head of Slytherin— yes you read it right, her very own house. As we all know, Professor Slughorn practice favoritism whether we admit it or not, and it is the trait of her Potions Professor that Severus hates so much.

'If I am not good enough in Potions, I will never be part of his Slug Club. But those Marauders!'

As you can see, Severus only became a member of Slug Club when Professor Slughorn saw her potentials in Potions, while the Marauders—Potter especially, he automatically became a member of Slug Club at the moment that he stepped his foot on the train.

'At least, I was recognized by my talent, not by fame nor money.'

"Why you're so early m'boy? Your classmates are still at the great hall if I'm not mistaken." Professor Slughorn ask as Severus sit on her favorite spot, at the back of the classroom.

'No one is still here, I see. Slytherins will be late for sure.'

"I just want to go here early, Professor. So I can sit where I want." Severus open her book and she started to read quietly and undisturbed, unless Professor Slughorn is asking questions that related on potions or personal questions like if she dated girls before.

'As If I like a girl professor.'

A thought of dating a girl makes Severus feel uncomfortable. Her mom who follows old traditions strictly will surely kill her if she discover that Severus dated a girl and her dad who didn't know that his child is really a girl not a boy who he think she is will only laugh at her until she die. 

Love will never be part of her.

'Nah, he will faint if I said, "Oh professor, I like boys!" Everyone knows that I'm a boy, not a cute damsel in distress.'

Severus smirk as she imagine how her head of house will react. Professor Slughorn wants Severus's love life to exist as he keeps on playing matchmaker, continuously pinning her at different girls at Hogwarts, but as always girls ditch her.

'Maybe he will laugh, thinking that I'm only denying and I am on the phase what muggle called "self denial".'

'Whatever'

Most of her potions class, except when double potions, Severus can sit on her favorite spot. But when those Gryffindor are there, her favorite sit is always taken.

Severus considered her sixth year to be half good than the other years as OWLs came and half of percent of students that taking Potions drastically drop.

But still, Severus is still not satisfied of result as the Marauders manage to passed Potions. 

"Oi Severus!" Severus stop at reading when Evan Rosier called her, her worst ever potions partner—she doesn't really have a choice if you want to know.

'How many cauldrons Rosier blew up this several months?'

"Still a redhead?" Severus tease Rosier. Rosier make face and Severus pat his shoulder.

"Now you know what I feel when those Gryffindor attack me." Rosier only nod. He painfully accept that he don't know the counter spell for this stupid, "harmless"—according to Dumbledore, prank.

"I can't believe that the headmaster favor those morons over us! We are the victim, not them!" Severus cut off Rosier when Slytherins—still wearing red hair and Gryffindors enter the classroom.

"Good morning students! Who can tell me this potion?" Professor Slughorn ask the students more attentively than ever, and it makes Severus raise an eyebrow.

'He sounds suspicious today. '

Half of the students were shocked when Sirius Black suddenly stands up to answer their potions professor. He never recites! Severus can't recall the last time she saw Sirius Black study.

'Is the hell freezing over?'

"Oh, I know that professor! It is a love potion and its called amortesia!" Sirius Black say emphasizing the word amortesia. Half of students giggle as he mispronounce the poor potion. 

"Stupid as ever, I see. How sad that girls choose looks over brain." Severus whisper as she watch Black recites.

"Your right! But its not called amortesia mister Black." Black sit down and his friends comfort him. Severus swear that she heard Lupin telling to him, "That's okay, at least it's half right."

"Now, who can tell more about this potion? Mister Black left us a clue that it is an love potion! How about you miss Evans?" Severus's heart begin to stop when she heard Lily's name. How long is it when she last heard her voice? Severus really miss Lily, her only best friend. It's so sad that Lily choose not to forgive her.

"It's Amortentia professor, known to be the most powerful love potion in existence. It causes a powerful infatuation or obsession from the drinker. It has a distinctive mother-of-pearl sheen, and steam rises from it in characteristic spirals." Lily said calmly. Severus remember that last year, months before their "fallout", Severus tell Lily about the amortentia potion.

"Very good! Five points to Gryffindor! Miss Evans is correct! Amortentia is considered to be a powerful and highly dangerous potion. As stated it's dangerous to underestimate a powerful infatuation. Despite its power, Amortentia doesn't create actual love; it's impossible to manufacture or imitate love. The person under the effect of the potion will only hold an obsession for the person who administered it." Professor Slughorn said cheerfully then suddenly he called Severus who is still day dreaming to go the front to do the most embarrassing thing to do in the front of class, to smell the amortentia and tell them what attracts you the most.

"Amortentia's scent is multi-faceted and varies based on what the person likes, according to what attracts them. What do you smell mister Snape?"

Severus's nose twitch as she recognize what she smells.

Chocolate, vanilla and raspberry.

With the exception of Lily, no one knows that Severus dearly loves the smell of chocolate, because there is a bakery that bakes a good chocolate cake near at her house but sadly, never in her entire life she tasted it because her parents cannot afford it while vanilla, Severus wears only one scent, her dormates know it so well—vanilla.

While raspberry on the other hand, she doesn't even like it. So why she smells raspberry on Amortentia?

One thing left on her mind.

'Seriously?'

"I smell chocolate, vanilla and raspberry." Severus said to Professor Slughorn and the whole class started to burst into laughter.

'Yeah, laugh until you want losers.'

"Why you smell food? Are you attracted in cake?"

"Chocolate, vanilla and raspberry? Maybe she's attracted to it because she cannot afford to buy one!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knows that Snape fantasize foods? Maybe he even dream of it!"

Severus go back to her sit while her classmates are still laughing.

'It is not funny! I think, I will die of embarassment."

"I don't like raspberry, you know." Severus whisper to Rosier. Rosier smile and pat Severus at her shoulders

"Maybe you're hungry, you know." Severus nod while glaring at Gryffindors.

"What do you think I will smell?" Rosier ask Severus hopefully and she just give him an eye roll.

"See for yourself, Rosier. I'm not you, I don't even know what you likes!"

Rosier laugh. Professor Slughorn invite everyone on class to go to the front to smell the amortentia.

'I feel so offended. Why professor decided to call me in the front to do the smell test alone and broadcast it in the front of everyone?'

On the other hand, when it's James Potter turn to smell the amortentia, he assumes that one of the scent he smelled is from Lily Evans. Everyone knows that James has a crush on Lily Evans since first year, and only blind will not notice it.

"What do smell mate?" Sirius ask James while laughing. At least, James answer him smiling and he said:

"I smell a newly polished broomstick handle, a freshly burnt seasoned firewood and vanilla."


	3. Is That Too Much For a Birthday Gift?

January 9, 1971

12:00 am

Eileen Snape always telling to her darling daughter that time runs so fast.

Yesterday, she's still a baby.

Today, she is now old enough to study at Hogwarts.

Tomorrow, Severus will be finally free at the hands of her abusive father.

Like children at her age, Severus didn't understand a thing from the words of her mother and thoughts keeps on stacking at her curious mind, like if time runs so fast just like what her mother said, why she is still waiting for tomorrow? 

For her, it feels like time runs so slow.

"Time is a tricky thing dear, always remember that." her mother always answer to her, then leaving Severus alone—wondering what's the meaning behind her mother's cryptic answer.

***

An eleven years old Severus Snape starring at her old, blurry, cracked, body mirror wondering why she is different, asking her reflection why she needs to disguise as a boy and why she is so unlucky.

Severus touch her reflection and just like before, her reflection didn't answer her.

If there is a thing that Severus hates more than wearing a boy's clothes, it is her name. It is so manly and it sounds so wrong and painful to her ears, as it hugely contrast what Severus really is.

A girl.

Severus envy girls at her age. They can wear what clothes they want, they can play dolls, they can act like a girl, they are named according to their gender and people know that they are girl. Sadly, its the luxury that Severus will never experience and because of that, Severus hailed herself as the unluckiest girl who ever live.

Severus once ask her mom why she needs to pretend as a boy, but her mom shush her and slap her mouth to stop her from talking. "Tone down your voice, Severus! Do you want your father to hear you and beat you to death? You're just lucky that I managed to tricked your father that I gave birth to a son! Tobias wanted a son to carry his line and if he discover that his son is a girl, he won't think twice to kill you." It feels like her mother's words stab her little heart, leaving it bleeding. Severus cannot believe it, her father will beat her to death if he discover that she is a girl. Why her father doesn't want a daughter? It is so pointless, and so painful for her.

Her mother's words sink deep inside of her mind and because of that, Severus never ask her mother once again even though she wants to.

"What is your problem Tobias? Why are you drinking again!"

It feels like Severus's blood stop to circulate when she heard her parents talking about her and magic again.

"My problem? You and your spawn, witch! I said that give me a son, and you gave me one. But I didn't say that you will give me a worthless, freak one!"

Worthless.....

Freak.....

Heaven knows that Severus really tried her best to deny to herself what her father said to her as she tries to forget it as fast as she can—as soon as possible, but it keeps in sinking deep at her heart and it really hurts so much.

Severus hear her mother scream and she feels her heart leaps away from her fragile chest.

"No, no, no. This can't be happening. Not again, please..." Severus whisper while she shakes her head. It's no doubt that parents are fighting again. Severus can hear it, even though she is walls apart from her arguing parents.

Like what always Severus do, she automatically hides from the old wardrobe inside her small bedroom, pretending that she doesn't exist. Severus close her eyes as she cover her two sensitive ears, murmuring soft words to herself to ease the fear that her body feels.

"Just pretend that you do not exist at all Severus. Just pretend then nothing bad will happen." She continuously whisper while traitorous tears escape from her glassy obsidian eyes, asking why universe hates her so much.

It feels like everything betrays her when she didn't heard her parents anymore.

Why? Because something bad always happen when silence suddenly eats the tension between her parents.

She hear the door open and Severus hug her own body as she tries to shield herself from the invisible threat that is coming to her.

"Severus, Severus. Where is my dearest son? Wanna play hide and seek?" Her father sing as he walk inside her small bedroom. Severus can smell her drunk father even though she's hidden and Severus can hear her even though she is hidden under the pile of her large clothes.

"When I find you, you are really in big, big, big, big, big trouble!" Severus already knows it but still, a part of her still believes that Tobias will not see her. That he will not beat her again today.

"Are you under the bed? No!" Tobias look under the bed and got dissapointed when he didn't see his daughter. Tobias click his tongue and he sing again.

"Why is my dearest son hiding from me! Are you under the table? No!" Tobias laugh as he look down the table and frown when he didn't see Severus.

Severus cover her mouth to stop herself from creating a noise, she knows that her father already knows where she hides. Tobias look at the old wardrobe where Severus might hiding and he whistle while walking slowly.

"I think I know where is my dearest son! Are you hiding inside the wardrobe?"

Severus's heart literally stop.

No!

The wardrobe's door suddenly open and Severus went pale as white as chalk as she saw her father grinning at her then suddenly her eyes went down at his large hand.

Her father have a belt on his hand...

"Gotcha Severus!" Severus scream as her father grab her and throw her at the nearest wall hard. Severus feel her ribs cracked but she paid no attention, as his father raised his hand, ready to whip her using his leather belt.

Severus cry harder when she feel her father's leather belt touching her skin. She buried her head under her chest while hugging herself tighter, trying to ignore the pain that she starts to feel.

"Act like a boy and don't cry! Son of mine doesn't cry." Tobias suddenly feel joy as he hear the sound of leather belt's impact on her daughter's skin. Severus repeatedly beg at her father to stop but Tobias didn't listen. For him, Severus is just a big mistake, a punishment that he forcefully endure everyday.

"Father, please..." 

***

January 10, 1977

3:37 am

Severus wakes up as she successfully escape from her nightmare—blinking her eyes repeatedly and tears wildly escape from her eyes while asking herself. 

Why that painful memory?

Every year, Severus always dreaming of it, as if it was already programmed in her system. 

Severus close her eyes, trying to sleep again while blocking her thoughts that are running inside her mind. 

A few minutes... a miracle happened, Severus finally fall asleep.

Thankfully, she did.

Severus looks so peaceful while sleeping, as if nothing happened and harm didn't ever kiss her even though in reality, it will never happen, not even a single day.

If there is a one thing that Severus fail to see, it is saying a same sentence every year, in the same date—though sometimes, it feels like she already said it before because she always complain even on single things.

Sometimes, we do not always remember what words escape from our mouth...

If it is right or wrong, or if we already hurt people or not.

She doesn't know if it is an coincidence or not, if there is a reason behind why a little girl unconsciously asking the same question every year. A sentence that her heart knows so well that it makes her eyes cry like the rain.

"Is that too much for a birthday gift?"


	4. Believe What You Want To Believe

"Many people argue on what is the real purpose of soulmates, wondering why fate is keep on dictating people on who they must love. It is a big mystery why the soulmate mark shaped like your partner's patronus and why people can't stop loving the person that is meant for them even though they don't like it at the first place. But the big question is, how will you know it? Many people said that you will just feel it, as if your heart is like a music box and you sing for her."

James smile as he listen to Remus reading the opening message of Larissa Peverell, the author of the five hundred years old book about soulmates that most teenagers in his age still read.

"Moony, when I see Lily my heart is like a music box and it sings for her." James say who feels like he is floating somewhere in the clouds. Sirius suddenly got alarm and he hit James's shoulder to wake him up from his daydreaming.

"It is not like that." Remus murmur but James didn't care and he drew hearts in the air. Sirius's nose twitch at James's behavior, he is never that love sick before as long as he can remember.

"Who do you think is Moony's soulmate?" Peter ask curiously while playing at his small and fat fingers. Remus stop from reading and he glare at Peter while Sirius just roll his eyes at Remus.

"Oi! Wormy don't start, you know that our dear Moony maybe take an oath to be single forever. If his bitterness is really deadly, James and I are already dead." Sirius joke while spelling the letters of her girlfriend's name, Marlene in the air. Weeks has been passed, finally it's Valentine's day. A day that some people patiently wait and some people hates to the core.

"Moony, you know that Lily's birthday already pass, right? What do you think about her mark? I'm pretty sure that my patronus is the one that marked on her skin." James ask, wondering what is form of his patronus, Peter just shrug at him when their eyes met. 

'Maybe, it's a stag.'

"How are you sure about it? There are too many girls here in the world and Lily might not be your soulmate. It can be the person that you are least expecting." Remus said, trying to shield James from harm and pain that he may receive if he discovered that Lily, his crush for six years is not his soulmate.

"Nah. I just know deep inside that she is the one for me, that James plus Lily equals forever." James said while doing some hand gestures. 

James decided to propose Lily to be his girlfriend. His friends promised to help him, giving him some tips like what kind of flowers she will give to her. James originally planned to give Lily lillies but Sirius stop him and said that it is only given to those who are already dead and it's rude, so he decided to give dark red carnations because it means deep love and affection, according to Remus that's pretty good at flower language.

James is sure that Lily is for him, that they are meant for each other. People are always asking how and he always answered, he just know.

"Whoever is Snivellus's soulmate, she is so unlucky and I feel bad for her." Sirius said unconsciously and the two stare at him for five seconds then they burst into laughter except Remus.

"Yeah! I imagine his soulmate's reaction when she found out that her soulmate is none other than the Resident Slimy Slytherin of Hogwarts. I think, before Severus can say a word, his soulmate already killed herself from deep humiliation." Peter add. James make face and he suddenly feel sorry for Severus's soulmate. She have no choice but to accept the slimy git in her heart.

It so strange that James Potter is bounded to someone he doesn't expect, the one person who he hated the most. But because of his foolish desires, because he wished to be with someone he infatuated with even though they maybe don't feel the same, he didn't know that his soulmate is getting hurt every single time he confess his love on someone,unknowingly killing her with words that always making him feel elated.

***

Lily stare at her mark sadly, thinking who is her soulmate. Lily is hoping that her soulmate is someone who she can tolerate and a part of her wishing that James Potter is not her soulmate.

'I will do anything just to get away from him. He only knows trouble, he didn't even studying! If he became my partner for life, my life will have no direction."

Lily look up at Marlene, thinking how she and Sirius become soulmates. Marlene and Sirius are different in every aspects, starting from her blood status and Sirius's family is against Marlene. Even though Sirius is a heartbreaker, he slightly changed when Marlene became his soulmate. Maybe, some things are left unexplainable.

"Marlene! How did you know that Sirius is your soulmate? You didn't even cast patronus charm to find out." Marlene stopped from fixing her hair, giving her hairbrush on Alice, who is on her left side.

"Well, you remember what professor Binns said in class three years ago? When patronus still doesn't exist? I suddenly feel connected at Sirius and when I saw him kissing a random girl at Hogsmeade, I cried even though I don't know the reason why and he nearly faint because he felt my deeo sorrow. I just gave him a very painful heartache then the rest is history." Marlene wince when she said the words "kissing a random girl", it sounds so bad at her ears and she suddenly feel a horrible desire to pull the every strands hair of "random girl" Sirius kissed, leaving the girl bald.

"What will you do if James Potter is your soulmate? I heard that fifty percent of people ended up with their crush. James has fifty percent chance and it's bad for you." Alice suddenly asked out of no where and Marlene laugh. Lily just sigh, thinking of worst things might happen if James Potter is really her soulmate.

"I'm not sure about that. Maybe I'll hung myself."

'If I found out that Potter is not my soulmate, I will celebrate. I know its bad, but I hope Potter will end up on someone he cannot stand.'

"Come on! The probability is not that high! Fifty percent that you might end up with someone you are heavily infatuated with, thirty percent on people you know or someone you are close with, fifteen percent on people you don't even know exist, and five percent on someone you don't expect. Until you don't know is it, you still have a chance." Alice cheer up the stressed Lily, who just pouted at her. 

"Whatever Alice. Deny as long as you can. You really believe on that theory?" Marlene said to Alice as she leaves the two alone to meet Sirius. Marlene just waved her hands at the two girls, feeling that there will be some stunts that James will do today.

"Yah! Let's go Lily, before we see Potter doing something again." Alice pull Lily, and she just smile as they went some place that is "Potter and Co. Free".

***

"Snape!" Severus look at her back when she heard McNair, her housemate. Severus just sigh and she come closer at McNair and his friends.

"Answer this and give it to me tomorrow morning. Its too hard and Cirilla and I will enjoy the day." Severus eyes went large, it can't be! Because of the stunt that McNair manage to pull yesterday, Professor McGonagall decided punished the Slytherins who's attending transfiguration to make fifty foot essay about human transfiguration and they need to pass it tomorrow whether they like it or not. Severus already finished her essay but she will never do McNair's! It takes four hours to make one, and Professor McGonagall strictly prohibits erasures which made their task harder that usual.

"No. I'm sorry McNair but I cannot do yours." Severus said with dignity even though she know herself that she is now scared of what will be the result of her defiance. 

"What did you say filth? You will not make mine? Remember your place half blood, I'm more superior that you and you must obey me." Severus wince but still, she show no remorse. McNair's friends whisper something at McNair, Severus doesn't know what it is, but she is sure for one thing.

This is bad. 

But it didn't stop her.

"I will not! It's too much and why don't make yours? It's your fault for the first place." McNair lose his patience and he ordered his friends to drag Severus in the male's comfort room.

"Where will we go?" Severus ask McNair, but he didn't answer.

McNair's friend throw Severus at the wall hard and they started to cast spells they know. Severus just close her eyes, hoping that they still don't know how to cast unforgivable curses.

Severus cannot believe that she is still somewhat lucky because the capacity of the brain of McNair and his friends is just like an eight years old. The spells that they inflicted to her won't kill her and it just leave a nasty bruises on her pale skin—not too serious but still, it bloody hurts.

McNair and his friends feel tired and finally leave Severus. At the moment, she wants to be alone, she wants to escape her world even in a short amount of time.

'It's so hard to be outcast. They just want me if they need me, and they treat me like a trash if I have no use for them.'

Severus stand up while wincing from the pain and she starts to walk slowly but her feet automatically stopped when she saw the Marauders. Luckily they didn't notice her because they are busy so she use her time to escape, stopping herself from the danger that keeps on calling her. 

Sometimes, Severus can't help but to pity herself, everything is already too much for her since she draw her first breath. It is so unfair that people always picking up the weak ones, choosing people that can't fight them back because they can't.

Severus always spending her free period in her favorite location, using her free period to escape from the madness of the world. The old cherry blossom tree near the lake is one of Severus's companion, because it is always there when she needs it like now. Severus sit under the tree as she feel the soft cold breeze, trying to forget every insults she heard. Even though Severus doesn't like her fellow Slytherins, which hugely contrast on what everyone thinks, Severus still let them to enter her life in order to survive, because she has no one and no one will ever save her from falling.

Severus stop from what she is doing when she feel an unknown pain that's growing inside her chest.

'It hurts...'

Severus touch her chest, feeling alarmed on what is going on. Severus heard all the spells that McNair and his friend casts and nothing is too dangerous except the one who leaves out a nasty bluish bruise on her cheekbone. She tried to relaxed herself, she know all the spell the cast on her, convincing herself that her body is just reacting.

Severus close her eyes, she can't handle the pain that becomes more painful in every seconds that has been passed. It is more painful than the usual beating she always receive from her father, the one that she is familiar with, the one that she can bear and hold for a long time.

Severus lose her consiousness while tears wildly escape from her eyes.

***

"Lily! I really love you, will you be my girlfriend?" James smile at Lily and he gave dark red carnations at her. Lily didn't realized what the flower means but she still accepts it. The crowd grew larger and they are chanting at them, wanting them to be together.

"Please Lily, accept my love for you. You accepted my offer to be my date last October after five hundred eighty two attempts, you gave me hope. I'm changing, you see! I stopped pranking one month ago." James said proudly and Lily just smiled.

"I'm sorry James, but I can't answer you now. Just wait, okay? I wanted to see you to change completely not only because of me."

It's alarming that James didn't know the half of rules about Soulmates, the consequences you will face when you love someone who is not meant for you in the first place. He didn't know that his soulmate feel the most painful heartbreak that she will ever feel inside her heart, and it might kill her if James continue to love Lily.

He didn't know that while he is professing his love in other girl, her soulmate got a heartbreak from the simple I love you that he said even though she didn't heard it.

***

Severus open her eyes and the first thing she see is none other than Madam Pomphrey. Her body aches so much, she cannot deny it but Severus didn't mind it. What she minds now is how unlucky she is today to end up in infirmary.

'I smell trouble.'

"What happened to you? Why did you have bruises on your face?" Madam Pomphrey ask while scolding her, repeatedly saying how much trouble she is now.

"It's fine. Someone just attacked me, just like before." Severus smile, pulling the "Just like before" string to Madam Pomphrey and just like before, she accepts it.

"Is that the reason you fainted?" Severus tries to resist herself from eye rolling, she never got fainted just because of petty curses she received. She's getting annoyed of Madam Pomphrey, she wanted to leave as soon as possible.

"No! I feel something different." Severus said honestly to cut Madam Pomphrey from acting like a concern person. She is just asking her because it is her job and that is one of the things that Severus hates. Someone is just caring of her because they are obligated to do so.

Severus stop from talking and she close her eyes, remembering what happened to her.

"My heart ache so bad and I don't know the reason why. I don't also know the reason behind why my tears won't stop streaming down my face." She said while trying to remember the important details.

"What it feels, Mr. Snape?" Madam Pomphrey ask curiously. Something comes from her mind but she's still not sure what it is.

'How old is Severus again? Did his birthday already passed?'

"It feels like I am the saddest and the loneliest person in the world—that the world steal my rights and I will never be whole again." Severus open her eyes, breathing deeply to stop herself from getting anxious.

"Oh dear, let me check you."

Severus just nod. She wants to go now at her house but she know herself that Madam Pomphrey won't allow her.

"Why your clothes are crumpled? Something else happened?" Madam Pomphrey suddenly ask while raising her voice, and Severus just look down.

"No." Severus sigh, she feels like she is a magnet of trouble. As you can see, Madam Pomphrey knows what happened between her and the Marauders because she always landed on infirmary. Then suddenly Madam Pomphrey stop what she's doing and she touch Severus's left shoulder.

"Where did you get the scar from your left shoulder, Mr. Snape?"


	5. Elegant Lies

"Where did you get the scar from your left shoulder, Mr. Snape?"

Severus freeze at the moment.

How keen is her eyesight that she noticed it!

Severus suddenly fix her clothes unconsciously to hide the evidence of her past she swore not to tell to everyone, thinking of correct words to say to Madam Pomphrey to escape her as soon as possible. She is sure that Madam Pomphrey knows what the accident really is because she is a healer and she know what happens in the school every year, but she doesn't know how hard is the impact of accident she received that day.

Yes, she got to an accident at school last year and Madam Pomphrey knows it. But she doesn't know that I leaves a scar on her left shoulder. A reminder that everyone only looks at her as a joke. But because she always caught in trouble, Madam Pomphrey can't tell what accident she got her scar on her left shoulder. A month can't pass without sending her in infirmary at least once and if it doesn't happens, it's really a big miracle. 

Why? Because it doesn't happened yet. It will only happen if she's already dead or she doesn't attend at Hogwarts anymore.

Tragic right? Everyone will agree at her for the first time.

"I fell in the stairs from home last summer." Severus lie while biting her cheeks. She knows that Madam Pomphrey will not buy her lie this time. No one gets a large scar by simply falling from the stairs and her house doesn't even have a stairs from the first place!

'Its good that she doesn't know where and what my house looks like. It made lying to her easier.'

"I'm feeling fine now, Madam Pomphrey. I will go back now at my dorm." Severus said fast and a bit unlear while she gets up. She can still feel the pain from her body, especially from her chest but she doesn't mind it for now. She can't lie to Madam Pomphrey anymore and if she caught her, she is dead.

'My body still bloody hurts everywhere! But I choose this rather than an unescapable hot seat with Madam Pomphrey.'

She looks at the clock and its already twelve midnight. Madam Pomphrey insist that she can sleep in infirmary instead but she shook her head as she decline her offer, as she feels her system desperate for solitude as always.

"Thank you Madam Pomphrey!" Severus said in fake cheerful voice and Madam Pomphrey just nod even though she looks suspicious and finally, Severus close the door and she sigh so deep before she runs away so fast. Severus feel the cold winter air embracing her as it harshly hit her pale skin that it made her cheeks to turn into pale pink and blowing her light and greasy midnight black hair as if it floats in the air for minutes.

It is a good thing that its finally midnight and no students are in the corridors in this time so she can run freely without noticing and bumping everyone and she will not fall in detention as teachers already knows that she is always in infirmary.

Severus run until she can't do it anymore. Her feet ache so bad as she stop to look around at her surrounding and look where she landed with her own two small feet. She look at the right side of the large corridor and she saw the male comfort room where she got hurt earlier. Severus enter and she feels relieved when no one is inside.

"Ahhhhhh!" She screams from the top of her lungs as she feels the frustration slowly eating her while pulling her hair harshly.

She sit on the dry floor of the comfort room as her body failed to follow her anymore, leaning in the cold, hard wall as she grasp for air badly. It made her back to feel more painful than before as it absorbs the cold but it made her feel normal. 

Maybe for everyone, feeling intolerable pain doesn't sound fine or normal. But for her perspective, it is how her life normally runs.

***  
May 19, 1976

4:00 pm

It's their free period Severus and Lily decided to spend their time near the lake. Lily lean on the tree, her body is ready to fall in sleep when suddenly, Severus who rarely feels excited shakes her. Lily open her eyes and she rose her right eyebrow at Severus as their two eyes met.

"What?" Lily whisper while rubbing her eyes. Severus put her hand on her shoulder then she look straight at her glistening green eyes and said, "Lily, I know this is really unbelievable but please believe me now. Lupin is always sick when full moon always arrive! I always see him in the infirmary and its already sickening, trust me. I know deep inside that he is really a werewolf, its just I don't have a strong evidence to prove it!"

Severus tell to her one and only best friend what runs in her mind but it only made Lily laugh at her. Severus give Lily a deadly glare, but her friend is already immune at her intimidation, it won't work at Lily no matter how hard she tried.

"Hey, don't glare at me! Stop your theory right now before anyone hears you and hail you as mad. You don't need another title." Lily warns her while stopping her blabbering best friend by putting her hand on her soft lips. Severus roll her eyes and it made to Lily to giggle more.

"You know, it sounds ridiculous and the headmaster will not allow it to happen." Lily said to assure her friend that Lupin is not a werewolf because first, it is very unbelievable and second it is so untrue. The headmaster will never let the harm to touch his students, right? 

But two young girls doesn't know that meters away behind them, young Sirius Black is listening at them secretly. Sirius clench his fist as he discovered that his friend's secret was discovered by slimy snake. 

'Why he is so damn smart!'

An idea suddenly crossed to his mind and it made his lips grin like a hungry wolf. He will scare Snivellus until she pissed on her pants. He will do it no matter what to consequence is for the sake of his friendship.

'For Marauders.'

***

8:00 pm

Severus walk as fast she can as she exits at the Great Hall. Tonight is full moon and Severus is thinking of ways how to expose Lupin but she stop for a minute when she heard someone called her.

"Severus, wait! Someone leaves a letter at the table, it was address to you." One of Severus's Slytherin friend, a charming fifth grade Regulus Black called Severus while chasing her across the corridor wearing his usual bright smile that always made girls melt. Severus just raise her eyebrow as she tilts her head while looking at Regulus, panting in front of her.

"For me? Who will give me a letter?" Severus ask Regulus while receiving her letter. Regulus just shrug, leaving her alone, wondering. Severus open the letter and her hands shake as she read the mysterious letter.

'Oi Snivellus! I heard that you have suspicions that Remus is a werewolf. Do you think your petty theory is real? 

Go to the shrieking shack, twelve midnight sharp to prove to you that Remus is not a werewolf. Oh, I heard that shrieking shack is known as haunted place, if I do not see you there, you just prove that you are a coward.'

Severus frown at the moment she read letter. She doesn't need someone to help her to decipher who is the one who send her a letter because she already knows it. 

'How come they know that I already know that Lupin is a werewolf?'

Severus crumpled the letter as she walks slowly, thinking of several ways how they manage to discover her hidden secret.

'Did Lily told them?'

Severus shakes her head, Lily will never do that to her. She puts her trust at Lily, and she knows that Lily will never betray her.

***  
12:00 midnight

Nothing really terrifies Snape, and if her little escapade will help her to expose Lupin and destroy the Marauders pieces by pieces, why not? 

Severus enter the shrieking shack and she automatically hug herself as she feels the cold welcoming her. Outside, the shrieking shack looks really haunted, but inside, it just look like an old, stinky, moldy, forgotten place. Severus can hear the floorboard creak as she stepped on it while wandering, searching for Lupin then suddenly, she heard a noise. 

Severus froze on her spot as she feel a sudden chill on the back of her neck, then she turn around and she saw a real hungry werewolf.

It's growling, ready to eat her. Severus can't believe that the Remus she saw everyday is now werewolf, large and untameable, ready to devor her tiny body anytime.

'Bloody hell! Lupin is really a werewolf. I knew it!'

But Severus's joy suddenly gone when the werewolf suddenly chase her. The werewolf run really fast that it makes Severus panic, but it doesn't really matter what she feels right now. 

'Run, just run!'

Severus run as fast she can, trying to block thoughts that keeps on flashing on her mind while her lungs are desperately grasping for air. There is a part of her that is not guilty of wat consequences Lupin may face, but why she didn't think of her safety first?Yes, she wants to expose Lupin, but dying early wasn't on her check list.

'Why I didn't think of it earlier? They want me to be here so I end up dead!'

Severus really tried her best, but her frail legs are now failing her as Lupin—now a werewolf grab her and toss her in the whooping willow really hard. 

'That hurts!'

Severus involuntarily touch her left shoulder, wincing as she feel excruciating pain on her already dislocated shoulder. Severus look at her right hand as it touched her painful left shoulder, it's no doubt that badly bleeds as her body hits the tree with great power. Severus look up in the starry sky as the moonlight hit on her face, waiting for hope to be on her side. But it looks like her luck already runs out when the whooping willow suddenly toss her fifteen feet away when it suddenly sense her, hitting her head in the large sharp rocks as she fall so hard.

Her eyesight become blurry as her head received a trauma from hitting the large sharp rocks, slicing her forehead with great pain. But before closing her eyes, she saw James's shadow, approaching her.

***

Severus tightly clench her fist while chewing her lips when the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore talk to her about the incident.

"Mr. Snape I heard that you discovered that Mr. Lupin is a werewolf. You will not spread even a single word, do you understand?" Severus looks down, looking at the shiny floor while listening at the headmaster.

"But..." Severus said but Professor Dumbledore stops her from talking.

"If I discover that you tried to spread a rumor about Mr. Lupin, telling to everyone that he is a werewolf, I am warning you, you will be expelled." It feels like her blood suddenly stop at circulating when she heard the headmaster say the word expelled.

What!

'It's so unfair and it happens again. He always favor Gryffindor over Slytherin.'

"Yes, headmaster." Severus turns around, ready to leave the headmaster's office when she heard the headmaster speak again.

"And before I forgot Mr. Snape, you will serve one month of detention with Mr. Filch for going in Shrieking Shack in curfew hours."

She close her eyes, asking why other people are more favored than her. Is it because she looks undesirable? Or is it because everyone already judge her when they first saw her.

That is not the first time that she encounters favoritism, it is not even the first time that they choose someone first over her and just like before, it feels like the world is against her again—unfairly fighting her, stabbing her heart with sharp swords continuously until she drop dead.

And because of that, Severus doesn't trust people anymore.

(end of flashback)

***

Severus bite her already chapped lips as she feels it starting to aquiver while closing her eyes, trying to stop her tears from falling but just like before, she fails. She looks at her body, it is like a map of her past perfectly made just for her, but that map will never be beautiful. 

No one knows that she gets hurt everytime people are bullying her. No single person understands her that like other people, she is also a human and she also gets hurt and she feel humiliation too.

No one knows that her father is abusing her, no single person knows her secret even Lily, she only knows that her parents are always fighting, no more, no less.

No one really knows Severus, her former friend only knows the quarter of her life, and Severus has no intention of telling it to her, ever.

No one knows that Severus is always contemplating what is the real reason why she was born in this harsh world if she will only get hurt, bully and abuse in her entire life. It always feels deep inside that everyone only saw her as a piece of broken cheap porcelain plate, never can be mended and designed to throw away.

Suddenly, as long forgotten memory flashed on her eyes, Severus clench her hands when she accidentally saw herself on the mirror reflecting her vulnerable image.

There is a girl who is looking back at her, she looks like a boy and she's not pretty. She is crying because everything is so unfair since she first drew her breath, and she is in deep sorrow because she always feels alone, no one is with her forever.

'I'm not alone, I'm just independent.'

All the emotions she bottled up as long as she remembers suddenly explode. Like her body is a fine, expensive wine bottle filled with well shaked soda that contains great, strong pressure inside and always stopped by cork everytime she feels like she will burst anytime. But this time, the bottle sadly failed its job as cracks forms slowly until it surrounds on its fragile body as the time passes by. Maybe the acceptable reason why is because the pressure inside is already too powerful, it cannot be stop and the cork in the lip of the bottle is too tight for the pressure to escape. All the mirrors that surrounds in the lavatory shatters and some shards went on Severus's face, arms and hands but she doesn't care. Pain is her companion since the beginning and she can't remove it from her life. 

Pain is the only thing from her life that is not ephemeral and cannot be removed, as she can't even stop it. No one knows how hard she tried to hide and escape from it but in the end, it keeps on lingering. And for her, its feels so true as solitude always lines with pain next.

"What kind of life will I have if everyone knows that I am a girl since the beginning?" She wonder while imagining things but just like before, it only happens inside her labyrinth like mind.

'Will it change everything?'


	6. What is the World For the Little Girl's Eyes?

November 16, 1968

Severus patiently sit in the bench, waiting for her classmates to invite her to play with her even though she knows deep inside that they all hate her because she is weird.

Since the first day of class last year, her classmates always giving her weird looks and they are all distancing to her everytime she tries to talk to them, whispering words she can't hear in front of her. There are times that boys are throwing crumpled papers at her and girls are pushing her but teachers don't mind them, as they are also please in what they see.

Outcast. Wherever Severus go, everyone treats her like an outcast and whatever she do, she can't stop them from bullying her.

There are times that her classmates are locking her at the comfort room because they don't want to be with her in the same classroom, making her terribly late in class. Sometimes they are snatching her bag from her and throwing her things from the building, and because their classroom is on the third floor, it takes time before Severus gets her things back and there are couple of times that her classmates are throwing her snack in the garbage or on herself because its old, cheap and unappetizing to see.

Severus watch the pretty girl with red ribbon tied on her hair in front of her laughing while playing jumping rope with other girls at her age. They look happy and nice and because of that, Severus wants to play and befriend them if luck is on her side.

"One! Two! Three!" She heard the girl's playmates shouting while she keeps on jumping. Severus can't help herself but to feel jealous at the pretty girl, her brown hair is long and curly, her skin is like the porcelain doll she once saw at the toy store and there are unbelievably no scars on her smooth skin! She wears beautiful, expensive white knee length dress with red cardigan that makes her clothes really stand and her shoes are new and shiny red mary janes that made her look like a doll.

"Can I join to you?" A reluctant and shy Severus ask to the little group of girls playing at the school playground while waiting the school hours to end. The girls stopped from playing jumping ropes and they look at Severus.

"Why would we play at you? You are a boy and my mommy and daddy said to not play with you!" The girl with red ribbon on hair said to Severus. She only look at the ground to hide her face, ready to cry anytime.

"Yeah! Look at his clothes, its so old, cheap and dirty! And why are you wearing winter jacket? It's still autumn!" The girl who wears yellow dress on the left side of girl the with red ribbon on her hair said. She put her hands on her waist and give Severus a deadly glare an eight year old cannot match.

"Maybe because he is poor! Mommy said his family cannot afford clothes. He even smells like rotten eggs!" The girl with periwinkle blue dress on the right side of the girl with red ribbon on hair said, making Severus burst into tears.

Severus smell herself, she really smells but it is not that bad and she didn't smell like rotten eggs like what the girl with periwinkle blue dress said. The girls laugh at her and because she can't control her emotions, she push the girl with red ribbon on her hair on full force, making her knees that's covered with white tights bleed and because of that, the girl cry.

"Severus!"

Severus suddenly look at her startled teacher, then look again at the girl she pushed. And because the teacher favors the girl over her and because the teacher obviously hated her because she is undesirable, the teacher called his father through phone to get her. And because of that, she ready herself for her father to beat her again.

***

Everyone stop and gave judgemental look at the angry man and pity on the crying little boy as they passed by.

"Father! Stop, it hurts!" Severus plead to her father while dragging her ears using his long, sharp and dirty nails to home, making her tiny ears bleed.

"Stop? You pushed my boss's daughter and because of you I'm now fired at my job!" Tobias said, throwing her at the corner of the house. Severus hug herself, trying to hide from her father's eye but she failed.

"I'm sorry!" Severus starts to cry again, cursing herself silently for crying easily as she wipe her tears making Tobias more angry.

"Sorry, can you provide us money? And why are you playing with girls at the first place, boy?" Tobias ask Severus, not only angry because he gets fired, he is also angry because Severus decided to play with girls in the school.

"Because no one wants to play with me!" Severus bites her lips as she answer back, giving her father an honest answer.

"Tobias, what are you doing?" Eileen tried her best to stop Tobias from beating Severus again, also wondering for the first place why he is the one who picks up Severus from school.

"Severus push my boss's daughter in school and he fired me! Do not stop me or else, I will hurt you too!" Eileen takes Tobias answer as a warning and she leaves the two alone, making Severus shiver from fear as she watch her mother, leaving her from her angry father.

***

Its already midnight but young Severus is still sitting in the cold dark corner, waiting for her father to tell her to get out. No matter how hard she tried her best to close her eyes, she can still see her father's presence like a hungry predator waiting for his frail prey to get out in the shadow. She also, already tried to block her small bleeding ears but she can still hear him shouting her name, filled with insults a child like her wasn't allowed to hear. Her body is shivering in growing cold, pain, fear and despair that's starting to embrace her small and weak body while salty tears are continuously flowing on her purple bruised cheeks. Her mouth was forced to silence, no matter how hard she tried to utter even a single word, no words has ever tried to escape from her little mouth because it was taped by his father to keep her silent and her thin arms and scarred feet are tightly bound by synthetic ropes to stop her from moving and escaping on her tragic end.

Fear, that is the only thing what her brain is screaming right now.

"Shut up and do not make a noise boy or I will sew your mouth!" Tobias shout at her while throwing two empty beer bottles at her and because Severus can't move to dodge the bottles that's coming to her, the sharp shards from the broken bottles cut her face, neck, abdomen and legs, leaving it bleeding intensely.

Her eyes grew as it was suddenly filled with great amount of horror as she was hit with sudden realization. Indeed her father is drunk again, ready to hurt her anytime and she is forced to watch him getting drowned in ocean of despair while stabbing her with sharp insults, filled with deadly words that an eight years old girl must not know.

"Its painful, isn't it? That is what happens to the little boys who didn't listen to their father, they get punished. So boy, will you listen to me now?" Tobias asked to Severus. But because her mouth is taped and her father didn't accept nod as an answer, Tobias stand up from the old wooden chair he was sitting and he walked to Severus's direction in slow pace yet large steps. His rough fingers caress Severus's face, realizing it's undeniably soft but it's scarred with some scars inflicted from his past doings. He removed the tape from her daughter's mouth to hear her answer.

"Why would I listen when you won't?" Severus said, trying to swallowing the fear that keeps on following her. Tobias didn't like her daughter's answer and then he slap her really hard, making her already bruised cheeks red.

"My...dear Severus finally learned to answer his father, huh. Is that what the school teach to the children now a days? How dissapointing."

He pull Severus's hair then throw her at the other side of the house leaving her with huge amount of pain. Tobias shouted at his sobbing daughter while kicking her many times then give a warning before leaving her alone on the cold corner.

"You will listen to me, child. You are trapped here with me in this hell you brought with your mother and you have no choice but to follow me or you else, you will suffer more."

Maybe she is still a child, she make mistakes and there are times that she doesn't heed her parent's words. But what is the world for the little girl's eyes? Of course, it may be filled with colorful stickers, rainbow and unicorns because she still see the world in black and white color. She still doesn't know the proper word on how to describe the world for her and unlike the children around her age that's saying their world is their parents, she is completely against it. She don't know what is the world for her own little two eyes, but she is sure that it is not her parents but sadly, her life is unfortunately revolving around them and she is counting it more like a tragic than a blessing. There is no need to remind her what her parents think about her for every flaw she display. Because since she was born in this world, her innocence was already tainted with pain, darkness, violence and hidden dangers lurking in dark corner, ready to devor her soul.

"I'm just a nightmare plagued by their mistakes..." 

That's only thing she whisper in the dead silence, only hearing the cold wind blowing, quietly crawling from the forgotten open window, murmuring its sympathy to her.


	7. A Prancing Stag

March 27, 1977

"Wake up James or we will be late again!" Remus said to his still sleeping friend while shaking him, hoping that it is strong enough to wake James. Until now, Remus still don't know the reason behind why James is still a heavy sleeper and why on earth he is still doing this every single day.

James open his two glistening hazel eyes while a beautiful smile paints on his face as he realized what is the date today. Well today, March 27 is his seventeenth birthday—a special day if you ask him and today is also the day his soulmate mark finally will show on his body. James suddenly look at his left arm to check if his mark is there though it might be somewhere in his body but still he succeed as he trust his gut as always, James saw a silvery white doe lying on his pale arm and Lily's face suddenly flashed on his eyes.

"Moony! I finally got my mark!" James who is excited finally rose in his bed to show to Remus his mark. 

"A doe?" Remus become as white as chalk as he whisper the word doe while starring at James's pale skin. He suddenly feel his heart beating so fast, that made him unconsciously touch his chest.

"Its wonderful, isn't it? I hope its Lily!" James said cheerfully while getting dress. Remus just nod at his friend as he fake a smile, who like everyone else, doesn't know what form Remus's mark is.

"Do we have class with another house today?" Remus look at his timetable, and he sigh as he saw the word Slytherin on his schedule. He can't deny that he knows that James along with his best friends really hate everyone in Slytherin and everyone also knows it, and there is always a fifty percent chance that something bad might happen if James is near of those Slytherins.

"Yeah, first class. Defence Against the Dark Arts with Slytherin." James frown as he heard his best friend's answer. It looks like his day might be ruined by those "slimy" Slytherin.

James and Remus finally leave the dorm as they went to the Great Hall to eat breakfast but he didn't notice that Remus is disturb. Remus walk slowly as he touch his wrist where his silvery white mark is lying, hiding it as long as he could. He take a deep breath while comforting himself.

"Maybe, its just an coincidence. Relax Remus, it will be not her and it will never be." He whispered as he followed his cheerful best friend.

"Come on, walk faster Moony!" Remus just smile, as he try to hide his worries deep inside of himself while slowly approaching the big trouble closer and nearer as the time passes by.

***

The door suddenly open and a young, good looking Professor Michael Leviste came inside. He, not like the half of population of attractive males that their ego is higher than their IQ, this professor is totally different from them. He is smart and he already proved that he is an effective teacher, a thing that a lot of Defense Against the Dark Arts lack.

"Good morning Professor Leviste!" Mary McDonald said as she can't stop herself from giggling. The blond professor smiled at her while waving at the whole class, showing his shiny pearly white teeth that made the three fourth of girls in his class melt their heart.

But well as usual, of course except Severus. She gave a deadly glare at the professor but he don't notice her because he is distracted and Severus swear that she can feel the hair on her arms, rising.

"Can't he be a proper professor here at Hogwarts? We are not in the circus, his profession is not to be a bloody clown and make the girls giggle! For Merlin's sake, he is a professor and he is supposed to teach us, not making puppy eyes in front of us! He is so annoying and show off." Severus murmur while rolling her eyes at the back of the class. She suddenly looked at the Slytherin girl at her right side and she feel disappointed as she learned that she too, fall on the "charming" but "show off" and "annoying" professor.

"Today, we will learn about patronus." Professor Leviste said as he tried to cut the girls from giggling at him. Severus hear her annoying classmates on her front of her whispering, wondering what form their patronus take.

'Don't assume that you all can cast a corporeal patronus, as half of you possessed a brain smaller than a fly.' Severus sneer as she feel her classmates getting more excited.

Professor Leviste walk around the classroom as he talk in the whole class as he discovered that it is an effective way of teaching. 

"According to Miranda Goshawk, this ancient and mysterious charm conjures a magical guardian, a projection of all your most positive feelings. The Patronus Charm is difficult, and many witches and wizards are unable to produce a full, corporeal Patronus, a guardian which generally takes the shape of the animal with whom they share the deepest affinity. You may suspect, but you will never truly know what form your Patronus will take until you succeed in conjuring it." He said while smiling at himself as he watch his students gasp at his words.

"Can miss McDonald tell me the famous legend about patronus?" Professor Leviste tap Mary McDonald's left shoulder to signal her that he called her to recite in front of everyone. And because Mary McDonald can't stop her emotions because the charming professor tapped her left shoulder, she stand up even though she rarely recite at class. 

"I heard from my grandma that one of the most famous Patronuses of all time was a lowly mouse, which belonged to a young wizard called Illyius. Illyius cast the Patronus Charm when his village was being attacked by the Dark wizard Raczidian and his army of Dementors. Despite the mouse's diminutive size, it shone with a brilliant light, bringing the Dementors to a halt as it nimbly moved through the ranks of fleeing villagers. Enraged, Raczidian decided to enter the fray himself, and tried to summon a Patronus to ward off Illyius's mouse. However, he failed to remember that only the pure of heart can produce a Patronus. Maggots shot out of Raczidian's wand and quickly devoured him as they engulfed his entire body." Mary McDonald said proudly while putting her hands in her chest while sitting down.

"Thank you miss McDonald for giving us an correct answer. According to the history, you already know it if you listened to Professor Binns though I know half of you don't, when competent but unworthy wizards cast the patronus charm, maggots shot out of caster's wand." The class suddenly become silent as he said the word maggot. James, who loves to prank everyone shook his head as he said to himself that pranking everyone is not enough to be unworthy wizard.

"So Professor, is there a possibility that my patronus is a cockroach?" A timid Gryffindor girl ask on the left side of Peter. She briefly look at Peter and he can't stop but to give a small smile to her to assure her that her patronus will never be a cockroach.

"What do you think Miss Hemmingway? We are not sure about that until you cast a perfectly patronus. The specific animal forms that a corporeal Patronus takes will vary from person to person and reflect each individual's innermost personality. Don't worry, I doubt that your patronus will be a cockroach." Professor Leviste said as he pat the timid Gryffindor girl's head, making the girls jealous at her.

"Moving forward, there are several known uses for the Patronus Charm. One of the main use of the Patronus is to drive off certain Dark creatures, such as Dementors and Lethifolds and as it is the only known charm that will work against them. As Dementors feed on happy memories causing humans to drown in their own sorrow and sadness, the Patronus acts as a shield of sorts, of which the Dementor would try to feed off instead — the Patronus is comprised exclusively of positive feelings and cannot comprehend negative emotion, so the Dementor's influence cannot affect it. I believe that everyone knows what Dementors and Lethifold is?" Everyone nod as they answer Professor Leviste's question. James who out of no where raised his right hand in the air, who is really interested in lesson as it captures his attention—a thing that rarely happens, ask Professor Leviste a question.

"I heard that there are corporeal and incorporeal patronus. What's that Professor?" Everyone look at James as he asked a question, including Severus who is writing down important notes on her notebook.

'Bloody hell! Is hell freezing over!' Remus stare at his best friend, as he cannot believe that James is really changing as his interest in studying has dead span of a goldfish. 

"Thank you for giving me an question, Mr. Potter. A successfully conjured Patronus can take two forms: incorporeal and corporeal, and both types vary greatly in their appearances and strength. Incorporeal patronuses not "fully-fledged" Patronuses, and are regarded as a more primitive or weaker version of the Charm. The second one is a corporeal Patronus, the one that is fully-formed, taking the shape of a bright-silver, translucent animal." Sirius who look dumbfounded, look at James as he blink twice. He can't believe that James is really studying and he is not faking every bit of it.

'No way! My mate is really changing!' 

Peter and Remus tap Sirius as he saw his friend staring at James. Sirius questionably look at the two and Remus just return a smile to him while Peter gave him a make face.

"To successfully cast the spell, one begins by mustering the happiest memory they can think of, the happier the memory, the better the charm will work." Professor Leviste said while demonstrating how to cast patronus charm. He drew circle in the air as he use his silver lime wand and then he shout, "Expecto patronum!" A breathtaking huge, silver albatross flew across the room made the students gasp as they watch it carefully, amazed how great their Professor's patronus is. Professor Leviste smirk as he watch his awestruck students, but his attention was drawn by Severus who is too focused on her mark instead of the patronus he cast. He suddenly smiled as he remember something.

"Its beautiful, isn't it? I know it is not covered in your school book but I will tell you the mystery behind the soulmate mark witches and wizards received when they reach seveenteen. Like you, I also got mine and its mare, my wife's patronus. When I was your age, I was wondering why the position of mark varies on each person, because mine is etched on my abdomen and on my classmate is on his neck, but still there is a one similarity that everyone shares. The mark is always silvery white and it shines when the moonlight hits the mark. It's fascinating, isn't it? I discovered that the Patronus takes the image of the love of one's life because they become the 'happy thought' that generates a Patronus. The soulmate mark is made from pure love and joy, and it is the reason why it is silvery white." Professor Leviste said while thinking of the girl he married five years ago.

"My great grandmother said that when soulmates meet at first time, they suddenly feel connected at each other but there are couple of times that it was misunderstood. My great grandfather once thought that my great aunt is his soulmate. It's hilarious and somewhat scary, right?" Severus's classmates laugh as they picture on their mind the reaction of their Professor's great grandfather's reaction. Severus suddenly frown when she was hit by sudden realization if Lily is really James's soulmate, as everyone knows that James is madly in love in Lily since he first laid his eyes on her that made her cringe to the bones.

"Everyone, stand up! Not all of you can cast corporeal patronus today but it's still fine! Not everyone can and you can still find your half without knowing what form your patronus is!" James smile as he stand while facing Peter who is nervous. He cheer up his friend by patting his shoulder.

"Guys, what we will say again?" Peter whisper as he ask his friends. Sirius just shrug at him, who like Peter doesn't remember the words they need to say.

"Expecto patronum, remember that Peter and you too Sirius." James said proudly at his friends. The three give him thumbs up that made him smile more.

"Expecto patronum!" James cast the charm as he think of his three friends and their escapades throughout his school life but only a white smoke appeared on his mahogany wand. 

"Concentrate more and think about a happier memory Mr. Potter!" Professor Leviste said as he saw James trying to cast a corporeal patronus.

"You can do it mate!" Sirius shout cheerfully in the classroom that made the whole class look at them.

"Expecto patronum!" James think of his first quidditch match as it is against Slytherin and Gryffindor win because of him but again, only an white smoke appear on his wand. James close his two eyes as he grasp for air and he smiled as he try to cast the charm again.

'Lily, my soulmate...'

"Expecto patronum!" A silvery white stag finally appear on his wand and it prance around inside the classroom.

Severus, who is trying her best to cast the charm stop as she saw the stag coming to her before it is gone into the thin air. Severus touch her right arm as she close her eyes, telling to herself that James Potter is not her soulmate.

'No! It can't be...' She whisper as she feel the fear rising on her body. She sit on the floor while leaning on the white stone wall, as she can't feel her feet supporting her anyone because of the sudden revelation her two obsidian eyes saw. Severus's mark is clearly a stag and because of that, it made her really anxious deep inside, asking herself why in billion of people in the world, why James?

She shook her head, maybe it's just an coincidence. Stag is a common patronus, right? There is a chance that James is not her soulmate and her patronus is not the one who etched on his enemy's skin. He didn't even know what is James's mark.

"Expecto patronum!" James and Severus suddenly look at Lily as they heard her, trying to summon her animal guardian. She succeed as a silvery white animal appearance on the tip of Lily's wand as it also prance in the air, making the whole class applauce to Lily and her incredible charm skill.

And when James realizes what form Lily's patronus is, it feels like the world stop from turning just for him, as if he heard his beating heart singing like a music box to her.

And James who is like a sunshine, he fell down to her.


	8. Love in Sadness

'This is really bloody impossible to do...'

Severus Snape already knew from the start that it is impossible for her to conjure an corporeal patronus as she never felt real joy in her entire life.

It feels like the lesson in Defence in the Dark Arts today is a joke created just for Severus to tell her that she will never cast a patronus to save her in the cruel life the world gave to torment her.

For the first place, what is the real meaning of happiness? 

She doesn't even know the difference between joy and happiness because for her, it is just a same word as it share and use a same meaning. She sits in her old wooden chair as she watch her other Slytherin classmates who also struggles like her from casting Patronus charm.

'At least, I'm not alone.'

For her, it is really pointless to try to cast patronus if you know yourself that you can't do it, you will just realize in the end that you are just fooling yourself.

"Why are you not trying to cast patronus charm, Mr. Snape?" Professor Leviste ask as he saw Severus sitting on the chair, staring at her struggling classmates and not doing the task he ordered them to do. Severus can't help herself but to roll her eyes because the her professor notice her today, as usual.

"Its useless, I already know that I cannot do it and you said before that not everyone can produce a patronus, right? I'm sadly, one of them and I don't want to assume, you know? It will just hurt my precious ego." Professor Leviste just face palm as he heard his weird student's answer. He can't deny that Severus is a weird student.

'Precious ego, really? Maybe he is just afraid of what form his patronus will form.'

"Why are you gloating already? Youu didn't even try to speak the charm's incantation. Believe in yourself as there is no single person is this room that is the same with other people. Perhaps, you can't do it today but who knows, maybe you can do it tomorrow." Severus sneer as her annoying professor is trying his best to push her to try to cast patronus charm. But Severus and Professor Leviste's attention was suddenly caught by James as the whole class heard the hopeful Gryffidor trying to cast the patronus charm.

'He can't cast a corporeal patronus, trust me.'

"Concentrate more and think about a happier memory Mr. Potter!" Professor Leviste said cheerfully as he saw James trying to cast a corporeal patronus. A white smoke escape from his mahogany wand but no animal was formed from the smoke his wand emitted.

"You can do it mate!" Sirius said as everyone cheers the hopeful James. A silvery white stag escapes from his wand and prance around the classroom as it tries finds Severus. Her eyes became wide as charger plates as she realized what animal her enemy's patronus form.

A stag.

Like the silvery white stag that mysteriously lying on her pale right arm. There is a big chance that the arrogant Gryffindor, James bloody Potter is her freakin' soulmate.

'No way! I rather hang myself in the Forbidden Forest than to marry the idiot and spend the rest of my life with him!"

Why the world keeps on making her alive if her soulmate might be James Potter who bullies her endlessly since the first time she stepped her foot in the Hogwarts Express. Perhaps, fate loves to torture Severus and she totally hates it everytime it crosses on her mind.

It feels like Severus being born in this world is just a mistake after all. Luckily the stag disappears before it reach Severus. It's so weird to see if his enemy's patronus came to her, right?

"Expecto patronum!" Severus's dark eyes suddenly look at Lily as she heard her sweet voice saying the incantation of patronus charm. A translucent silvery white doe elegantly escape from her willow wand that made James and his friends shock as they was hit by sudden realization.

Like James Potter's patronus, the doe gracefully prance around the classroom, making the whole class to applause to Lily's incredible skills in charm. James gasp as he watch Lily's patronus, he can't believe at the great amount of luck that he possesses.

He is extremely happy that Lily's patronus is a doe, like the one who is etched in his flawless, tanned skin.

But Remus wants to run so fast and hide in the place that no one will discover him as he watch the doe prancing around the classroom, calming himself and repeatedly telling inside of his system that she is not his soulmate and she will never be.

'Relax, there is another person in this world that shares the same patronus with Lily. Doe being a patronus is not rare, so there is no need to worry.' Remus take a deep breath and smile at James as their eyes met.

"Class dismiss!" Professor Leviste said and James run as fast as he can as he followed Lily who is going to her next class.

"James!" Remus, Peter and Sirius followed their lovesick friend as they notice him, and Remus suddenly feel that something bad will happen.

"Lily, wait for me!"

Lily walk faster as she saw James following her, leaving Mary and Alice. She can apologize to her friends later because they can understand her, but James will never understand the words "I don't like you" as he still follow her like a sickly lost puppy for six straight years.

"Lily, please stop! I have something to tell you." Lily stop from walking as she heard James, wishing that this time, it will not cause trouble.

"What do you want this time, James Potter?" Lily said while rubbing her temples as she watch James catching his breath. James smiled, as he totally forgets the shortness of breath that he experiences right now as he tried his best to talk.

Severus hid herself behind the wall as she listen at the conversation of Lily and James while questions are running at her mind.

'Why James followed Lily?'

"Your patronus is a doe, right? My mark is also a doe!" James said cheerfully as he showed to Lily his left arm where his mark in etched in his body.

'Doe?' Severus gasp as she learned what is James's patronus. Wishing for the first time that Lily is James's soulmate, not him.

Lily frown as she heard him saying that his soulmate mark is a doe. But she suddenly smile as she remember that James Potter's patronus is a stag. 

'Finally, my wish became real.'

"Really? Your mark is a doe like the patronus that I cast? But I believe that your patronus is a stag, right? Sadly, my mark is not a stag." James shakes his head as he heard Lily denying the fact that he is her soulmate.

"You're lying! Show me your mark!" Lily sigh and she expose to James her wrist where her patronus is.

"See? Clearly it is a wolf so you can finally stop at chasing me." Lily said coldly as she mercilessly left James alone who begins to sob silently.

Severus walks away, making sure that she will not get caught of Marauders as she learned the fact that Lily's mark is a wolf, not a stag. Thinking of the small probability that Remus is her soulmate instead of James but she landed on her feet when she realizes that if her patronus is a doe—hopefully not, James will be her soulmate. Severus shook her head, making sure that at the end of the school year, she can cast a corporeal patronus as she goes to her next class.

"No!" James scandalously shout in the hallway as Peter and Sirius stop him from chasing Lily.

"Prongs! Can you please stop?" Sirius nervously ask James as he and Peter hold him, trying to stop him from any foolish thing that he might do in the future while Remus just stare at Lily as he watch her disappearing from his eyesight.

Wolf...

He is a werewolf and there is a small chance that his patronus is also a wolf. But why in many people living in this world, why him? He his extremely loyal to his friend that he can offer his own life and he can't betray them, especially James because he is the first person who accepted him whoever and whatever he is, werewolf or not, they are best friends.

But because of Lily, the friendship that he cherishes so much may turn into ashes anytime.

**.

Agony, that is what James feel every time Lily's revelation flashes on his mind. His friends tried to soot him but no one succeeded, because they can't stop the pain that he feels right now.

He shockingly didn't feel even a drop of humiliation when Lily confess to himself that he is not her soulmate for all this time, he felt an unknown pain instead. Probably, it is most unbearable pain that he ever felt in his entire life, as many people in front of him always shield him from the pain he might encounter. But today, nothing can save him as he finally realized deep inside that the world is not revolving just for him.

That this time, the world didn't give what he really wants.

James suddenly run away from his best friends because he can't bear the pain that's growing inside of his heart, it doesn't matter to him for the first time on what his friends might think if he leaves them hanging in the thin air between confusion and revelations. He wants to be alone today, he wants to escape the truth that keeps on following him.

James went in the place where he finds himself invisible from any people he knew. He finally release the remaining tears that he is holding for so long as his emotions starts to ruin him.

He can't accept the fact deep inside of himself that he spent his whole life believing in a lie that for him, a reality all this time. Since he was eleven years old, he was sure that Lily is the one that who he will marry in the altar in the future because Fleamont and Euphemia Potter, his warm and kind parents told to him once that when he suddenly feel an unexplanable connection, like an weird feeling that there is a loose firework in his heart that suddenly explodes without warning, it is a sign that he finally found his soulmate. 

But sadly, it is not true.

If he believed that Lily is for him since the beginning, why it can't be true? 

Why can't fate just give it to him?

James is so distracted that he didn't notice that Remus followed him. Remus can't help himself but to feel pity, if there is a chance that he can swap soulmate with James, if it will make him happy, Remus is willing to sacrifice his own happiness.

No one knows that Remus can't stop his heart when he accidentally fall in love at Lily since the first time he met her at the Gryffindor table, that he can't understand sometimes why he is forcing himself to forget her everyday. But also he feels so guilty everytime he saw James and there are times that he is so happy when he is thinking of snall chance that Lily might be his soulmate. Even though he keeps on denying himself that James is the one who is meant for Lily for the first place.

Because a real friend sacrifices his own happiness, right?

He know deep inside that doesn't deserve a girl like Lily since Fenrir Greyback mercilessly bit him and turned him into a werewolf when he was still an innocent child.

He is a werewolf whether he accepts it or not, that no one want him and no one will accept who he really is. He doesn't have a choice but to hide and lock his growing feelings deep under of his foolish heart.

To prevent the fallout of Marauder because of him...

"Stop crying and denying at the same time James! You're only hurting yourself more!" James suddenly stop from contemplating when he heard Remus's voice behind him. Remus admit that he doesn't like the idea of James crying for the girl who doesn't like him back, and it hurts him every time he saw his friend crying.

"Don't you think I don't know it! Six years Remus! For six bloody years I thought she was my soulmate." James angrily shouts at Remus. He is angry at Remus because followed him, he is angry at the world because Lily and him are not soulmate and he hates himself because he is a fool.

"People make grave mistakes and assumptions has the right to kill the everyone of us. You are not alone in this world as many people also experienced the same tragedy that happened to you!" Remus clench his fist as James started to throw words at him. Maybe, he protected his friends too much from reality that they—including James still doesn't grow up even though they are now seventeen years old.

"It's so easy to say, but its so hard to face when its now in front of you. I always pictured the way she smile, the smell of her hair, the sound of her sweet voice, all of it retained in my mind as it always makes me smile when I'm down and hopeless except today!" Remus close his eyes as he accepts James word. Yes, there is a part that James is right. It is hard to forget the woman you first love but it doesn't mean that you will spend your entire life in sulking because of a girl who doesn't like you back!

"You can start over, we will find your soulmate! Me, Sirius and Peter will make you happy and you and Lily can still be friends!" Remus really tried his best to persuade James, but he knew that it will not work. He knew from the start that he grew up getting what he wants but he can't get all things he wants as he grows up! James needs to learn the fact that world is not fair and it will never be.

"Thank you but I hate the idea and I don't want to. You know, I still remember the first time I saw Lily especially her two shiny emerald eyes, my heart beats like crazy that I can actually hear it! Believing like a fool that I will spend the rest of my days with her in the future." James cannot comprehend the reason why Remus can't understand the fact that it is so hard to forget the girl he dearly love for years. Maybe the reason why is because Remus doesn't experience falling in love yet, perhaps. But no one can answer his question because Remus is quite secretive in his personal life.

"Do not drown yourself in the ocean of memories, as it is not good for you and for your future. Live according to yourself not by the girl who don't like you back and be a man for Merlin's sake!" It may sound insulting for James but Remus know that is the only way left to push James to grow up. He cannot stay like this forever, he is already seventeen years old and no one will tell on him what is the right thing to do in his life and there will be a time that no one will save him from the clutches of trouble. Even them, the Marauders and his parents is not always there to pull him away from dangers he keeps on walking in.

"I wish that everything is just a dream, that I'm still sleeping soundly in my bed, that I'm just trapped in very realistic nightmare. But I know I'm not! Reality slaps me so hard as I deny the fact that Lily will never be mine." James hopelessly murmur in the air, feeling desperate as he wish in the wind a tiny miracle. He knows that no one can change their soulmate because its already written in the stars at the moment that they are born in this world.

"James..." Remus call James's name to catch his attention as he look down at his still crying best friend. He can't take away the pain that he feels right now but he can ease it for a short period of time.

"Go away, I don't need you!" It really hurts when your best friend tells you that he didn't need you anymore. It feels like someone stole your heart and throw it away in the freezing water. Remus didn't know if James is telling the truth that he didn't need him, but he know that he will came back at him, the Marauders when he needed them.

"The more you force to believe in the world you created, the more you will be dissapointed...when you learned that everything is just a big lie—only created inside your mind." He gently whispered to his best friend as he breathe so deep. Remus finally left James alone, feeling heavy hearted as he can't stop his best friend from drowning slowly in dolor. 

Nature really knows how to bend people as Remus Lupin, the soulmate of the girl his friend deeply infatuated with is the one who is giving his best friend an life advice. 

James ignore his best friend as he realized that Remus really left him alone while tear eyed looking at his left arm where a silvery white doe lying there, leaving him in wonder as he let himself drowned in ocean of questions.

"Can it be her instead? I wish that she is the one who is meant for me."

Perhaps, the most ironic part in the chapter of their life is that the heartbreaker is afraid of getting his heart broken.


	9. The Phantasm She Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter contained suicide attempt!
> 
> You can skip this chapter if you want.

Where do reasons end?

Eileen gently close her amber eyes as she let random thoughts and questions waltz inside of her busy and already occupied mind while her ears still hear the faint beats of her heart that is hidden deep inside of her wounded chest, allowing herself to get lost from the figment of imagination she made inside of her mind. Smiling like an innocent child as she reminisce of forgotten and already buried past, humming like an angel while the old clock ticks from the wooden wall, telling her how many seconds have been passed.

Loving Tobias Snape is like waiting a miracle to happen in the middle of inescapable trouble.

As she keeps on enduring all the pain he inflicted to her and Severus, Eileen tried to close her eyes and pretending that she is just dreaming every time that something bad happens. Assuring to herself that she is just trapped in a hellish and very realistic nightmare, that when she open her two glassy amber eyes when she wakes up in the morning, Tobias is still on her side as he hugs her body tightly. And he is professing to her that he still loves her unconditionally.

When can she say no to the disguising death and lies that passionately kissing her everyday?

Sadly, that is the biggest lie she wants to believe but realization hits her every time she let herself to get drown, confronting her that it will never happen even though she tried her best. Praying so hard for it to happen, that it is still fine if it only happens for just a couple of minutes.

How can you know if you already reach the borderline between love and apathy?

She knows that all the love Tobias Snape gave and showed to her for the passed years already turned into ashes, as love unstoppably molds into hatred when he learned that she is a witch. Sometimes when she reaches the peak of desperation, she repeatedly wishes upon the north star that she didn't possess any magical skills at all, hoping that she can mask the truth that is hidden inside of her veins.

Eileen repeatedly beg forgiveness for years but he never forgive her for lying about her identity, trapping him in a loveless marriage and giving him a magical child. Tobias wants to get rid of his wife and his daughter in his life for a long time but the two is like a permanent sticking charm in his life as they are still stuck with him in the hell they made.

She already tried everything she knows and she can do, but nothing succeeds.

Did she deserve any of this?

She is a just a marionette and he is her puppeteer, playing her strings everyday until she drop dead. Not feeling even a drop of guilt even if he found her shattered heart not beating anymore, because love doesn't exist on his already black, stone cold heart for the first place.

For the sake of her love for Tobias, Eileen forgets everything related to magic, cutting herself in the magical world so he will accept her again in his arm but she wrong. Tobias never love her again and his hatred grew stronger when he learned that Severus, his daughter is a witch.

Yes, it is extremely painful not only in her part but also to her one and only beloved daughter to cut everything that makes their soul ignite a flame. Eileen hate to admit to herself that she is a fool, a woman who is blindly in love in an drunk and abusive man, that is maybe the best comparison for her is: she is like a moth who became drawn in the fire as it catches her eyes. Her wings got burned as she comes closer and she slowly dies as she decided to stay even though their lovely relationship slowly turned into poison as years passes by.

She doesn't have any choice but to accept the fate filled with sorrow and misery the world given to her, because it is too late for her to run, escape and go back to her old life because her family already disowned her for tainting the family's dignity and reputation for marrying a poor muggle.

If she only knew from the start that her life will be like this, will she warn her heart to not fall for an abusive man like Tobias?

Perhaps not. Because even though falling in love in a wrong man can be consider as a sin, it is the best emotion that she ever felt in her entire life.

"Eileen!" Tobias voice echoes in the house as he loudly shout the name of his wife while he keeps on searching for a couple of coins to buy a cheap beer to drown himself again in the sea of alcohol to escape the problems that he currently facing.

Eileen just stand, doing nothing wherever she is as she look down, praying silently that Tobias won't notice or find her.

"Where the hell are you Eileen!" Her heart beats a little faster as she heard her husband calling her name again, shivering as fear conquers her body slowly.

Eileen only need to count one to ten for the door to finally open in the room where Eileen is currently hiding, expecting to see her very angry husband.

"Why are you not answering me? Where do you keep the money you earned from washing the neighbors' laundries?" Her lips trembled, and her eyes burned as she tried to keep her eyes at bay as she look at her husband's angry eyes.

"It's gone! You already spent every piece of it last week!" Eileen shout, waiting for a sign that Tobias will finally leave her and begging an ounce of mercy but Tobias grab her hair and throw her at the floor intensely.

"I will repeat my question again for the last time, where do you keep the money you earned from washing the neighbors' laundries?" Eileen tried but she can't control the flooding emotions her body experiencing anymore and she let her tears to flow freely on her cheeks as she sob quietly as she stare at her husband helplessly.

"At the jar, hidden behind the cereal boxes in the kitchen cabinet." She whisper painfully and finally, Tobias leave her alone. She can't believe that the money she kept for months will only be wasted by her greedy husband because he didn't have enough money to buy alcohol using his own money. It only worsen the situation between Eileen and Severus because the money taken from her is for her daughter's education, and half of money she keep just wasted for nonsense thing.

Eileen can't help herself but to feel sorry on herself, for being helpless and defenseless. She don't know where she will find money as her hands are already tired from washing someone's clothes that exchanges for just a couple of pennies, sweeping marble and granite floors of extravagant houses she cleaned and cooking appetizing foods in the diner that she will never eat. She can't handle the problems anymore as it pressures her suffering mind continuously and to see Severus's disappointed face again in the end of the day. Her daughter is not admitting it to her mother, but it is clearly shown in her face that Eileen failed Severus as a mother.

Parents especially mothers supposed to give what their children needs and wants to have, right? Giving the world on the golden platter, making sure that they are always happy, doing everything for their sake no matter how much it will cost. Protecting and shielding them from any harm that is keeping on approaching them, filling their heart with warm love and caring about them but sadly it doesn't always granted and not everyone doesn't have the luxury called love. Sadly, Severus is one of the children who unfortunately didn't received any of it even though she wants to have some so badly. 

Home is suppose where her heart is but for a little girl, this is where her nightmare starts. Her mother must be the first person who she can share her problems with, but Eileen is not always on her side. Leaving her in the monsters that lurking on the dark that devoring the innocent soul of her daughter slowly and in most painful way she know in her husband's abusive hands.

Grief cannot always be spoken, pain can be gentle sometimes and there are times that you can mask the truth and mold it in a elegant lie.

***

The rain continuously fall for hours as time passes by and Eileen still hears the raindrops hitting the pavement while the wind rattles through the broken window as the dark night awakens. Whispering lovely, mellifuous but undistinguishable enchanting song to her ears.

Maybe he is just an illusion after all. A beautiful nightmare created in her life to torment her forever.

Eileen's right hand shakes as she finish the letter she write for her daughter, apologizing by using every words her mind can make up because she knows that Severus will never forgive her for leaving her alone in this cruel world. She must be the first person who will wipe her daughter's tear, but she just let it flow because of fear that reigning on her body. 

Severus has the right to be angry at her, to not forgive her from wrong doings she did in her life, and for ruining her daughter's life more instead of building it.

Her body is so numb that what her body only feel right now is only pain and regret.

Unbearable pain that grow so much inside of her heart. Does she love pain so much that she let everything happened in front of her eyes? Where did it get wrong? Why did she let everything of this happen? 

Regret is eating her whole and she can't take it anymore as her daughter's face that paints sorrow suddenly flashed on her eyes. When will she feel peace in her heart? How can she escape regret without hurting anyone?

"Loving you is indeed like dancing with death."

She whispered as she stepped on the step chair to take her own life while tears freely flow on her sallow, waxy cheeks. Hanging her petite body in the ceiling using an old but still thick synthetic rope that his husband once used to abused her precious daughter.

Yes, it is wrong. But she doesn't have any choices left.

It is wrong to take your own life, to cut the breath that given to you when you were born as it is clearly a sign of selfishness. But who can blame her? Can everyone forgive her?

Eileen's few sins in this world was to loved a wrong man, because it ruins her entire life as she let her heart to beat for him. Cutting the life that was given her by her parents and for leaving her young daughter alone in this world where there is a tendency that she may get lost.

Sometimes, the things you are most afraid the most of are the things that makes you the happiest. It doesn't matter if everything that kills you makes you feel more alive, because it really feels good deep inside to stretch your wings sometimes and to fly beneath the clear blue sky as you feel the wind dancing with you in the air.

There are times that we are helpless against the things that are just the way it is. Pain is like a room with narrow exit door, wherein you have to do your best to escape and struggle to get out. The real reason why we can't let go of someone is because deep inside we know that something still remains in our heart.

Hope.

But sadly, that's what love is. It was never fair. 

"I'm sorry, I love you..."

Murmuring her last words as she draw her last breath, as she is finally free at the clutches of sorrow at last.


	10. Dancing Doe in the Moonlight

Professor Minerva McGonagall only watch her one of star students in Transfiguration, James Potter as he sulk while she ends her introduction about Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration, sighing as she remember the scandal happened after the Defence Against the Dark Arts class of Professor Leviste. If she is the one you will ask about it, it is really pretty embarrassing. Imagine, you pursue the person you like for six years not knowing that you are not for each other until you confess one day and it didn't end well like what you hope it will be.

"Do not forget that Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration is a fundamental property of magic which identifies what can be conjured and what cannot. Generally speaking, this axiom states that one cannot create something from nothing. If I heard one of you failed to remember even a single word I said today, I don't care if you manage to get OWLs in Transfiguration, mark my words students. One mistake may lead to big problem, you may leave my class and do not ever try to come back again or I will use force to throw you away in my class. Use your brain and do not do something, do you understand me?" Professor McGonagall ask as her students starts to shiver in fear, thinking in advance how their strict Transfiguration Professor will use force to throw them away on her class but no one has the gut to do it. She is stern and she is always true to her words and not heeding to her words always equals to sending your own body in grave in advance.

"Yes Professor!" The students said in unison as they smile nervously at their Professor. 

"Class Dismiss! Mr. Potter, can we talk for a couple of minutes?" Remus Lupin nudge his friend's shoulder, sending back James in the reality.

"Yes Professor." James said as he get his bag in the wooden chair where he sits, signaling his friends to not wait him.

"I heard what happened between you and Ms. Evans. Are you okay now?" James eyes grew as he heard what Professor McGonagall said, how on earth she managed to discover it?

"I'm not sure Professor. How do you know about it?" James ask, hiding the tension and anxiety that eating his body whole. Maybe the rumor about Minerva McGonagall's hidden skill about hearing spilled teas is not a myth after all.

"I have eyes and ears on this castle and the rumor about you and Ms. Evans the students spread between the halls is really surprisingly fast. Do you think Professors will not discover it?" Yeah, he is right. Professor McGonagall told to him personally that she has eyes and ears on this castle. What is the next scandal she will discover?

"No, of course. Its just embarrassing when someone looks at me. It feels like they are thinking about the accident between me and Lily every time they see me." James only give her a shy smile, and the Professor give him a don't-you-lie-to-me look. It feels like Professor McGonagall is judging his soul right now.

"I see Mr. Potter but you must know that what happened between you and Ms. Evans must not have effect on your studies." Thank goodness that finally, Professor McGonagall bites his petty answer, not fully digging on the answer he gave to her. But studies, seriously?

"Yes, I know it Professor. Its just, its hard to forget what happens! I fall in love at her for six years and just because of one simple mark, everything I that believes crashed and fall into pieces as it crumbles into ashes for just a couple of seconds." Professor McGonagall can't stop herself but to feel amuse from watching her frustrated student as he tries to defend his answer to her.

'Ah, young love.'

"Falling in love with someone is different from falling in love with the idea of it." Professor McGonagall smile bitterly as she remember the one and only man she ever loved in her entire life when she is still a student but sadly, it failed and she is forced to carry the weight of it everyday.

"I'm do not fall in love with the idea of it Professor! I really fell in love at Lily." She sighed as she heard James Potter's word as she remembers her bitter past on him. Professor McGonagall can't open the eyes of a teenager if he is not willing to do it for the first place.

"Believe what you want to believe Mr. Potter, just don't forget to open your eyes sometimes because a big dose of fantasy is not good for you and your health. You will only understand what I said to you in the future when you finally hits the peak of maturity. Feel free to come back to me if you finally understand my words." She do not want to see and meet again the misery of loving wrong person and to repeat the history about failed love she always see in young people and she wants James Potter to get out of the problem he will face in the future. Professor McGonagall is not sure if James Potter can bear the weight of guilt and sorrow he will feel if he choose the wrong one.

"Yeah I will, Professor. But how can you sure about it? Why are you saying this to me?" James ask, his words are full of sincerity now. He is used of Professor McGonagall giving them tips of effective studying not giving advice about love to be honest.

"I already fell in love in a wrong man, trust me. There is always a very thin line between her and you and that's reality." James Potter looks at his Professor McGonagall's green eyes as she points her finger on his heart. His Professor's words of wisdom sinks deeply in his mind and he can't believe what she is saying now. Professor McGonagall once fall in love in a wrong person? 

Its good that someone can relate to him. He is not alone on what he feels right now.

"Can I trust you that my words will not leave on this room, Mr. Potter?" Professor McGonagall ask on her awestruck student, smirking as she realized how bewildered is James to her.

"Yes Professor, you can trust me." James said, raising his right hand in the air that makes Professor McGonagall chuckle.

"Good, you can leave this class now." Professor McGonagall smile at home at the last time, hoping that her words will sink in his brain this time.

James finally leave his Professor, but her words are not enough to change his heart in just one day. He loves Lily and no one can force him to forget her.

Because no matter how convincing people's words are, it is really hard to extinguish the still growing flame of first love inside his heart.

As too many people testified that it is so hard to fight first love because our heart always chooses them, not the new person who came into our life in the time where everything crumbles into ashes because we are afraid to fall in love again when we realize deep down inside that we are doing the same mistake we promised in ourselves to do not try to do it ever again.

But nothing bad will happen if you tried it, right?

Sometimes, the things you are most afraid the most of are the things that makes you the happiest. 

***

One month has been past and James's behavior became worst like what everyone is expecting. Severus once thought to herself that when he realized that Lily is not his soulmate, some miraculous things will happen like he will change for the better and he will finally grows up like everyone wants him to be but she is wrong. Her classmate who is really good in Divinition's intuition this time is wrong.

His bullying become harsher and more intense as when everytime their two eyes meet, it feels like trouble and misfortune is suddenly pulling away Severus from comfort of safeness and assurance.

And as always, Severus tried her best to run away from invisible threats that coming to her. 

But for now, its a big wrong move.

As running only makes things worse.

"Snivellus!" 

Severus is indeed a magnet of trouble. 

"What do you want Potter?" Severus ask with the hint of sarcasm on her voice. What James bloody Potter wants today? Her head because it really catches the attention of people? Her thin but some what useful limbs? Or her brain because James finally realized that he really needs a large, smart brain she have.

"What do I want? I want you to leave Hogwarts, Snivellus." Ouch, it kinda stings huh, but seriously? As long as Severus remember, James only wants her to get out of his sight but its not really surprisingly on his part that his wishlist gets upgraded this time. He wants her to leave Hogwarts, what do he think Severus is? A genie?

"Apparently, that is the one of the things I can't give to you. What am I, a saint?" Yeah, saint. Severus will never be a saint like, leave alone a kind one.

"You can be hailed as a saint if you start to pack now or I will make a way for you to do it." Good offer but no thanks, Severus think as she feel the hairs on her body rise. James is really desperate, aren't he?

"Really? You are trying your best to expel me for the past six years but you can't do it. Who is the dunderhead between us? I heard that Lily is not your soulmate, how sad. It made me realize that you look stupid for pursuing a wrong girl for the past years. How is it feels? It stings...no! It hurts right?" Severus can't help but to smirk as she saw James Potter's face turn into sour one, the one she cannot forget in her life.

"Reducto!" But the smirk on her face got wiped when James Potter reducto-ed her and Severus flew ten feet as her back meets the cold, hard stone wall of Hogwarts.

'Prat! Its painful you know!"

"You just show to everyone that you are pathetic Potter! That your small brain is infested with maggots!" Severus shout as she watch James Potter leaving the corridor where he currently stands, leaving her alone in intense pain.

"Severus! Are you alright?" Severus resist the urge to roll her eyes as she heard Regulus Black's concern voice, of course she's not fine! Her back is really painful if you ask her and she think she heard her three bones wherever it is located snap at the same time.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me." Severus lie to her friend as she tries to gets up in her own feet. Severus has too many things that she priorize this time and one of it is knowing what the bloody hell her patronus is. One month already past and Severus admit that she still can't produce one corporeal patronus but this time, she is sure that she can finally produce a corporate one this time. Severus remember a one memory that made her smile the most, and she hope that this time, everything will work.

"Let's go to the Dining Hall Reg, I'm famish." Regulus accidental tap Severus's right, dislocated shoulder with great force and Severus secretly hiss in pain as she curse her friend using a very colorful language inside of her mind. Regulus notice Severus's reaction and he apologize, he didn't know that he shoulder is painful and how on earth James Potter manage to dislocate her shoulder?

"Sorry mate, I will never do it again." He said as he raised both of his hands in the air, giving Severus a sweet smile.

"Yeah, whatever." Severus said as she walk faster and as always, Regulus chase her.

***

Its now twelve am and Severus trying her best to not caught, sneaking in the dark to go to the room she discovered four months ago when she is hiding from Filch and his annoying cat, Mrs. Norris.

Its really blessing for her that she found the room she called The Come and Go Room because no one knows it as she learned that the Marauders didn't know that place is existing. In that way, Severus can study in the night peacefully.

Severus look at her surrounding, to make sure that no one is following her, even Regulus who always annoyingly follows her whatever she do in her life or wherever she wants go.

As she successfully reach the place she wants to go without anyone following her including Marauders who Severus surely know that they four dunderheads always wandering in the middle of the night is not here. The Room of Requirements appear on her eyes and it makes Severus smile as she enter, readying herself in casting the charm she wanted.

Severus looks at her surroundings and she notice the piles of books she read for the past months, and she admits that the half of it is about potions. She sigh as she saw the thick book with red rim, as it is contains everything that is related to Patronus and its lying at the top of the books related to Transfiguration. Severus breathe deep as she think of the happiest memory she can come up with.

"Expecto Patronum!" Severus's confidence suddenly gone as her wand only manage to produce a silvery white smoke like before when she's trying to conjure a corporeal one.

'Think Severus, think! You can't give up now. Don't you dare to do so!'

"Expecto Patronum!" Severus tried again as she cast the charm's incantation as she suddenly remember the first time she tasted freedom. The moment she received her Hogwarts's invitation letter at last.

An elegant doe came out from her wand as it peacefully prance around her, but instead of being calm and happy, Severus feel fear and sadness.

"No, it can be." Severus murmur as she fall on her feet, tears are threatening to escape from her eyes. Her suspision become real as she get a proof that the man he hated the most is indeed her soulmate. She look sadly at her soul mark that is proudly lying on her arm like the owner of it, wondering if he is looking right now at his soul mark like her. 

Severus tried to erase from her mind that she heard the man she hated the most saying that his soul mark is doe, but it is too late for that because her mind already absorb the truth.

It is too late to change everything now.

She heard nothing else but a soft and gentle wind whispering at her two sensitive ears as the world sing her sorrow. Her cold obsidian eyes glistened in tears as she watch the beautiful silvery white doe from her wand gracefully prance in the moonlight before its finally gone into the thin air.

At that moment her heart literally stop from beating as the world suddenly tilt in different position as she realized that the bully, brat, insensitive and arrogant Gryffindor, James Potter that is sadly her soulmate is, she have no choice but to be stuck with him forever in the misery they both created in this world.

That she will unwillingly fall in love at him in the time she didn't expect the most.


	11. The Thin Line Between Fantasy and Reality

Its a typical Wednesday morning and everything looks fine and normal except for Severus who just stare at her plate, feeling empty as she stab the sausage violently in front of Regulus who silently eats bake beans and manage choke himself.

'I don't know what the hell is wrong in my own body, I don't even know what part of my body bloody hurts the most. Is it my neck that is really painful but not that bad yesterday, is it my back where my not-so-straight-but-still-miraculously-in-good-condition spine is located and I believe three of my bones there snapped in one time or my high and super precious ego?'

Regulus yelp in surprise at what Severus did to her sausage as his grey eyes went as large as the lip of his teacup. Regulus can't help but to stare at his friend who wore a very huge eye bags he ever seen in his life. It is larger than the panda he seen somewhere last vacation and he his not kidding at all, though he wish he is.

It looks like Severus is allergic to sleep or any things that related to it.

"When is the last time that you sleep, mate? Are you fine? If you have personal vendetta against sausages whatever their type is, please to not stab it, okay?" Everyone looks at Severus for five seconds before going back of what they are doing except for Regulus who looks slightly green.

Severus looks annoyingly at Regulus as she raised her left eyebrow while chewing the sausage she stabs violently. Regulus slightly tilt his head that makes Severus roll her eyes. 

"I slept, okay? I don't know how many hours but please, do not insult me ever again." Severus give deadly glare at Regulus, but it seems like he is getting immune at her glares.

"I'm not insulting you! You act so weird today and man, please do not stab your sausage again. Its so unappetizing and horrible to watch. Can you eat quietly and please do not complain not even a single word, okay?" Regulus said, putting three kiwis on his already full mouth.

"No and really? Why are you still eating, huh?" Regulus just face palm as he watch Severus drinking pumpkin juice he will never drink in his life. He hates pumpkin with great passion and no one can make him taste one even just a drop of it.

"Whatever, mate. Just eat in normal behavior and please for the last time, do not complain. I am not the only person who eats here." Regulus said as he put strawberries and toast at Severus's now empty plate.

Severus open her mouth to answer and complain to her friend but a two letters drop at her lap at the same time, stopping her from talking at Regulus.

One letter from the ministry and one from her mother.

'Why would the he ministry send a letter me?'

Severus open the letter from the ministry first as she wonder the reason behind it, putting her mother's letter on her robe's pocket. She will read her mother's letter when no one is around, as Eileen only writes to her when something bad and personal happens. Removing the red wax seal from the letter, Severus got frozen as her eyes landed on the message inside.

'No.' She whispered, lips trembling but she bite it until she taste something metallic.

Dear Mr. Severus Snape,

The Ministry of Magic is sad to inform you that your mother, Eileen Snape neé Prince is found dead by committing suicide by hanging herself in her own house. Tobias Snape, her husband and your father is currently in questioning for the reason behind the action of Eileen Snape neé Prince.

If you know the reason behind her actions, don't hesitate to owl us. Even a small words can help us to solve your mother's mysterious passing.

We are truly, deeply in sorrow as one of our kind die.

The Ministry of Magic

Severus's hands aquiver as she finish reading the letter, stopping any emotions from ruining her day. She walks away from the Great Hall, deciding not to eat all the foods her friend put in her plate.

"Severus, wait!" Regulus call Severus to catch her attention but she walk faster. Regulus already knows that it means his friend signal him that she wanted to be alone but hell yeah!

James maliciously look at the two Slytherins and signal his friends to stand and come after them.

"Let's go! Something is happening and I want to catch some news." James said cheerfully and Peter and Sirius stand up excitedly, following James's order while Remus stay from sitting, still eating quietly.

"Sorry guys, I can't go with you. I don't feel fine."

"That's fine, Moony. Let's go to the infirmary later." Remus wave at his friend, sighing as he smell another trouble.

***

"Severus, can you walk slower?" Regulus shout as he follows Severus, making another students look oddly at them. Severus stop from walking and sit from the wooden bench, giving to Regulus the letter.

Regulus read the letter and he suddenly feel sorry to Severus. He don't know what happens inside his friend's house but he knew Severus didn't deserve any of it.

"Don't look at me like that. I don't deserve your pity nor my mother. Can you act normal in front of me?" Severus murmur, eyes starting to glisten but it feels like tears are locked inside her eyes. No one is allowed to get out.

"No one can escape death, not even the most powerful one. All people are equal in the eyes of death." Regulus said as he broke the growing tension between them, giving his friend a small smile to cheer her up.

"All people are equal in the eyes of death? I hope it is."

"It is. I read that from the book I don't remember the title somewhere from home. Death fairly judges everyone and people gets what they deserve. Your mom is fine, I think death gives her peace of mind wherever she is now. Did you know that my great grandfather once compare our life in a grass?" Regulus said as he look at the green grassy field outside, trying to lure Severus away from the pain and sadness her heart feels by telling words of wisdom he never share to other people except of course, to Severus.

"Why grass?" Severus curiously ask as curiosity pinch her that made Regulus grin like a wild cat.

"As for us, our life is like a grass.  
We grow and flourish like a wild flower; then the wind blows over it, and it is gone—no one sees it again." Regulus said while using hand gestures to awe struck Severus. But his happiness is just short lived when his brother, Sirius Black snatched the letter from him hand, giving it to his prat friend.

"Hey, you prats! Give me Severus's letter! Its not yours and can you mind your own business instead?" Regulus said as he try his best to get Severus's letter but Peter and Sirius block James. Severus wants to hide as she watch James reading her letter, she didn't know if she will feel angry or hatred.

But she know one thing, she wants to stab James now or maybe later.

"Oh, look! It looks like Snivellus's mommy don't love her anymore!" Sirius and Peter hold Regulus's arms tightly while grinning at the same time as James starts to taunt Severus.

"Stop!" James laugh as he saw Severus's sallow face getting redder. Smirking as he realized how personal this thing to her.

"Stop, Snivelly? Don't want to accept the fact that your mommy hang herself because she don't want to be with you anymore? Hey, Everyone! Did you know that Snivelly's mother hang herself because she can't bear to be with Snivellus anymore?" Severus clench her fist as she look at James, filled with pure hatred. Everyone stop at walking and they look at Severus, whispering about her and her mother.

"Stop being an idiot, its not funny! What you will do if your mother is the one who hang herself? Mortified? Perhaps I should be happy if your mom is the one one who dies." James was shocked as he heard Severus while Sirius and Peter put full body bind spell to Regulus to stop him from interfering.

"Shut up, Snivellus! That is the reason why your mommy died. Because you are evil, you will be happy when my mom died!" Lily, who is hiding got shock when she heard that Severus's mother committed suicide. From what she remembers, Eileen looked very fragile and sickly but she didn't expect her to cut her own life.

"Me, because I'm evil? Who looks more evil between us? You look so happy that my mother died! Do you think its just a joke? Do you think its easy for me to know that there is no one else left in my life?" Lily got disappointed when she heard Severus's answer, there is still a small part of her wishing that her ex friend will change her beliefs when she finally realizes that she will not come back to her until she understands that what she did is really wrong but the small flame of her hope died as she heard that Severus will be happy when Potter's mother died. Not wanting to watch the fight anymore, Lily decided to call the first Professor she will see to stop the two from fighting.

"Its just right that it happens to you because you are evil! An evil person like you doesn't deserve to be happy!" Regulus, who can't move try to get help but Sirius and Peter kick his stomach at the same time to stop him.

"I don't deserve to be happy? How come you call yourself light if in the first place morality doesn't exist in your life and you deserve to happy because you call yourself good, self righteous man? You know, you are the biggest hypocrite person I've ever known!" Severus shout without holding any fear, telling all the words she wanted to say to James since last night she found out that the git is her soulmate.

"Yes! I deserve to be happy because I am good, I was born to this world to be a good person but you. You deserve to be miserable in this world because you are an evil person!" James throw at Severus, he wants her to get rid of his life but he can't do it. He do not know the reason why he wants to, but everytime he is with her, James feel something he cannot explain.

"Stop calling me evil! Are you sure you are good? Stop calling me evil because you are an evil person too! You are just a wolf in sheep's clothing! You are just pretending to be a good person in front of everyone and why not show your trust colors you know, it makes me sick every time I see you and your disgusting friends' little charades!" James raise his wand to stop Severus from talking but Severus also saw him, raising her wand and the two say the first spell that came into their mind.

"Impedimenta!"

"Expelliarmus!"

Everyone heard a very loud bang as James and Severus said a different spell at the same time and the two flew several feets aways from each other.

"What is the meaning of this!" James and Severus literally got frozen wherever they landed as Professor Flitwick appear between them, very angry and it looks like he will explode anytime.

"Professor Flitwick! Sni-Severus Snape attack me! Im not doing anything and then he suddenly went wild! I'm lucky because my friends manage to body bind Regulus Black before he hurts us!" Severus and Regulus's eyes went larger as they at each other as James bloody Potter started to wieve very convincing lie. It look like Professor Flitwick will get conviced as other students, especially Gryffindors starting to lie for James.

'Is that what everyone calls house unity?'

Severus don't know what to say, as her mouth was suddenly running out of words. She don't know if the charms Professor will believe him or not as Potter is really a good actor as every students are starting to cover up the dirty deed of James Potter as everyone hates Slytherin, especially Severus Snape.

***

Its already midnight and Severus can't help but to burst into tears as she finally finish her detention with Hagrid, cleaning all the feces of animals she doesn't know and don't want to know what it is. Wanting complete solitude, Severus locks herself in the abandoned classroom she found in the dead of the night.

She hug herself as she hum the old song she still remember, the one her mother always sings to her when she was still a innocent little girl in this world every time his father is out of sight, rocking herself as she comfort her frail, weak and tired body as no one will do it for her. No one truly cares for her, she knows it and no one needs her to remind her of that. 

There is no need tell her the things she already know.

She knows that life is not and will never be fair, and it will never be. Many people said that our destiny is already written in the stars and no one can alter things as we hope it is as there are too many unpredictable times but Severus don't believe on what other people said.

For her, living is like walking on a tight rope with blind fold on our eyes. No one can't predict what danger is waiting on us, or when we will fall on the deep ocean of lies. People just put trust on themselves and waiting dumb sheer luck to happen.

As a person starts to walk on a tight rope with blind fold on her eyes, the wind is her enemy. It simbolizes the people who is waiting for her to drown and fall in the deep ocean, forever. Taking advantage on the things she left behind.

There is no second chance, it doesn't exist.

Severus wonder why she always imagines herself walking in the thin line between fantasy and reality.

It is already expected that everyone will cover up Potter, there is no Slytherin at the hall at that time and no one will protect her. It is so unfair that everyone treats her like a dirt. No one wants her and everyone wants to get rid of her.

Severus is lucky that she hid her mother's letter in her pocket, that Potter only get the Ministry's letter but still, she hates him for broadcasting to the whole school that her mother died.

She finally open the letter her mother sent to her, searching for any reason why Eileen leave her alone.

Is Potter saying the truth that Eileen didn't love her anymore?

Did Eileen really love Severus at the first place?

No one knows that of course, except for Eileen herself.

Removing the cheap tape from the letter, Severus let herself drown from the moment that will become memory soon. It is the last time that her mother will write for her, it is the last time she will see the stroke of her mother's handwriting.

Dear Severus,

Sweetheart, you know that mother loves you no matter what and no one can steal that right from you. I wish I can hug you so tight right now but sadly, we are miles away and I can't wait any longer for that to happen.

I'm so sorry my dearest daughter for making your life miserable. I must be teaching you how to braid a hair, how to put make up on your beautiful face, how to deal with annoying boys who have crush on you but instead, I teach you how to be a boy you will never be.

I hope that you can forgive me. I understand if you can't do it right now because it is your right to do so since the first time I failed you, but I hope that you can forgive me someday.

I love you with all of my heart and it is not true that you are just a mistake. You are more than of what other people think of what your worth is.

Your value is not the sum of the vaults of kings and queens who is filled with trillions of golds or the right estimate of people who respects you. That is what many people wanted but don't be like them who counts their worth by the things who can disappear in this world because every man wants it, everyone steals it from the hands of other people and it is what makes them dirty, unvaluable without knowing. They only got fame but deep inside, they are empty.

Your value is one little penny.

Maybe in the eyes of other people it is underestimated, doesn't have a proper amount value because it is too small but yet, every mother in need who prays for everything cherishes.

You are my one and only darling daughter. Whoever and whatever you want be in the future, you will be always be my penny. I pray for everything when I don't have anything I have anymore and you came to my life at the right moment.

You are the only one right thing I have in this life. 

You are the light in my faded life.

I carried you with my own two hands since I heard your first cry, with love I will never stop from believing in you as I cherish you forever.

I'm sorry, I love you...

Please, always remember that.

Love,

Your Mother

Severus cried harder as she finish reading the letter, knowing that her mom loved her til her last breath.

A penny

Her worth in this world is just a penny but for the eyes of the most needy person, she most precious of them all.

Severus finally grew up but she can't still decipher the half of her mother's cryptic message but it not the reason why she is sad.

No one will give her a cryptic message now and let her answer it by searching it in the world alone, using her own two feet only.

***

James can't sleep, his heart feels so heavy and he can't find the reason why. He opened the Marauder's Map and he smirked as he saw Severus Snape's name in an abandoned classroom.

"I see, you are not contented with the detention the Professors given to you. Do you want more?" James ask playfully as he watch how Severus jump where she seats.

"What are you doing here?" Severus ask as she pulled the remaining energy she has. She is too tired to fight Potter and there is no use of doing it as everyone is in his side by the way.

"I love to watch how you suffer. It makes my heart feel better." James said as he stepped forward, itching to see how Severus will shiver in fear but he get disappointed when she didn't give up easily to him.

"Wake up James! You are not living in a dream. There is always a thin line between fantasy and reality and everything cannot move according to your will. There are things that is not for you and it will never be yours." Severus whisper the end part as her lips aquiver, wishing that all the words she's saying to her soulmate will sink in in his heart.

Its so hard when your soulmate is the person you hate the most. The person who hurts you, it feels like sending your own body advancely in the grave.

"Why? Why you are doing this to me? What have I done to you? Why do you keeps on ruining my life?" Severus continuously ask James while tears flow freely at her cheeks. James can feel the intensity of every words Severus said but he don't also know the right reason why.

Is that because she have something he doesn't have?

If yes, what it is?

She can't find anything that James wants from her.

'Why you? Why in all people, why I landed on you? Why can't be another person instead? I want to love another person who will never hurt me.'

The wind gently sings as the tension grows when the two started to make eye contact, not wanting to cut the connection they made. 

"Why? Because you are Severus Snape and its your fault you exist in this world. You were born in this world where in the first place you have no right to do so!" James answer back, throwing at his soulmates all the words that he know himself that can hurt her. Yes, he don't want her to exist in this world because everything is different when Severus is around, he can't say the right emotion he always feel when she is with her since the first time he saw her at the train compartment.

James didn't know that his soulmate is in front of him, stabbing her with the sharpest word he can muster.

But deep inside, he feel his heart getting painful and he don't know the reason why.

It feels like he is receiving a feeling of being a broken hearted again.

And as Severus heard what James said to her, her heart shattered into million pieces.

No one wants her.

It feels like being born in this world is the biggest mistake she ever made.

Severus always heard her father it is her fault she exist in this world because he didn't ask for it, but Severus never expect that she will hear that same words in other people.

Its really hurts not only on the inside when you know yourself that you are just where you are standing now because of the mistake your parents did.

Severus is just a simple problem that leads in a very big mistake. How sad that sometimes when she is down and desperate, she wish that she wasn't born in this world, and no one ever stop her as everyone also agrees on what she is thinking.

"Sectumsempra." She said as she raised her wand in the air as he points in to him as if her right hand has own mind and it wants to curse James Potter until he drops in front of her dead.

Severus can feel the sweet word escaping from her mouth, like when your tongue taste the finest honey only selected people can have. It feels like she finally get the thing she is aiming in the half of her life.

That is darkness what her soul starting to embrace as the day passes by but Severus didn't care what it is. It is the only thing that welcomed her with open arms and making her heart feel even just a tiny piece of joy.

Power, revenge and desire.

Darkness offered her what she wanted the most, where no single person in this world can give what her heart seeks for a long time. She feels empty deep down inside before but as of now it feels like finally, someday she will be complete and no one can ever hurt and stop her.

Darkness will always be part of her, as light rejected her when she first opened her obsidian eyes the moment she was born in this unfair and judgmental world.

Truth doesn't always require a lot of words, but no words are enough for lie. It might kill you tomorrow if you keeps on fighting against yourself. No one survives a war within themselves no matter how hard they try, no one could ever do that.

No one ever.

But for Severus who don't know who and what is her real enemy, the simple breathing of air and waking up everyday is the first sign of war.


	12. Do You Hear My Heart?

December 23, 1964

Its nearly Christmas but Eileen did not know if this time, they will miraculously celebrate the most waited day in the year everyone in this world celebrates. She sadly looks at her daughter with pity while buying groceries, watching her as she saw Severus staring at an expensive, beautiful toy she cannot buy to her daughter in her remaining life in this world.

A four years old Severus Snape can't help herself but to gawk at the expensive porcelain doll she saw while waiting on her mother outside, staring at the very eye catching display in a well known toy store near the market where her mother brings her everytime Eileen buys something they need. The porcelain doll wears a pretty pastel blue ruffled dress with white pinafore that makes the dress stands up more. It has the brightest, dazzling turquoise eyes that a doll can possibly have and it posessed a waist length wavy brunette hair with lacey white ribbon twisted to her shiny hair.

Severus can't help but to feel a hint of jealousy as she watch the young red haired girl with bright emerald eyes inside hugging a porcelain doll similar to the display one that her parents apparently bought for her.

"Severus!" Severus look at her mom who is waving to her, running to convince her to buy the porcelain doll she saw from the toy store. Its no harm of trying, right? Even though she is one hundred percent sure that Eileen will not buy her a toy especially a doll, its still good that Severus tried her best to persuade her mother.

"Mother! I saw a pretty doll in the toy store while I was waiting you. Can we buy it?" Severus asked hopefully to her mother as her body got excited at the same time. Wishing that this time, her mother will finally buy her a doll.

"No, I will not buy you a doll Severus." Severus's smile wash away as expected when she heard her mother's reply. She already know the answer to her question before asking her mom, but Severus can't help but to feel a little hope that her mother will buy her one. Looking down at the pavement, Severus move her two small feet as she hide the salty, traitorous tears who promised to her that it won't escape on her eyes anymore.

"But it will be Christmas in two days, and as long as I remember, I never receive a gift from you and father every Christmas and when my birthday comes. Every children receives a gift, a toy from their parents!" Severus whisper angrily, while watching her tears falling slowly on the pavement. Why she can't have a new toy when every children she know always receive one everytime Christmas and their birthday comes?

"We don't have enough money to buy you a toy. Lets hope that the Farrells will give you a toy this week." Eileen look down to her daughter, feeling guilty as she can't give what her daughter wants. When she was still a kid, Eileen always get what she wants because her parents can give it to her but when she married Tobias, her luxurious world fades into the thin air as she throws everthing away.

"But its a boy's toy! I don't want to play cars, robots, action figures and dinosaur plushies that will be broken if I accidentally drops or tear it apart anymore! Can't I play dolls and tea sets instead? The Carrolls has five daughters and I heard that they are giving away their children's old toys everytime they receive a new one especially Christmas!" Pain, that is what every mother feels every time they heard their children saying things they can't have in this world. Eileen touch her daughter's short oily hair, chuckling bitterly as she realized that she can't even buy Severus a right shampoo for her hair.

"But your father knows that you are a boy, Severus! Do you want him to discover that you are a girl not a boy he assumes you to be? That his son is playing a doll he must not playing in the first place in the corner of his house?" Severus clench her little fist as she remember that her father didn't know that she is a girl and she can't play dolls and tea sets as long as he is alive and kicking.

"But I am not a boy and I'm sick of pretending to be one! I want to wear dresses, skirts, sandals and Mary Janes like my classmates in pre school! The girls in my class don't want to play with me because they thought that I'm a boy and boys are picking me because we're poor and I look like a girl on their eyes!" Severus shout to her mother and everyone looks at them suddenly, and Eileen covers her daughter's mouth to prevent her from talking.

"A no is a no, and its my final word Severus. You will not play dolls and tea sets especially wear girl's clothes. I cannot afford to let your father to discover your secret." Eileen whispered at her daughter's ear, making Severus tremble from fear if her father discover her secret.

"Please..." Eileen removed her hand to her daughter's mouth as she knows that Severus will stop from shouting to her.

"You, listen to me. I don't know what will happen to you if Tobias discovered that you are a girl, that we are lying to him since the beginning. I don't want to lose you Severus, do you understand me?" Eileen looks directly at her daughter's eyes, making Severus get lost by staring at her clear amber eyes.

"Yes mother." Severus murmur while nodding as tears still keeps on flowing freely from her glassy, obsidian eyes.

"You know that I love you very much, Severus. Mother knows the best of you and you must know that." Eileen kneel to wipe her daughter's tears using an old yellow handkerchief she have, hugging her daughter to give her a comfort as it is the only thing she can give to her daughter this incoming Christmas.

"Is that true that its my fault that I exist in this world, mother?" Severus blurted out to her mother accidentally who is still wiping her tears as she suddenly remember what Tobias said to her yesterday.

"No, of course not. Where did you hear that, sweetheart?" Eileen concernly ask her daughter as the moment she hope not to come finally happens. She already heard Tobias saying that it is her fault that he is trapped in a marriage he didn't want, but this is new. She never heard Tobias saying in front of her daughter that Severus is just a mistake and its her fault that she exist.

"I always hear father saying every time that he is drunk and angry when you are not around that I am just a mistake, that it's my fault that I exist in this world. He also said that if I didn't came in his life, none of miserable things like this will ever happen. Maybe, father is right after all." She knows that her darling daughter is too smart for her age, but an innocent child like her has no right to hear it, to know it even if Severus finally reach legal age.

"You are not a mistake and its not a fault that you exist! If there is someone to blame, the real reason why this things continuously happens to us, it's me and father because we are not good enough to achieve things we want to have. You are the one and only blessing that I received in my entire life, and I can't take it if I lose you. You are the gift that I prayed for a long time." Eileen hug Severus tightly, as if the two got separated for a long time. Severus can smell a faint scent of vanilla on her mother's neck, making it her favorite scent as year slowly passes by.

Of course, what she heard is true in Eileen Snape's part but for Tobias Snape's own perspective that alcohol is his water of life, Severus Snape is the main source of his bad lucks and misfortunes.

***

April 1977

"Eileen, where the bloody hell are you!" A very drunk Tobias shout loudly that you can hear his annoying voice across the street, slamming the door angrily as he search his wife.

Eileen bite her already parch lips as she heard her husband calling her name again as her blood pressure is starting to rise, already coming up for the answers her husband might ask to her.

"Eileen!" How come a very beautiful name becomes an irritating sound to her ears everytime its coming from her husband's filthy mouth?

"What do you want this time, Tobias?" Eileen answered tiredly. She can smell his husband, but Eileen choose to pretend that she did not as it will only leads to more serious problems.

"What did I heard from Joe and Bart that my son used to play dolls with the Evan girl?" Eileen's face turned into chalky white as she heard her husband's question. Of course, she can't stop Severus from playing with a girl even though she warns her not to do it, but how come that someone still remember that Severus played a doll with a girl? Her daughter stops at playing one after she received her Hogwart's invitation letter.

"Severus never did that! He plays ball with her, not dolls! Maybe you heard them wrong." Eileen lie, trying her best to not be caught for Severus's sake.

"Liar! The barmaid also said that she saw Severus braiding that Evan girl's hair several time! It not normal for a boy to braid a girl's hair!." Tobias answered back, hinting that something is wrong. 

"Tell me, is there something wrong with Severus? Many people said that my son looks like a girl especially when he was younger. You are not lying to me all this time right?" Tobias facial expression suddenly softens unaturally that makes Eileen can't move where she currently stands, how come that her pathetic husband comes up in the idea that Severus is a girl?

"Severus is not a girl. Why would I lie to you?" Tobias chuckled as he heard his wife's short but precise answer. Why would Eileen lie to him?

"I never saw Severus naked, you are the one who is changing his clothes so how would I be sure that you are not lying to me?" He answer as he slowly caress Eileen's face, tracing the old scars he gave to her.

"How can you change your child's clothes when you don't want to do it for the first place?" She whispered as Tobias grit his black and some still yellow teeth, signaling his wife that he is serious and she can't even try to mislead him.

"Don't change the topic, woman! Is Severus really a girl?" Eileen hiss in pain as Tobias pulled the strands of her ebony hair painfully.

"Stop, please! You are hurting me!" She said but her husband didn't stop instead, Tobias pulled it more intensely that it made Eileen's scalp starts to bleed.

"I asked the midwife and she said Severus is a girl and you made her to tell me that you bore a son. I don't believe at her at first because she's already old and there are times that she is mixing up facts but there are some things that contradicting what I believe what Severus really is." She flinch as she heard the midwife, Eileen didn't know that the midwife is still alive and how dare she to break her promise to her!

"The midwife is wrong, you forced her to said rubbish things like that! She just mixed up facts like you said and how can be Severus a boy? Maybe the Evan girl just forced her." What are the some things that contradicting Tobias to believe that Severus is not a girl, that she is a boy like what Eileen makes him to believe she really is.

"You're lying! How can you answer the blood stains on his pants and bedsheets? I saw him once hugging his stomach, I already suspecting that something is really wrong. I beat his back, not stomach!" How on Earth Tobias noticed that? Eileen always urgently washing her daughter's evidence every time she saw one to save her from peril. Where did she go wrong this time?

"The bloodstain is probably because you beat Severus everytime you see him." Its a very lame lie, she know it but Eileen can feel that the lies she weaved all this years is finally starting to tear apart. 

"How about the pants, how can you mislead me? Severus is bleeding, right? Only girls bleed, and there are couple of times that Severus can't move and he is hiding to me." Eileen can feel her heart threatening her to stop from beating. She can't hide the truth this time and Tobias can feel the growing anxious on his wife through her face.

"Severus is not..." Tobias stop her from talking by slapping her so hard that it makes Eileen to fall on her feet.

"I can't believe you lied to me! Why did you do this to me?" Eileen starts to sob as she bravely stare at her husband's cold obsidian eyes. She can see her frail image on his husband's eyes making her to shiver in fear more.

"Because you will kill your daughter. I'm scared that if you learned that Severus is not the child you asked to be, you will do something worse to her." That is the main reason why Eileen still did the one thing she know that can save her daughter from the hands of death, even though she also know deep inside that Severus will surely get hurt in the future.

"Of course, I will be. I will drown her if she set her foot in my house this summer. You can't mail her or I will buried her alive instead. Because of you, my line is now dead." Tobias finally leaves the anxious Eileen alone, he didn't care even a little bit if he manage to kill his daughter using his two own hands only.

"Please, no! Don't do this to your daughter!" Eileen plea desperately as she watch her husband's shadow helplessly. Everyone knows that loves her daughter more than her husband but even though he always hurts her, but its a great mystery why Eileen can't leave the man who rend her heart open.

Maybe it is true that the more you love, the more you suffer. If you were Eileen, you have to know how to speak to tears.

Life is a rose where each petal is an illusion and each thorn a reality. We ignore truth for temporary happiness. 

She fell in love in a kind of person who hang their lover's heart in the electrical wire and leaving it there until the crows devor every pieces of it.

He is the rain in her eyes, the wind in her hair. He is the uncertainty she share of loneliness, he is the approaching nights and makes her unhappy. He is her regret and pain in her heart.

There is a golden rule that pain should not be sought, but it should never be avoided but for Eileen, its doesn't apply as she decided to be blind everytime there is a little chance of escaping on her tragic fate no matter what it is.

In a world where everybody hates a happy ending story, you can never be too happy in this life, because every reasons of what makes you smile is getting killed everytime a single minute pass.

Eileen's heart was already buried six feet deep under since the moment she welcome the man she loves the most with open arms in her life only to ruin it, leaving her heart bleeding as she slowly dies from being broken hearted again and again and again.

Its the things you cannot see coming are strong enough to kill you. True love is felonious. You can steal someone's breath away, you rob them of the ability to utter a single word, you steal a heart.

But did she really felt true love in the first place?

There are evenings in which her heart sways between happiness and sadness, those nights when thought invades her, when she is nothing more than a rocking horse following a compulsive, hesitating move.


	13. Little Mistake Means Everything

"Where are we going?" Peter and Sirius ask James excitedly in the same time while Remus just frown as he struggles to be awake at the same time. The quartet walk very silently and full alert as if Filch will caught them anytime as the Marauders obviously wander again in the middle of the night.

"Anywhere. I can't sleep Wormy." James answer while squeezing his eyes, struggling to see in the dark. James undeniably can't sleep, he tried his best but his heart feels so heavy and he can't find the reason why. Something is bugging him and he can't differentiate what or who it is.

He opened the Marauder's Map and he smirked as he saw Severus Snape's name in an abandoned classroom.

"What will we do, Prongs?" Sirius ask while laughing so hard as he feel his body itching for some trouble and "adventure".

"Just hide somewhere Paddy, Snivellus is inside. I suddenly wonder what happened to him and his little follower." James answer mischievously to his friends and the three nod to him. James whisper an unlocking charm in the door and unxpectedly, he saw Severus sitting on the floor while leaning in the very cold stone wall of the abandoned classroom. She buried her head in her knees as if she is still crying and because of that, Severus didn't notice that someone removed her spell.

"I see, you are not contented with the detention the Professors given to you. Do you want more?" James said playfully while approching his enemy closer. Severus raised her head and as if all the tears she shed came back in her eyes as she shockingly saw her soulmate in front of her in the bloody middle of the night.

"What are you doing here?" James can hear her voice shaking, but he can't differentiate if it is because of fear or him.

"I love to watch how you suffer. It makes my heart feel better." He whisper directly in her ears, making her knees aquiver in sudden burst of emotion.

"Wake up James! You are not living in a dream. There is always a thin line between fantasy and reality and everything cannot move according to your will. There are things that is not for you and it will never be yours." Severus can see her enemy's face is getting red as she trigger the emotions James is hiding beneath his skin, using his obssesive love for Lily as advantage.

"Why? Why you are doing this to me? What have I done to you? Why do you keep on ruining my life?" She murmur as she noticed the glint of moonlight that beautifully flashing on her soulmate's charming but evil face.

"Why? Because you are Severus Snape and its your fault you exist in this world. You were born in this world where in the first place you have no right to do so!" James can feel the tension growing between them as the words he wants to say to Severus for a long time finally escapes from his mouth.

James can't understand why his chest hurts more especially his heart. It feels like his heart is getting a stab a million times repeatedly using the sharpest knife a human can have then submerging it in a freezing water, leaving it there until its completely frozen.

Its hard to admit in James's part but its worse than Lily saying she don't like him.

And he cannot comprehend why everytime he hurt Severus, his heart is getting broken.

"Sectumsempra." James cannot help but to watch the bright light from his soulmate's wand slowly coming to him, wondering what spell is that until it hit directly into his chest and it feels like his body got multiple slashes at the same time.

His now bloody body fall weakly on the floor as he get drenched on his own blood while Severus just watch him with awe, admiring the rare scene where James is the one who is vulnerable and not her.

"Help..." James whisper as he slowly close his cloudy hazel eyes, looking at the door desperately. Waiting for his friends to save him from the clutches of death that pulling him away. 

"James!" The three boys shout at the same time as the door finally opens while Severus who is still standing beside James's fallen body can feel every ounce of fear on their shaky voices. Making her body feel a rare happiness by seeing the people she hate suffering.

"What did you do, Severus?" Remus ask angrily at Severus as he grit his teeth and clench his two fists in the air tightly.

"Making him pay from his sins." Severus said gently but also really cold in the very low tone of whisper, making the three shiver from the sudden darkness that embraces the room.

Remus can take an unbreakable vow that the girl standing in his front is not the same girl he always see in the school. It feels like someone is possessing her because the Severus he know cannot raise her wand and hurt James in gruesome manner.

***

"Why did you do that?" The headmaster asked Severus who wears a blank face at the last time.

"They deserve that." That is what she only answer, looking at the window as she admire the birds freely flying in the sky.

"Enlighten me, Mister Snape. How can James Potter deserved to received a dark spell from his classmate?" Professor Dumbledore can't stop from worrying as he saw his once student again to Severus Snape, hoping that his gut feeling is wrong.

"Because he is a bully, a very bad classmate." Severus answer is short and precise, not saying another reason. If she said that she is angry at him, is her sin will be heavier?

"But attacking and using a very dark spell is also making you a bad student, Mister Snape." Severus already knows that from the start but she still took the risked, that at the moment she invented the darkest spell her mind can create, she can't stop her own body anymore from embracing the growing temptation of darkness that keeps on whispering in her ears.

"Really? Why you are protecting a student? That makes you a really bad teacher, headmaster." Severus click her tongue, triggering the patient but hypocrite person in front of her.

"And how can you say that?" Professor Dumbledore answer back at his undeniably smart student. It's really a shame that the one of the smartest student he handled will only be misled at life.

"You're taking sides. You are siding the wrong one." A young smart student fight back at the wise old man as they fight fire with fire.

"I'm not taking a side, Mister Snape." The wise one said as he smile bitterly, not biting the traps of the young woman in the front of him.

"Then prove it." Severus can play with Professor Dumbledore until she wants to. Nothing else more will lose to her as the old man already took the last precious thing on her life.

"What is the point of proving it if your mind is close for my answer? Do not mislead me young man." The headmaster said in calm but in warning tone as he tries to stop the student in front of him.

"I'm not. You are the one who is misleading yourself from the truth." Severus grin. He is really pissed, aren't he? What is the point of giving him an honest answer if he also is not giving her an real honest answer?

"Where did you learn that spell?" No matter how intimidating the tactic the Headmaster use to Severus, she will not flinch and bow to him. Why will Severus tell that to the man she didn't trust anymore? He is not that high in her eyes, in any terms.

"Why will I say it to you? So you can learn and use it to me?" She said as she tap her fingers on the reddish brown mahogany table the headmaster of Hogwarts own, creating an annoying sound to her ears but pleasurable feeling to her long fingers.

'Or use it so you and the annoying Potter brat can benefit.' Her mind fight back.

"I'm serious, Mister Snape! Do not play with me. Its a very dark spell and Madam Pomphrey can't stop the bleeding from Mister Potter's body." Professor Dumbledore slam at his table angrily as he threatened her, but Severus's body didn't shake at all.

"Really? Good to hear that." Severus smirk as she look straight at his Headmaster's sapphire eyes who used to twinkle every time she sees him.

"For the last time, where did you learn that spell?" Professor Dumbledore said, hinting that he is getting angry.

"I invented it. Happy now?" Severus said casually as she can't stop but roll her eyes as the headmaster continuously irritates her.

"You invented a dark spell to cursed a fellow student?" Professor Dumbledore said shockingly, how come a student like her create a very dark and nasty spell? It is not new to him that a student can create a spell because he also, did that. But a dark one? It is beyond the normal he can consider.

"Its invented to used for my enemies, beside I have my reasons to do it to Potter. Be glad that its not a killing curse." Severus said jokily but still in warning tone to warn the headmaster that James Potter still deserve what he received from him.

"Why would I? I have no choice but to expel you, Mr. Snape." The Professor asked as he watches the still calm student in front of him, wondering how long she can hide her bottled emotions.

"Why are you doing this?" That is what Severus can only answer to the annoying person who keeps on asking her the obvious but not giving her an honest answer.

"Because you already crossed the boundary, Mister Snape. I have no choice but to expel you to prevent any accident like this again." Severus don't believe on what the old man is spoon feeding to her, who in their right mind will tolerate a toerag like James Potter?

"I crossed the boundary? So the attempted murder that happened last year is just a joke to you? The bullies that pranking me is harmless and cannot kill me? How many sins I made to be heavier than the sin they made to me for the past six years?" Severus shout directly at the headmaster's face, telling to him that she is really angry and he is nothing but a old saggy cardboard in the middle of the puddle.

He is nothing but an once useful piece of paper everyone needs but as the time passes by, it became useless in the moment that water touch it, completely soaking it in dirty water. It became a trash in everyone's eyes.

"They did not crossed the boundary and what happened is just an accident." Of course, the righteous headmaster will said that in the bad student like Severus Snape after all.

"You. You really dissapoint me, you know? I thought you are a fair person but you're not. You are just a hypocrite, mad man hiding from fame and shadows of people who praises you!" She throw as she totally forgets the respect she once have in the man in front of her as she still fight for her rights.

"Do not insult me, it will only make your mistakes heavier." The headmaster warn, but she is still expelled right? There is no harm anymore because you can't punish a former student even though it is standing where you rules.

"I did not insult you! You are just guilty because it is true. I'm expelled now, aren't I? So what is the point of being polite if I'm not your student now?" She said as tears fall from her cheek. The headmaster felt a sudden slap of guilt as he saw a student crying because of his unfairness.

Is he unfair to he because he saw her as an evil person in the future? Or because he always saw the girl as him when he was younger, free from any guilt he's now trapped as he gets older?

"I'll let you stay here at Hogwarts until the term is done as a consideration. The students will not know what punishment you received including Mister Potter." Severus look at the old headmaster wearing a surprised face, wondering why he will not say to anyone what really happens to her.

"Then after it, I'm gone?" She softly whisper as she bite her cheeks to stop herself from doing something bad and impulsive.

"The laws depend not on being read, but on being understood. After the last day of the term, you are not a student of Hogwarts anymore Mister Snape." Severus only shake her head, not believing the words the headmaster is saying.

"Tell me, that is only because I curse a student. Right?" Everything is just a lie, right? Of course, the only reason in not because she cursed bloody Potter, it is because she is getting more evil as time passes by.

"Believe what you want to believe until the truth sink on your mind. I'm not a biased person, if you want to know." The headmaster only said but in wise form as he touch his forehead.

Severus stand up where she sits and leave the Headmaster's office with large steps without saying goodbye.

Dumbledore said to Severus that cursing a fellow student is wrong, that she is expelled for doing it. Severus Snape said that James crosses the boundary and why he is always favored over her? Why can't Dumbledore understand her?

Dumbledore said that he will not say to the students, including James Potter that she is expelled and she can stay until June. But she can't harm any students or else she will be force to leave the school early.

She breathe heavily as she look up on the clean ceiling, wiping the rebel tears that escaping from her eyes.

No one is above the law.

She always hear that from the older and wiser people but it looks like it is just a mere cheese in a trap.

How can it be true? For Severus who is always misunderstood, the law is only for the favored ones.

At that moment, Severus didn't know what will happen next in her life, but she knows one thing.

She is currently in the point of her life where she needs to decide whether she will continue to breathe and continue running or to stop and cut the small breath she have.

To be honest, she don't know how everything will end. Its like foolishly sailing a boat in the deep ocean of unknown unsteadily, not hinting even a single warning and getting hit against the waves of despair continuously while the rope that binds the boat together begins to tear as lies soak the trust slowly in very gentle but alarming touch.

She promised before to herself that she will not trust everybody anymore, as everyone stabs her back in the end as always. Breaking someone's trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over but its never going to be the same again. 

His words swimming in her ears again as she run away from reality, like a translucent ghost a painter paints with a close precision. It's spectral but you can still see it.


	14. When the Darkness Calls Your Name

Severus can't help but to stride in the hallway silently as she bow her head down, trying to escape all eye contacts and slur words that students keeps on throwing at her.

''Why he is still here? He must be packing his thing and leave Hogwarts right now!" A chubby, third year Gryffidor girl said angrily as she watch Severus walking.

''Why? Did he do something bad that makes you angry?'' A Hufflepuff girl ask curiously while biting her nails.

''He is really bad, you know. I failed to see Potter this morning in the common room and I heard that Snape did something horrible to him.'' The chubby Gryffindor girl said while fixing her bushy blonde hair.

''Do you know what really happened last night between Snape and Potter?'' The Hufflepuff girl ask anxiously, praying that James Potter is still alive and kicking.

''Wait—Merlin's beard, what! Something happened between those two again?'' A Ravenclaw boy who is standing beside them exclaims, pointing Severus using his left hand.

''Yeah! I heard from De Lancey that Snape cursed Potter last night!'' A second year Gryffindor said as he joined the conversation.

''No way! How can you sure about it?'' The Ravenclaw boy exclaims, his face paints pure curiosity.

''I saw Potter in the Hospital Wing this morning, he is unconscious and his tan skin went pale!'' The fourth year Ravenclaw girl who is also a chaser said as she also joined the conversation, testifying that the rumor is really true. 

''He is still bleeding, I heard from Madam Pomphrey. Do you see his skin closely? It has multiple lashes on it!'' The Ravenclaw boy question back, making their little conversation filled with sudden intensity.

''I heard Black insulting Snape's name under his breath a while ago!" The Ravenclaw chaser answer as she make face.

''And Pettigrew's still crying. Maybe, he really looks very bad.'' The second year Gryffindor added in sad tone.

''Yeah. Lupin really livid, isn't he?'' The Hufflepuff girl said, she can't imagine the fact that quiet prefect of Gryffindor can be angry sometimes.

''As if he will kill and rip Snape's body into pieces!'' The Ravenclaw chaser exaggerates, making the the Hufflepuff girl scared to Remus Lupin for a short period of time.

''What is his punishment?'' The Ravenclaw boy ask as he played his long finger.

''Maybe a month worth of detention, he is still here you see.'' The Gryffindor girl sigh, as she look at Severus with disgust.

''What if he also hurt someone!'' The Hufflepuff girl included warily.

''I'm sure the Professors will not let him. I really wish the Headmaster will throw him in Azkaban.'' The second year Gryffindor said casually, making Severus to stop from walking.

'Azkaban, really?' Severus's mind fighting back but she only shook her head.

"Don't listen to them." Regulus whisper to Severus's ears as he covers it.

"You scared me! Why do you always pop in unexpected times?" Severus said as she clench her hands and put it in front of her heart.

"Whatever, mate. Let's go together to the Great Hall, my stomach is grumbling." Regulus said as his abdomen, signaling Severus that he is really hungry.

"Fine, I think I really need a shield from our schoolmates." Severus said as she walk a little faster than Regulus, making him to chase her again.

"You don't have to wait until you're perfect to start something good. Let them believe what they want, the more important right now is the fact that the git finally taste his own medicine at last." Regulus said as he chuckled softly, suddenly imagining how bad Potter's condition is.

"I heard the news, you know. There are some parts that is really annoyingly exaggerated, Potter will live of course. He got a handful of luck in his pocket, I really think he has more life than a cat." Regulus said in amused tone as the two enter the Great Hall while everybody stares at her. But Severus didn't notice it as Regulus already caught her attention.

"What, twenty lives?" Severus ask jokingly as she sit, picking the toast in front of her.

"Probably. Who knows?" Regulus reply as he glance at the Gryffindor table for a short time.

"What you did to Potter is really good. I hope he will never leave the Hospital Wing." McNair said as he take bite of his croissant, grinning as the school is finally Marauder free even if it just for a day.

"I wish he stays like that, invisible in my eyes for the rest of my school days." Avery said as he cheerfully pat her back.

"You really did a good job." The two said in chorus, making Regulus to look at his friend and frown.

"Whatever." Severus said as she can't stop herself from rolling her eyes.

A letter suddenly drop from her lap, making Severus wonder where it came from and who in their right mind will write her? She look at the letter's address and she gasp as she realized who sent it.

Lucius Malfoy.

***

Severus decided to ditch all the classes she have for the first time as she went to the old cherry blossom tree near the lake where she loves go every time misery is reigning on her heart, sighing as she realizes that it is probably the last time that she will see the tree.

It is her favorite part of Hogwarts and she wanted to spend her last days here as long as she can. No one knows if there will be a time that she will see this place again.

Her hand shakes as she open the letter that Lucius sent to her, she can feel her heart beats faster as nervous starts to eat her system whole.

Dear Severus,

I heard what happened between you and Potter last night, and I admit that I am really surprised that you managed to hex Potter and land him on the Hospital Wing for the first time.

What you did to those Gryffindors really amazed the Dark Lord and he wants you join the Death Eaters after you graduate and use the spell you used to Potter against our enemy.

I know that you really wanted to join us as soon as possible and I trust you that you will never said to anyone about this, you will never tell to everyone that the Dark Lord is inviting you to be Death Eater.

Your friend,  
Lucius Malfoy

Her lips aquiver at the moment that her eyes read the fact that the Dark Lord knew what she did and he wants her to be his Death Eater after she finished school.

She smile widely as she realized deep inside that finally, she can get what she wanted since she was young. 

Power and revenge.

For all this years, Severus endured everything. Her abusive father, her powerless mother and bullies. But now, as the darkness finally embraces her, she will not stop it from surrounding her fragile body.

She is sick of being helpless.

She don't want to be a nobody anymore, she wants Potter and his friends to feel the pain they inflicted to her throughout the years.

She wanted her father to kiss her feet and leave her alone forever. She don't want to see his face ever again.

She wants everyone who belittle her to bow down on her feet and cry blood until she order them to stop.

But deep inside, her heart is repeatedly asking her: is the path will she choose is right?

Is darkness the only answer to her problems?

There is also a one question that keeps on running in her mind for years as it analyzes what is really happening in her life: when will she escape on her own agony?

She cannot answer her heart and mind at the same time because she also don't know the answer.

She wants to have a life where she is the one who rules but she also knows that it will never happen in real life. 

We can't create our own world, we are just living on thin line of fantasy and Severus is the prefect living proof. No one can hide a secret from them, no one can. Even the master of manipulation.  
She heard that the scariest monsters are the one who lurks within our soul, and she's scared because it might be true. That there is a monster hiding somewhere deep down inside of her, waiting to be unleashed.

She is also scared that if she lose control, even just for a couple of minutes. She will ruin her entire life in just one flick of fingers, she don't want that to happen but everyone is pushing her, as they keeps on telling, dictating to her face that she will do that someday every single day.

People keeps on saying to her, whispering to her ears that she is the evil from the start. That it is already written on her palm that she will do bad things in her life one day. But how can people be sure about that? 

Who are they to tell to a vulnerable girl a thing that no one knows?

Sometimes a time comes when people are no longer but people. There is always a turning point in everyone's life that they suddenly become nobody in the world's eyes even if it is just estimated for just a couple of seconds, and there are inescapable moments that problems and uncertainty eats us whole.

People always think that what their eyes first saw is always right because for their perspective, no one can change. That once they made a grave mistake, they need to carry its weight for years until they die.

Everyone fails to remember that every man also walks on a very bumpy road. One day, life will tell you, "I will make you the ruler of all happiness." Tomorrow, it says, "You will be a slave to misery." But maybe every fall and twisted ankle is for our own good.

A wise man once said to young children that having something is like having a little hope. Having absolutely nothing is just like saying that life is meaningless. But that's impossible, for there is always something. Like the simple question every man ask, what is my real purpose in this world? Am I good or bad in everyone's eyes?

But no matter how fast or wise we walk, there are certain times that we cannot escape the darkness inside our heart no matter how hard we pretend. 

Just like how darkness approach Severus in the middle of dark times.

No one is willing to save her from falling in deep, unknown abyss of sins. 

If there is miraculously one person who is willing to hold her hand to stop her from falling, no one still can. Even the person who loves her the most.

Why? Because it is already late to save her.

Once the darkness calls your name, your soul cannot resist it and go back where you belong once. In the moment your tongue first taste the letter of forbidden words your mouth can muster, you already have the chains tied on your hands, neck and feet.

She looked into the sky and asked the clouds to take her away. 

Some feelings are made of a precious alloy, a sharp jewel capable of sinking easily into the skin, until reaching the heart.

"Why is it me always?" She whispered, as the sky feel the intesity of every words that escaped on her mouth. 

In the sudden moment of everything, here, then, and now, she accidentally totally forgets how to breathe like a normal person. She never knew that breathing can be so complicated as far as she can remember. 

"I am tired of all of this, I don't even know what is the right thing to do." She murmur to herself as she leans more in the old tree, waiting an answer from no one.

"I always pretend that I know myself better than what I notice about myself in the silence." She sadly admit, parting her hair as she laugh bitterly.

There are days, months, endless years when almost nothing happens. And there are times that minutes and seconds contain the whole world. But most of the time, she feel nothing but a wildflower scattered in the middle of grassy field.

Do you know what she feared the most? It is when the sky turns into grey and everything starts to scream.

Sometimes you can only feel something by its absence, by the empty spaces it leaves behind.


	15. Words are Sharper than Knife

Severus is really disappointed that the great James Potter of those prick and arrogant Gryffindors is still alive and ready to kick her in the ass any time he wants. Why, the sodding king of dunderheads can't die of blood loss?

Yeah, she already knows as everyone keeps on reminding her, saying in the front of her face that wishing a certain person to die even though it is the one you hates the most in the world is really bad to the depths of the Earth. But who are them to stop her? She can be the baddest person they can hail if the want to, but no one in any terms can blocked her way even though it means killing her soulmate is the only way to have an eternal peace of mind.

She wants to claw his hazel eyes out, pull his still beating heart from his chest but it looks like something she don't know is stopping her. Heaven knows that her hands is really itching to do something bad again to James Potter, but why her invisible enemy keeps on protecting him?

If there is someone the world is favoring the most, it is no other than James bloody Potter.

"I think you learned your lesson Snivellus." James said as the two meet again. His hand is still twitching from the pain she inflicted to him but it didn't stop James Potter from taunting Severus Snape, the person he hates the most.

"Yeah! That you are a jerk!" Severus spat in his elegant but playful face, crossing her long arms as she lock her eyes to his number enemy, the bane on her existence.

"Jerk? I am maybe a jerk but at least, I am not an attempted murderer. And I can't understand why you are still here Snivellus, you must be locked up now in the Azkaban for the bad thing you did to me." James said while grinning to his enemy, not showing any fear though he can admit to his friends that Severus clearly shaken his core.

"I'm still here, sadly. I'm really disappointed that you are still alive, Potter. You must be dead right now, a cold body that is trapped in a coffin, buried six feet deep in the ground. But you are standing in my front instead, laughing because you still ended up alive." Severus answer back, smirking as she saw James's face starts contort.

James open his mouth to answer Severus's insult but he suddenly saw Lily in his enemy's back, he have no choice but to run away to escape her before a tragedy happens. She may not be his soulmate but he still wants her to be his, and he can't forgive himself if Lily starts to hate him more.

"You wish James Potter to die, Severus? Is that what Slytherins did to your mind? Twisting it so much that your greatest desire now is to watch Potter die in the front of your eyes?" Severus turns around, her obsidian eyes bulged as she realized why Potter run away. It is because Lily is in the back of her, listening to the conversation between her and Potter.

"Lily..." Severus said, horrified whatever Lily might said to her. Why Lily always pop every time she musn't be?

"First, you said you will be glad if his mother died and now you wished to see him died!" Lily said angrily, her faced turned into beetroot red as another minute passes by.

"Lily, I can explain!" Severus said, her mouth slightly trembled as she fearfully faced the person she wish to be with her again. She can't mess up everything again, she will be nothing if Lily leaves her forever.

"Explain what? That what you said and feel is right? I don't know you anymore Snape. You are not the same Severus I used to know when I was still nine years old." Severus's heart begins to shatter as Lily starts to address her as Snape, the name she hates the most. 

She is not the same Severus she used to know? Severus can say the same. She is not the Lily she used to know when she was still a nine years old. Time ruined their relationship instead of strengthening it, what they both see on each other now is just a childhood mistake they bound made in some point of their life.

"I can't be your friend anymore, Snape. I'm done. I thought you'll still change because you will realize that the path you're going is wrong but nothing good happened as I wait." Lily don't want to be her friend anymore, it can't be true right? There is a part of Severus who prays that everything I just a nightmare since the beginning, that the two of them is still friends in the moment she open her eyes in the morning.

"Lily, please. Give me a chance! You're the one and only best friend I have." She pleas, praying for a little luck to be on her side even just for this day. She can't bear to be alone anymore, her mother already leaves her and the Marauders and her father always find a way to hurt her. If her best friend is on her side, all the pain she feels suddenly go away, but when Lily is not on her side, everything go wrong instead.

"I thought we were friends." She whispered, her eyes starts to glisten as it became teary while her mind starts to process that their friendship cannot be mended anymore.

"I don't want our path to be intertwined anymore. If we see each other again, let's pretend that we don't know each other." Tears successfully escape from her eyes as Lily said the thing that scares her the most, that the most important person in her life will treat her like an invisible, a who'll she pretend to be a person she never knew in her remaining life.

"No! I can't—you can't do that! Please! Give me another chance if it means I will let Potter to do anything to me and do nothing!" She swears, it doesn't matter if the Marauders bullies her if it means Lily will be at her side again. She is so desperate that she is willing to be tortured everyday by her bullies if it means Lily will be her best friend again.

"No. I'm so sorry but my words are final, it cannot be bend by your broken promises. Maybe I'm still lucky that I manage to end our friendship before something bad happens. What happened between us only became a poison, one of us will end up dead if we still continue what we had. Goodbye Snape." Lily said as she turned back at her once best friend, leaving Severus in the middle of nothing as she already decided that she don't want to be part of her life anymore.

Severus can't believe that Lily said that she is lucky that she managed to end their friendship before something else happens. She cries harder as she watch her former friend's shadow to disappear, feeling afraid as she discovered that no one will shield her anymore in darkness and loneliness.

Why? Where did it get wrong?

When you live in dreams, it inevitably will shatter. Maybe not now as no one knows when. Just like what happened to her, she believed for years that nothing will go wrong until a word she accidentally said ruined everything she worked hard. 

Just like a large kite flying freely in the clear blue sky, the handler knows that the kite will soar higher and higher as the wind gently blows it, until it became aggressive and the handler accidentally let go the thin thread his kite has. 

Just like the kite handler, Severus is also disappointed. Her friendship with Lily steadily flies in the air as there is no problems dragging them down until a certain person came into their peaceful life and torn their precious relationship apart like it is the only best thing to do in the world.

Lily sadly let go their friendship like it was a cheap kite you can easily replace with another one whenever you want. Severus didn't know that she is not worth fighting for in the eyes of her former best friend, she didn't know that Lily can replace her in just couple of days.

It really hurts deep inside everytime she saw her hanging out with another people, smiling sweetly with them instead of her. She promised to her, she did it in front of her but it only became a broken vow. 

She can only cry a river in deep sorrow in the middle of the night but she cannot shout to everyone that they already crossed the boundary, that they are already hurting her everytime a second passes by.

No one will listen to her.

No one will believe on her.

Stars are the only witness of her grieves, the cold and hollow walls of her room is the only one she can share with all of her miseries.

Let it hurt until it can't hurt you anymore, let the tears dry on your face as your eyes will no more shed tears if it is already tired of crying everyday. Years will pass and time will guarantee to you that your heart finally became cold and numb as you continuously endures every problem your life has. Not able to feel anything like pain and joy even if it is bleeding to death is the heart she always wish to have.

But sadly, she can't have a stone cold heart she prays for until now.

July 10, 1969

It is a sunny ten am, Cokeworth is usually filled with busy people minding their own business including a two young girls who is happily playing dolls and tea sets under the silhouette of old willow tree. 

"Its a beautiful doll, you know? I think I really saw you before." Severus said as her pale, long arms reach her friend's exquisite porcelain doll.

"When? I didn't remember any incidence." Lily said, tilting her head curiously. She don't recall seeing her before, as Severus is not her schoolmate and she knows that she rarely goes out because her parents are locking her up in her room.

"Maybe when you are buying this doll. I'm outside the store, looking for toys." Severus mumbled while playing her bony fingers, checking if her memory is still clear, intact and right.

"Really? It's cool. Are you sure you wants to play with me? You are a boy and boys play ball and cars." Lily asked for assurance. Everyone who probably sees them maybe got alarm and disturb because in their eyes, Severus is a boy playing girl's toys with Lily which is not appropriate at all.

"Nah, it is fine beside you don't want to play the toys I usually play with and I will still play with you even though I am not a girl because we are friends! I don't care if you are a girl. Its fine to you that I'm playing with you, right?" Severus lie in her face as she stroke the porcelain's silkly hair gently. Of course, Severus will still play with Lily because she lets her touch her dolls and tea sets, a moment in her life she never thought would happen. Why would Severus waste this chance? 

"No! Tuney don't want play with me anymore because she said she is now older and teen girls like her don't play dolls because it is now boring and very childish." Lily whines, getting upset as Petunia starts to refuse her to play with her everyday because she is already "grown up".

"How sad, but forget about Petunia playing with you! I'm here now and starting today, I will play with you." Severus reassures to Lily, giving her the most genuine smile her mouth can offer though it looks like forced a one.

"Even though its dolls and tea sets everyday?" Lily asked with the hint of doubt in the tone of her shaky voice, interrogating Severus to make sure that she is not lying to her.

"Of course! Do you want to play cars instead?" Severus answer immediately without a drop of fear, raising her right hand in the air.

"No! Thank you Sev!" Lily said cheerfully as she hug Severus tightly, smiling for the fact that Severus is willing to do anything with her whether it is good thing or something stupid. Severus who is not fan of hugs only hugs her back, smiling back to her friend because she realizes that she already found her best friend for life.

"Of course, best friends forever?" Severus ask her friend with the hint of uncertainty on her voice, offering her pinky finger to Lily to make an oath.

"Best friends forever!" Young Lily said cheerfully as the two pinky promised, smiling to the world innocently not knowing what the future may bring.

It is really good to know that there is someone who will be on her side if everyone is against to you, but it also really hurt when the someone you always relies in the dark times in not on your side when everything starts to scream your name.

Have you even fallen off the world? Because she already have.  
(end of flashback)

***

Ignorance is indeed a blessing, but too much can tear you apart.

Severus feel absolutely nothing but there are times that she cannot take it anymore. She once thought that Lily will be her best friend forever, as the two promised on each other when they were still young and they didn't know what they are doing that they will never be apart. 

But it only turns out to be lie.

Not everyone has the same heart like her, and that is a harsh reality. She only get disappointed as she keep expecting people to do for her what she would do for them.

It is funny that Severus always thought before that once you did a right thing to other, they will do something good in exchange. But instead, no desirable thing happens in return as she only felt heavy hearted in the end of the day.

Maybe there is an answer behind why not all things return for a certain reason.

How much does it take to make a world? How many tears she need to shed in order to make a world where no one can harm her?

She swear to herself that she will not expect something good will happen in the front of her eyes but she can't help it. Everyone can't stop their mouth from tasting even a little drop of sweet temptation of false hope the world is offering to us everyday.

The right time will come that the escaping habit that we used to do in order to survive is the one who will trap us in eternal winter of death, agony and despair.

Severus is not admitting it to herself but can already feel it. Unknown fears already started to crawl on her limbs slowly as the simple sleeping she always do every night suddenly becomes a daily torture she cannot bear to feel anymore. Her once beautiful dreams became an inescapable black and gray nightmares she cannot stop to face every night.

Would you rather pick a rose full of prickly thorns or to fall in the sky where you have a guarantee where to fall? Can you carry the weight of guilt if everything suddenly went wrong?

Severus can, but she choose not to do it instead. Her eyes are tired and her heart has nothing more to say. 

What is the point of doing it if the person you cherish the most will only turn its back to you in the end? 

Everyone has a breaking point, so she is.


	16. Where Reasons End?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter contained suicide attempt!
> 
> You can skip this chapter if you want.

May 1976

It is already afternoon and everyone is celebrating as the O.W.L.s Examination is finally over, Severus can't help but to smile as she found herself leaning in the old tree to relax her stressed nerves.

She is sure, a hundred percent that she will get all O at her exams as she studied everything for a year to make sure that she will not make even a single mistake. She decided to close her eyes to enjoy the moment of solitude she rarely gets but someone stops her from doing so as she heard Potter's voice again.

"Oi, Snivellus!" James Potter shout cheerfully while giggling at the same time while Sirius and Peter laugh loudly as they saw Severus's surprise face. 

"Not that bunch of dunderheads again." She groans, praying silently that the Marauders will some what accidentally evaporates their bodies in the air because they tried to used their maggot infested brains.

"I saw you a while ago, and oh Merlin! Did everyone noticed that your face is too close in the test paper that his big and crooked nose already touch the paper and the poor answer sheet got drenched for the dripping grease from your hair!" James said, taunting Severus more to angry her. Remus just look at his friends defencelessly, he don't know what he will do.

"There is no grease in the paper! You are just jealous because unlike me, you don't know the correct answer because you have no brain inside your mind. You are just an mindless cockroach the people loves squish because they are pest like you." Severus spat back, insulting James to the core. She knows that what she said is a very bad move but she also needs to protect herself from her enemies from bullying her.

"How dare you to insult James, Snivellus!" Sirius and Peter said at the same time, ready to curse Severus. Remus tried to stop the three but its already too late for that.

"I'm just stating the fact and your face is clearly enough to be an evidence on how stupid you are. You got hurt because what I said is true and you can't deny it." What Severus said make James angry more, making his desire to punish her iginites more as he clench his fist tighter.

"Who wants to see Snivellus naked?" James Potter said casually, already attracting too many audiences. 

"Levicorpus!" He shouted, making Severus to rise in the air by her knees and intentionally showing to everyone her greying underpants. Everyone starts to laugh, Sirius and Peter are the loudest as they saw how Severus struggles, making her cheeks to turn into beetroot red.

"What are you doing, Potter! Stop this right now!" Lily shout, ordering James Potter out of no where. He rolled his eyes from annoyance but he didn't dare to show it to Lily.

"Fine, I'm just showing to Snivellus his right place." James Potter said nonchalantly, suddenly dropping Severus in the ground with her head first.

"I don't need your help Mudblood!" Severus said at the moment she finally perfects her balance, making Lily's eyes grew from shockness of what her best friend said.

"Right, fine. Wash your underpants sometimes, Snivellus." Lily said before turning around while stopping herself from bursting into tears, letting James Potter to suspend her again in the air while putting soap without mercy in her mouth.

***

Its so cold but Severus didn't care even a bit, she still waited patiently beside the Fat Lady's Portrait for Lily even though she can't feel her fingers and battling sleep that is so hard to fight because after all, its already midnight.

"What are you doing here?" The portrait finally opens and show an still angry and very annoyed Lily Evans, it is clearly that her sleep has got interrupted as her eyes are clearly puffy.

"Lily, I'm really sorry. I can explain!" Severus apologize sincerely, begging Lily for forgiveness everyone did not think she deserves. 

"I don't need your explanation, I hate how to acted towards me. I don't want to talk to you anymore." Lily said, her voice is obviously shaking but the way she stands says different.

"I thought we were friends!" Severus said as her intonation rise a little bit not because of angered, but because of sorrow and longiness she feels.

"A true friend never call his friend a slur word!" Her red haired friend says, putting her hands in her slim but curvy waist.

"Please, I'm sorry. I just slipped out!" Severus said desperately, hoping that tomorrow the two will be fine again.

"Slipped out? Do you really see me as a friend, Severus?" Lily said while looking straight in her eyes, making Severus to tremble where she stands.

"Yes! I'm so sorry, I'll never call you that word again. Let's reconcile." Severus said back while looking at her best friend's very alluring emerald eyes.

"No! Go away Severus before I call Professor McGonagall. Im breaking my friendship to you now, we are now a stranger to each other starting today." Lily threatens to Severus, leaving her alone in the cold corridor while Severus tries to stop her, begging to stay even just for a couple of minutes.

People around the globe said a million times that don't get better at something by succeeding at it. You get better at something from failing at it because you learn something from it. She keeps on failing but she didn't learn anything from it, she just suffered from it 'til the end of day. 

Maybe begging for forgiveness is not of one of her fortes as no one listens to her genuine pleas and begs. There is no room for second changes if you are Severus, everyone judges her as if she made a very terrible crime to them.

She also heard that mistakes are choices you haven't made yet, but she never heard from someone that you you can still fix a mistake and change the choices you already made because there is always a space for forgiveness. Maybe, a handful of people can do that but no one can erase from the perspective of one person that you made a wrong decision.

Why can't her best friend forgive her? She is also a flawed human like her, making mistakes everyday.

It is really a huge mistery why people hate Severus Snape at the first glance, she don't know why people keeps on throwing sharp but rusty daggers on her chest until they get satisfied.

(End of Flashback)

***

They said that when you die, your whole life will flash in your eyes for seven minutes, narrating it vividly no matter how long and messed up it is. You will feel nothing as your heart starts to beat slowly until it gives up and you can hear anything that surrounds you even the quiet rush of blood in your veins. Your chest will hurts more as you breathe, grasping desperately for life but something is mellifluously lulling on your ears to stop trying, it inky hurts for a seconds but death will surely set you free.

There is farewell which means goodbye and farewell to the scent of hope. Severus close her eyes as she feel the loud and aggressive blows of the air as it hit her sensitive face, turning her bony cheeks into pale pink. She can feel her own heart beat as she found herself in the place where no one will suspect her to be with, contemplating if someone will mourn for her if they discovered that she ended to be a cold body tomorrow.

A few amount of raindrop fell on her sallow skin as her crooked nose starts to smell the scent of rain as it landed in the rocky ground, she can clearly hear the loud screams of thunder and bright flashes of lighting. There is indeed a storm is raging outside, sympathizing to what she feel.

All lies are here and now, and demands to be seen and yet she have a whole ocean of secrets inside of her that she is not willing to reveal to anyone. She is not afraid of lying consistently and she is also not afraid of receiving consequences she will earn if someone caughts her pretending to be someone she is not. No, she is afraid of getting lost, she is very afraid that if she tries to believe in the lie she was forced to told to everyone everyday, she will also start to believe in her own words.

It is not hard to make people believe in lies as no one can tell the difference of truth and lies. It is very easy to mislead people, you can manipulate them by using their hidden weakness but it doesn't mean that you will not be affected.

She wants to be everything she know she will never become, a freedom that was always wild and beautiful and endless. She wants to escape the reality even for a short period of time and soar in the sky, leaving behind all the problems she carried on her back.

She wants to be who she originally is, not a boy everyone thinks she is and not as the Resident Snivellus of Slimy Slytherins. She only wishes to be Severus, only Severus. She wants to use her own rights her parents steal her from birth, she wants everyone to respect her as a human being.

"I don't know if I can still live on the world I created with my two hands, I'm so tired. I can't hold it anymore." She whispered in the thin air hopelessly, looking down to see how high she is. Severus is currently in the Astronomy tower, it is one am in the morning and no one is awake to stop her.

The whole narrative of the world for her eyes as she grows up is like a very hard math equation she decided not to take in school. There is always a high change that she will get stuck in the middle, giving up as she can't come up for the solution.

Did she did enough? No one is really on her side to tell to her if she did something good in the first place. There are a lot of people saying that she ruins everything more, as never in her life she heard someone telling her that everything is perfect.

"The clouds are more elegant than me." She said randomly with the hint of bitterness in her tone, clearing her thought while brushing her oily, midnight hair using her long and bony pale hand.

Is what she is thinking now is really right? Whether she do it or choose to do not do it instead, she will and she will still regret both in the end of the chapter of her story. We can only choose one thing at the same time, we don't and cannot know if it is right and not and mostly, our guess is wrong because luck only laughs at us mischievously instead of helping us.

"I don't to be alone in the dark anymore. I'm afraid that someday, I will be what they always dictate in my face who I will be in the future." She mumbled, her voice is clearly shakes from overwhelming emotions her heart is receiving at the same time. 

Losing a precious thing is less serious than losing your yourself. A million miracles could never stop the pain or putting the pieces of her soul together again if everything is already broken and fallen all apart, as she discovered the hidden fact that she can't recognize the girl she saw in the reflection of broken mirror every single day. They might be sharing a very similar face but her eyes is telling a different story.

For years, she have been looking for a definition of sadness, and she hopes that she will never find it. 

"Goodbye." In depths of despair, she is talking. Her body gets wetter as of the raindrops that continuously kissing her skin while she tries to climb carefully in the broken window to avoid herself from falling, breathing deep as she let herself to gently fall down to touch the wet but now soft ground, welcoming death as she embrace what consequences she will face. 

Her life is like an artist painting an artwork, the painter start from an idea, everything happens in the head before happening before the eyes and painting is finished when the idea has disappeared. But, her life is nothing but full of wrong choices and ideas she didn't know if she ever made a precise  
decision on it. It is like painting an abstract painting that no one can understand, it holds too many illusions that makes most of the people to give up to encode it.

"Stop!" Regulus shout while panicking as he attempted to stop Severus from falling down, holding her hand tightly as long as he can as he promised to himself that he will never let go of her. She is the one and only trustful person he ever met in his life, he wants to tell to her that she is not alone in her problems, that what she thinks of herself is right.

No matter how many times we said to ourselves that no one cares for us, there is still a one person lighting your path anonymously. You, probably can't see them because you are too focused on your problems or because they choose to be hidden from your sight. Whoever that person is, he or she didn't choose to be with your side because you forced them or they feel guilt or pity. They stay because they love you, no one can translate of their love in any language and no one can measure how deep is their love for you.

"Let me rest now, let me end the suffering I feel everyday and die. And if it means that I should always be alone, let me rest in that also, isolated on the outskirts, but mostly free." She said while crying, stopping him desperately from pulling her hands. He have no choice but to hug her tightly to bound her again in the hands of life she hates to be with.

Her eyes bulge as she starts to feel deep inside of her chest a warm feeling that she can't identify. It feels like there is someone who lits a fire on her cold heart, an unknown emotion that she never felt in her entire life.

His mouth formed a small smile as he realizes that she don't know the truth that being loved by the right person just feels different, you can't illustrate or paint a picture to describe it. 

"I know your secret, Severus. Don't you dare to die now, you still have a millions of questions to answer." Severus can feel her heart drops as she heard Regulus whispering on her ears, what is he saying? Her face became unreadable as Regulus forced her to look directly into his steel grey eyes, squirming as she tries to escape him. 

If there is one person who manage encrypt all the mysteries Severus gave to everyone, it is indeed Regulus and only Regulus.He wants to cure all the pain she she have so she is not afraid to suffer as there will be more for sure that will come in the future.

"Are the you same Severus I assumed to be since the beginning?" Regulus said softly as he look straightly in her blank dark eyes, he has no choice but to tell to her friend what he knows for a long time. If it means it will stop her from killing herself.

Everyone wears a very convincing mask, everyone pretends to be someone they are not as it is the only solution they found to shield their own bodies from incoming enemies that may invade their heart and soul. But there are rare times that the mask you wear everyday finally becomes your flesh and blood as the seasons passed by.

You learned to act as a different person, you learned to breathe a different air and you learned to put high walls in your hearts to blocked emotions from crumbling your body down.

But you never forget who you really are.

Because deep inside, you know very well that you cannot escape who you really are since you were born in this cruel world.

A piece of dirty dish rag, ready to be thrown away in the garbage can if it is not useful anymore.

"Who are you?"


	17. To the Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter contained suicide attempted!
> 
> You can skip this chapter if you want.
> 
> And sorry for the late update, my RLS (that's a sleeping disorder) gets worse. I didn't get enough sleep for a week, my brain is not functioning well.

Regulus groaned for a millionth time, flipping in the other side of his bed and kicking his legs repeatedly in annoyance. Cursing his body as sleep decided to not to visit him this night suprisingly and torture him as the minutes slowly goes by instead.

Regulus obviously can't sleep at this time though he tried his best by closing his still active eyes. There is something that keeps on bugging him, warning and telling to him that there is really wrong but he can't point out what it is. 

Like why Severus's name keeps on ringing on his head? 

He is not a night owl and he doesn't suffer from any sleeping problems but everything is surely different at this time, it feels like someone is whispering danger in his ears everytime he tries close his eyes repeatedly until he rise in his bed.

He decided rise from his bed while groaning to check Severus on her room to feel the relief he badly wants and assurance to receive a peace of mind but everything only gets worst when he find nothing on her bed, and her dormates looks like they didn't care at all.

'Where did Severus go this time?' Regulus asked in himself as he feel his concern for her growing, whispering so softly that no one can hear except him.

Regulus next check the common room instinctly for answers but no one answers him instead, making his system overwhelm with oceans of questions.

Like why will Severus sneak in the middle of the night?

Regulus close his eyes to think of the places where his friend might be, walking faster as he tried to not waste any time. He is not a rule breaker, he never wander in the middle of the night but one detention won't hurt his pride right?

He can endure detentions if it means that he is sure that his friend is fine and still breathing if he did something foolish.

***

He don't know where he will go to, but he knows where to find her as Astronomy tower after all one of her favorite spots in school.

Regulus hug himself as he feel the harsh blows of wind hitting his body. Indeed, there is a storm outside so he walk faster to find Severus in time as his gut keeps on shouting at him that something wrong will happen tonight.

He can swear that he knows, a hundred percent sure that he will see Severus in the Astronomy tower stargazing because it is one of her risky past time, but he is also sure that trying to jump is not on his checklist. That's why his eyes grew as large as it can as his mind tries to comes up with the reasons about what the hell is happening right now.

"Goodbye." His ears still manage heard her voice even though there is a thunder stopping him from listening to her secretly.

He run so fast to prevent her from falling, but his body didn't want to coordinate with her. It feels like someone petrifies him and he can't help but to watch her to do the thing he didn't wish for her to do.

"Stop!" He said tremendously but still loud and clear—but his body is still against on him, his heart starts to beat faster as it sense that he started to panic as he saw by his two eyes that Severus Snape tries to cut her own breath.

"Let me rest now, let me end the suffering I feel everyday and die. And if it means that I should always be alone, let me rest in that also, isolated on the outskirts, but mostly free." She said to her as she struggles to free herself from Regulus's hand, looking directly on his grey eyes hoping that he will let her go to finally meet her end.

Regulus can't stop his body from doing pointless things as panic eats him as he heard her trembling but threatened voice while struggling to remove his hand on her thin arm. His mind can't come up for a better solution and do what is the first thing that come up on his mind, he hug her tightly to stop Severus from jumping on the Astronomy tower.

"I know your secret, Severus. Don't you dare to die now, you still have a millions of questions to answer." He said while comforting her, saying the secret he already knew for years.

The world perhaps already failed her, but he won't ever do that.

"Are the you same Severus I assumed to be since the beginning?" He asked, his voice went low that made Severus to feel guilt.

"Who are you?" Regulus asked but she is not answering her. 

The two can only hear the wind and the thunder outside as the tension and silence filled them while the two still staring on each other's eyes, not admitting that they are both starting to feel lost.

"I know that you are a girl, Severus." He said gently, caressing her hand but she got angry more instead.

"I'm not!" Severus said as she snapped, denying the fact that she is really a girl.

"Don't lie, you know that I know everything that passes on my eyes." Regulus answer back but still calm, sighing secretly as he watch her denying the obvious.

"Stop being absurb and misleading me! Go away Regulus!" Severus said, pushing him but Regulus didn't move even an inch and do something.

"No, I won't do that! You are the one who needs to stop from being absurb! Stop your foolishness, you can't die now!" He said while clenching his fists until it turns into white, pretending to be strong even though at the moment he saw Severus cry, it already breaks him.

"There is no point of helping me, I got expelled! You won't see me ever again!" Severus said as tears wildly stream down on her face, trying to let go Regulus's hand.

"I don't care! You are my best friend, even though I know you don't consider me as one. You can lean on my shoulder if your baggage is too heavy." He said in hoarse tone, caressing her hair as if it is the softest one he ever touch.

"I can't..." She said woobly, terrified of things that happening around her.

"Then cry, as long as you feel human." Regulus murmur, wiping the tears on her pale cheeks.

"I don't know what is the feeling of being one." She whisper, her hands are trembling but she didn't notice it.

"Everything you feel makes you who you are, it didn't matter how strange it is." He said, smiling bitterly as he tries to cheer her up.

People fall in love on what they only believe is true, and that is the reason why world is full of heartbreaks.

"I'm always lost, I don't know where I truly belongs." Severus said while looking at the outside, watching how the rain pour down in the ground.

"Don't be afraid to fly, I'm here to catch you if you fall. There is no need to fear. It's alright, I'm here now." Regulus said to inspire her, to encourage her to live to the fullest and not be stuck on the things she can get out.

"I live in a life that's full of lies where every words slowly starting to mold into truth." Severus mutter as she fall on her feet, putting her hands in her chest.

"Is that so? Then I will open your eyes so you can differentiate truth and lies. I will never lie to you, never try manipulate you." He swear, raising his right hand in the air to gain her already broken trust.

"I don't want you to comfort me in my own sadness. I don't want you to think of any words that will calm me. I only want you to understand that I will always have this deep ache inside me. I only want you to sit with me and ask when did it go wrong?" She warns, trying to distance herself from Regulus.

"That is not my doing, besides I won't leave your side until you open up to me." He said, facing his attactive face closer to intimidate her.

"You will also leave me like what others did to me. Please, run before you hurt me." She said as her lips started to aquiver,hugging her own body for the comfort she wants.

In simple thing like opening your eyes every morning, there is always a sign that there is still a hope but we keeps on rejecting every signs of it that's flashing in our mind because we don't like what hope shapes like. That is what always happens to her, she keeps on denying the things that will make her the happiest because fear always conquer her heart.

"There is no sadness anymore. Even if the world hurts you and deceives you, I'll embrace you." He said as he come closer again to Severus not to intimidate her, but to feel the warm of hope.

"I don't want to show any emotions as its already enough that I feel them crawling in my skin." Severus warns, trying to compose herself in spite of struggles she went through.

"Life is tough, so you are." He said while tucking some threads of her hair, making her fell safe and relax in his small forms of affection.

"I'm not." She whisper sadly. Regulus didn't hear what she said but he just smile at her when their eyes meet again.

She always wish that it didn't hurt this much but it does. And we can only hope that we are at brave enough to face all of this and that we'll understand what matters.

"Unknown fear is standing in front of you but have nothing to fear as I'm looking for your hands in the dark so you have no reason to cry. I will never leave you, whatever what happens." He said softly to tell her that he is serious, no one can harm her as long as he is beside her.

"I wish I was one tenth as lucky as you are." She said bitterly, not realizing that she is still lucky somehow.

"Really? Then I will give some of my luck to you." Regulus answer back while pinching her pointed nose.

***

"How did you know?" She ask, her voice is very brittle that Regulus think that she is fighting her tears to fall from her eyes again.

"How, really? You are very suspicious in my eyes since I met you, beside it won't change everything. Girl or not, you are still my best friend. I think, you really look great as a girl." Regulus said as Severus lean on his shoulder for support, showing that he is always with her in her hardships in life.

"Your delusional, I already look horrible as a boy and why you are still saying that?" She said callously, trying to provoke the still calm Regulus.

"You are special, no matter what because you are you. You are unique in your own ways as you can't force water to be fire, it won't work." Regulus said in honest and straight forward form, speaking from the experience secretly.

"Its hard to find where I really belong, you know? I don't know what path I will choose." She said with the trace of melancholy on her tone, confused on what the world gives on the front of her.

"Its fine, I don't also know what path I will choose. But can you promise me that starting now, you will stop from pretending and be the real you instead?" He said to challenge and to tell her that it is still okay at the same time. That it is fine to be uncertain at some points of our life because what is the point of doing the things you don't like if in the emd of the time, you will realize that you are going in the wrong side of the road?

"I will try but I can't promise to you that I can do it. It is hard to get out in comfort zone I'm familiar with." She promised, breathing heavily as the two pinky swear.

"Then I'll be on your side. And If someone tries to stops you, let's hex them until we landed our ass in the detention." Regulus joked then surprisingly, Severus gives her the most genuine smile her mouth can muster.

Nothing is really impossible after all.

No one has ever changed the world by doing the world has told them to do and no one can stand on its two feet without risking a fall.

"Whatever." She said while laughing and smiling at the same time without knowing that Regulus can't help but to stare at his best friend's face, as he accepts the fact that he is already falling in love from her and he can't stop it. He knows that loving her is a very foolish act but he can't let go of her easily even though she is not his soulmate and whoever her soulmate is, he don't know if he can return her from him when the time comes and Severus needs to leave his side forever.

"Will you stay at my side 'til the end of time?" She said with the hint of doubt on her voice, afraid that he will left her in the air like what happened to her before.

Regulus sigh as he feel her friend's anxiousness, caressing her hands to relax her for a short period of time. Loving a wrong person can be compared by fighting a war, fire with fire. But fighting fire with fire only ends up with people getting burnt. No one wins in the end but it doesn't mean that you are not allowed to taste the sky even a little bit and even though it is tempting and very dangerous, you will still search for it no matter how much it will cost.

He can mourn and cry later but for now, he will savor every seconds and every moments that she is still with him. Smiling recklessly like no one will pin points whatever they do in their own life. They are, maybe not destined to be one in life but it doesn't mean that he cannot choose who he will love.

"Always." He said passionately as he taste every letters that escaped from his mouth, not regretting even small of drop of it.


	18. The Last Train Ride

Severus can't help but to watch the green meadows silently from the window for the last time as she tries to stop herself from breaking apart again, reminiscing in the past moments she wish she is still right now.

What is the point of shedding an ocean worth of tears if you cannot turn back time and change the things you don't want to happen?

There is no answer in her big problem, no one can ease the pain and sorrow she feels deep inside of her heart. It always hurt so much when the time and moment she hates the most visit her in the middle of the day and team up to trap her in a place where she cannot escape.

No matter how much effort you exert to drown your own sorrows, sorrows in the end are very good swimmers.

You can't kill the thing that kills you as you are already dead before you did the act. Its a form of cheating that bounce back to you before the moment that you attack your enemies.

"How are you? Are you okay?" Regulus ask, looking at anxious Severus while wearing a very concern face. 

Well, who in their right mind will be calm if you know yourself that it is the last time that you will ride this train because tomorrow will not exist after this day?

Severus can't comprehend if Regulus can't understand that she can be sensitive sometimes or he is just pretending to not know some things that related to her.

After all, it is hard to read, tell and guess what is on the mind of Regulus Black.

"Do I look fine?" She snapped, still not looking at the person who is talking to her.

Maybe is just a insensitive person sometimes. As a simple no cannot stop his curious mind.

"Is it because you will not go back at Hogwarts next year? And is it because you have no place to go because your mom is now dead and you are still trap in your father who is an ass?" He said while using colorful words to describe Severus's father but deep inside, he is controlling his anger from bursting and his urge on cursing her muggle father until he dropped dead in his own house.

"How did you know?" She said passively, her voice becomes weak as minutes pass.

Regulus just gave her a warm smile before answering her, offering her an handkerchief before starting.

"How can I know it? Its in the eyes, always the eyes." He said while getting drawn at her obsidian eyes, not saying to her that it is his favorite part of her body.

"I---" Severus said thickly, trying to stop the tears that still manage to escape on her eyes.

Its hard to fight the tears that you bottled up for many years and it is so also hard to confess to someone that you already have enough, wishing everyday that problems will finally stop even just for a day.

"I can't leave the house because I'm still a minor in the eyes of muggle world, and the authorities will send me back to my father if they found out that I run away." She said problematic, her lips starts to aquiver as she tell to Regulus how unfortunate she is.

Severus hope that she can find a way on how to escape his father without the Muggle authorities sending her back as she know herself that she will not survive a week with her father without the presence of her now dead mother.

"I told you not to cry anymore." Regulus said, wiping her tears from her waxy, pale skin.

He wish that she can go with him but that is impossible, his home is not welcome to the half bloods like her and her parents will find a way to end her.

"Its very hard to do Reg, I don't know now where I will go." She mutter, her hands are clearly trembling involuntarily.

Regulus did the first thing he knows as he hides the fact that he cannot help her, embracing Severus to give her a small dose of comfort.

"I'm afraid, to be honest." She confessed in small voice, her head is buried in his wide shoulder to distract her own body, smelling a faint trace of bergamot on his expensive trench coat.

"When things are so hard, my broad shoulders and my warm heart will always be here to embrace you." He said passionately, hugging her tightly to shield her in incoming enemies.

Regulus always pray every night that Severus is his soulmate although he also knows that he only have a slim chance. Can the world answer his prayer for one and last time?

"You will not be always on my side and you can't lessen the weight of my baggages everyday." She answer, disapproving all the things that Regulus keeps on saying to her.

Severus can't say it in front of him, the truth that she keeps on concealing that she really wants Regulus in her side but she is also know that it is a first sign of selfishness.

Yes, you call her a very horrible person but she promised that will never be a selfish person. She never owned a single thing and call it mine and she don't know how to take care of it when its finally in both of her hands.

Its hard to fight your rights on the things that you only have one percent winning.

"Then write to me! Tell me what is hurting you when I'm not there." He said persuasively, trying to keep the flame of his faith igniting.

Only a one word, Severus only needs to say a one word and Regulus will go and save her. She can say straight in his face that she is not a damsel in distress and she didn't need saving, but he will always remind to her that he is not saving her because she is weak, he is saving her because he needs her badly in his side.

"I don't say everything, but I can feel it all. There are moments that I can't say what really bothers me." She said clearly while looking at both sides as if a knife will be thrown in her chest if she said more.

Severus obviously don't want someone to find out her secret again, Regulus is enough and she don't add want to add an another person in her list.

"You'll never walk alone again, you can share your problems to me. I'll find a way to help you escaping your nightmares." Regulus said to assure her that she give her trust to him, that he will never bend his words like what her former best friend did.

"I will try." She answer shortly, distancing on Regulus a bit as she starts to feel awkwardness.

Perhaps there is a piece of her who loves him, but not in the way he want it to be.

"I was trying to understand everything. I don't want to die for nothing, I wish it I can change everything." She utter, shaking her head from disappointments she went through.

Why Severus always receive more failures than the success she always crave for a long period of time?

"Do not dwell in the past, but instead think to the future. What you feel right now is not the ending of your story." He said gently, hoping that she will understand her. 

Nothing is more scary than thinking on how horrible your future will be, they said. But in his own point of view, being stuck in one place helplessly is scarier for Regulus because no one will give a hand to him. 

"You have me 'til the last star in the galaxy. If my heart can keeps on beating, then yours can be too." He reassures, caressing her rough hands to calm her anxious heart. 

"No matter who or where you are, there is something that you can do and there is someone who needs you. And If I could tell you one thing, it is that you are loved." He continued, kissing he forehead for the first time.

He tucked her hair in her ears while wearing caring but mysterious face and like before, he hide what he really feels about her because he is afraid of consequences. Secrets always surrounded us, as do the faces of the person we trust the most.

The scarlet train finally stop after the long hours of travelling, whistling loudly as it notify the students that they finally reach their directions. 

"Where are you going now?" He asked desperately as his voice starts to tremble, nervous that it is the last time that the two of them will meet.

"Nowhere." She said to him blankly, giving him the most genuine smile her mouth can offer to him for a short period of time.

After all, one smile can hide a million tears.

But for Regulus who is always uncertain in almost of everything, nothing else is ever seems to hurt like the smile on her face when its only running around in his memory as it is the last time that he will see her face ever again.

"Goodbye, I wish you happiness everyday." He whispered warmly, praying that she somehow, will find where her freedom and happiness lays.

It is not necessary to run around the world, to cross oceans and forests to feel the charm of the clouds, the sap of the trees, the language of the rivers and night to feel the freedom you wanted the most.

Paint your dream in your heart instead and do not let anyone to take possesion of you and invade your heart with unanswered questions, with thoughts that will surely lead you to nowhere. 

After all, there is nothing more endearing than freedom.

***

Severus walks calmly as no one still interrupting her, ready to exit the platform peacefully when she heard someone suddenly calls her in the nickname she hates the most. Groaning as she his face again, wishing that she can cast Sectumsempra on him again.

"Snivellus! Are you waiting for your dead mommy to take you home?" Severus's face became sour as she saw James's annoying face again, asking the universe why their paths intertwined again.

James walks closer to Severus, grinning as he saw his victim alone and vulnerable. To be honest, he didn't know why he feels always different towards her since the first time that they met, it feels like the two of them share a connection that they cannot differentiate at all.

"Trying to taunt me? Of course I will not shaken. I'm an independent person unlike you who still need people to help you in your troubles." She said, stopping the urge and fantasies to strangle James and throw him in the rails.

Severus can't stop to curse in her mind as she watch at her surroundings, there are a couple of people watching them arguing and they are mostly, well obviously Gryffindors.

"Well because they love me. There are billions of people here in the world and I'm very lucky, I have someone who really loves me and you say independent? You are just saying that because no one loves you." James said, trying to provoke a still calm Severus but he didn't know that she hides her hands fastly in the pockets of her robes without anyone noticing, it was clenched and ready to punch him straight in the face if she desired to do it so.

"How can you be sure? Maybe the people who loves you just fake their affection because you are a weak person after all." She said, smirking but hiding the fact that she is starting to lose her patience.

James finally, look straight at her face confidently when he saw his parents coming at their direction closer.

"I'm not, and even though there are people who really fakes their affection towards me, my soulmate is still here and she will love me." James said proudly, he didn't know that his soulmate is actually in front of him and n reality, the first person on his hate list.

Maybe, if hate can notify him even once that his soulmate hates not love him, he will surely throw himself voluntarily in the ocean.

"Yes, there are billions of people here in the world. Don't you know, maybe no one is really meant for you at the first place?" Severus tease, but she knows the truth that James meant for her since the beginning and that is the reason why Severus curse life every morning.

If there is a one single chance to change your soulmate, Severus will definitely sold her soul just to escape James Potter in her life forever.

"I don't want to see your face ever again, or you will face consequences." He threatens, his voice is and sharp as knife he knows that nothing bad will happen to him again. 

James don't like what Severus said because he is afraid that its actually true, what if there is really no one meant for him? That he is destined to be alone in life until he died? 

"You read me like a open book whose pages you tear are thrown in the trash can." She said throaty, looking directly at his hazel eyes to make him feel guilty.

She already knows that she is not that good in his eyes and he didn't need to tell at her that in the front of her face everyday.

"It is because you are not worth it, you are just a waste of time." He said in strident voice, clearly not affected on what Severus is saying to him because his mind and heart is closed for her explanations.

Yes, James admitted that he is not ignorant but he can be if it is Severus and only Severus. He can do anything what he wants because he don't like her, although he don't know the reason behind it.

"You misunderstood me but that's okay. I don't see the use of being understood anymore anyways." She said, smiling bitterly while still denying the fact that James Potter is really indeed her soulmate.

How do you define the phrase being understood? Is it when you finally know what is the feeling of being on other's shoes or because emphathy and sympathy guides us in the things we just understood automatically without examining what really happens? 

There are after all, waves of silent word like scars. You don't know what the blade inflicted to you until you are sentence to death by bleeding.

"There are a lot of things I do not know how to understand and then, do you understand? Through false feelings, attitudes, words, false thoughts, my whole life becomes a failed comedy I can't pretend, you understand?" She said in angry but sotto voce, making sure that James will still hear and comprehend what she is saying. 

Why James, who luckily win in the lottery of life cannot understand her even just a bit?

Is it because of her clothing? 

Her appearance?

Or just because of she is what he didn't want to be around?

A very confuse James tried to open his mouth to answer her back but Severus turns back, leaving him alone in the depths of mysteries as her words continuously eats him.

"Don't worry, you won't see me again." She murmur softly that James didn't hear what she said, watching her silhouette unconsciously with heavy feeling as it fades away slowly.

Is love after all, only an illusion?

Because if it is, is it the one and solely reason why the world is full of heartbreaks? 

Perhaps, the timing in terms of when and where they met is very bad. Time horribly, really mixed up without knowing as love doesn't know what time is for the first place.


	19. Fleck of Her Spectre

There is still huge part of Severus who is still waiting for her mom to fetch her from the train station, thinking that maybe Eileen is just late because her father beats her again.

It's hard not to assume big things that you know that will never happen even though you have been warn that it will hurt more when you reach the bottom line.

You can't stop yourself from hurting your own heart because you cannot feel the satisfactory you want, to feel the contentment you seek for a long period of time.

They said that silent tears hold the loudest pain and the more you conceal it, the louder it will echo.

"Goodbye, I wish you happiness everyday." A voice echoed in her mind, but in very low voice that she is not sure if it is from Regulus or if it is only her.

How can she be happy?

'I hate that feeling the whole world is leaving me.' She said bitterly in her mind, shaking her head slowly as she laugh at the contraries on how she see herself versus the people around her.

"Snivellus! Are you waiting for your dead mommy to take you home?" She angrily turned around as she heard James Potter's high pitch voice again, groaning loudly as realizing that she left her luck behind somewhere.

'Yes I am and I don't care if she don't show up, don't you see that you are hurting me more?' She said in her mind, trying to curse fate for torturing her more in her life.

"Trying to taunt me? Of course I will not shaken. I'm an independent person unlike you who still need people to help you in your troubles." She said, trying to escape her jerk soulmate.

You can't shaken a person who is already shaken, and if you know what is behind those obsidian eyes, you know that she is lying to herself ever again.

"Well because they love me. There are billions of people here in the world and I'm very lucky, I have someone who really loves me and you say independent? You are just saying that because no one loves you." James said, trying to provoke a still calm her but deep inside, her patience is running out and her fists turns into chalk white as she clench it tightly.

Oh, Severus wants to punch him in the nose if she can't curse him in the public. The bastard is really luckier than her, more than what she think he is and hell will still not accept him if she handed him to death today.

"How can you be sure? Maybe the people who loves you just fake their affection because you are a weak person after all." It is a weak comment, but it will still hurt his huge ego. 

Severus wants to throw James Potter very badly in the railway, she is so desperate to watch him bled, torn into pieces as she force death to welcome him in the hell. She can feel her fingertips itching as it sense another bad deed popping on her mind and she is not joking at all, she can be a bad person if it means that James Potter will stay in the ground, six feet under forever.

"I'm not, and even though there are people who really fakes their affection towards me, my soulmate is still here and she will love me." He said in a very proud manner, but he did not know that what he is searching is in the front of him. That the concept of soulmate he believes is just a huge lie he is feeding on his mouth.

After all, not everyone is affected by James Potter's charm.

"Yes, there are billions of people here in the world. Don't you know, maybe no one is really meant for you at the first place?" She said while laughing, but panicking deep inside as she knows the truth that her enemy's soulmate is really her.

Maybe she did something bad in her past life that the bad karma she receives in her life is really worst. If she can ask the destiny a one question today, she will ask why in all people of the world, why her?

She just want to have a peace of mind. That's all.

"I don't want to see your face ever again, or you will face consequences." Oh, she wants it too. Severus will give all the money she has just to escape James Potter and his friends.

Her wish is finally granted but it also means she is not allowed to go to Hogwarts again. That makes her sad for a moment as she bow her head in the ground, shaking her head in the sudden burst of emotion she feels.

"You read me like a open book whose pages you tear are thrown in the trash can." She said in a very brittle voice, biting her already chapped lips as she stop herself from crying in the front of her number one enemy.

She feel the agony of knowing what to say, but having no one to say it too. No one can understand what she currently feels, she don't even know if it is pain or just disappointment because she failed in life.

"It is because you are not worth it, you are just a waste of time." He said painfully to her, not knowing that the girl he is searching is in the front of him.

Life is a big mirror, it reflects back to you what you give off. The right time will come and he will regret what he did to the person he yearns the most.

"You misunderstood me but that's okay. I don't see the use of being understood anymore anyways." She said bitterly, her heart beats faster as she can't control her mouth from saying all the things she wanted to say in the front of him for the past six years.

She wonders that if she said to him, just once that he already hurts her, will James Potter stop from tormenting her?

"There are a lot of things I do not know how to understand and then, do you understand? Through false feelings, attitudes, words, false thoughts, my whole life becomes a failed comedy I can't pretend, you understand?" She said in angry but sotto voce, Severus can't fully understand what she really feels right now. Is she getting weak because she let the enemies to crumble down the strong walls she built to protect herself from the tragedies she didn't want to experience?

You are not sensitive and you are not overreacting. If it hurts you, it hurts you. But is she allowed like everyone, to complain if everything is already too much?

"Don't worry, you won't see me again." She whisper heavily under the thin air. Trying to catch the breath she needs as she feels the ground starting eating her.

'Because there is no, even one reason for me to stay in the place where you are.' Her broken soul desperately screams, pleading help to anyone to save her from falling apart.

She turns around, feeling scared as she don't know where to go because every directions hurt instead of helping her. 

"I miss you mother." She whisper, wiping the tears that rolling on her waxy cheeks, hating herself because she is too vulnerable and everyone can see it.

There was always something more you could have said but never did and some days that you feel everything but have nothing to say. She wish that she can turn back time and prevent her mother from doing mistake.

Maybe she will not be born in this harsh world if her parents don't meet, not existing is better after all than throwing yourself in the world you are not accepted.

"How I wish I can tell you today how my schooldays went." She mutter as she smiled bitterly, cursing herself for being weak.

***

June 1972

"Mother!" A twelve year old Severus Snape said while running to her mother, smiling brightly as she hug her mother whom she didn't see for ten months.

She is very excited to tell to her mother what happened to her for the past months, as she know herself that her mother will be surely proud of her.

"How is Hogwarts sweetheart?" Eileen asked enthusiastically to her happy teenage daughter while brushing her greasy hair using her long and pale, bony hands. Smiling as she remember the young her to her own daughter.

There are a couple of times that Eileen is asking herself if she became the mother Severus needs, she wants to know if she is a good mom. Growing up, her only companion is house elves because her father is always busy on running their family business. She don't know how to be a mother as she don't feel for the first place the presence of her mother as her's died when she was born.

"Its really great, Mother! I was sorted in Slytherin and I'm the best in the Portions!" Severus said proudly as the two started walk, giving her mother an assurance as Eileen did not know what happened to her daughter for ten months. Tobias Snape didn't allow her to speak to her daughter while Severus is at Hogwarts, threatening her that he will not let her to stay in the house in the summer if he caught Eileen talking to her.

Merlin knows that she tried her best to sneak but she can't afford to get caught by the hand of her abusive husband. She is ready to sacrifice what she has if it means she will see her daughter again for the next few months. She can fight loneliness if it is for Severus Snape.

"Really?" She said, faking her shock. Of course, Eileen already knows that her daughter is doing great in Potions as she is the one who teach her and being a potion maker runs in their veins.

She is very proud of her daughter, everyone will surely agree to her but there is a part of her wishing that she can do better, questioning herself if there is more that she can give to the only person that makes her the happiest.

You can't change what you refuse to confront. She will never know if Severus is satisfied on what she served on her bronze platter.

"Of course! I will show you my marks at the home, if father is not there." Severus said but her tone drops as she mention her father who hates everything that is related to magic.

Severus hates the truth that her father is the one who is blocking her from pursuing what she wants to be. Why Tobias Snape hates magic so much? Why she can't be free from the fear she is hiding since she was young?

"Let's wish that your father is not at home because the last time I checked, he is working in the new job he got." Eileen said hopefully to her daughter, smiling brighter as she told to her that her husband got a job. Heaven knows that they really need a large sum of money, not only for their everyday needs but to also pay the loans Tobias promised to pay.

Eileen secretly hides half of the money she got from working to support what her daughter needs from school, trying to be a responsible parent even if her partner can't do that. Even though everyone sees the two of them as a unloving parent to Severus, that's a big lie. Eileen did her best to the a good mom for the most precious person in her life.

"Well, that's good. I hope he will stay there for long so he won't bug us!" Severus said while bouncing from joy, showing her yellowish and crooked teeth to her mom.

Severus's greatest wish is to vanish her father into thin air forever, praying everyday that her mother will tell her on day that Tobias will leave them alone, that they will never see him ever again.

But sadly, that never happen.

"Let's hope then, sweetheart." Her mom said sweetly, her voice is like a music to Severus's ears as it plays again on her labyrinth like mind.

Some people don't just touch your heart, they brand it. Just like what her mother did to her, she will surely miss what the two of them used to do as her mother leaves her alone in the world without saying a goodbye.

(End of Flashback)

***

She open the door gently and quietly, wishing that her father is in the pub drinking or sleeping on his room. Its already night and the whole town is strangely peaceful, she can't hear any sounds except of her footsteps and breathing. 

She sigh as she saw the dark dirty living room, he is probably not in the house and she smiled as assurance hug her. She can stay on her room silently until the morning came, she can pretend that she is still not at home.

But everything went wrong as she accidentally dropped the favorite vase of her dead mother, the lights turns on and she saw her father sitting darkly in the love seat with beer can on his left hand. 

"Oh, no." She mumbled, trying to run in her room as fast as she can but his father is blocking her way.

"Look what we have here." Said a threatening but still a dead voice in a very low frightening tone, making Severus to shiver to death as fear started to crawl slowly in her body again and she can't do anything but to pray that she will still see the sunrise tomorrow.

The weight of the world and the weight of the feather, it's all the same when you're drowning. You can't compare what is heavier when you are in the middle of danger and you can't distinguish the things you used to know but you will not say that to anyone, not even a single word because you are scared of everything that might happen.

"How is my girl who manage to fool me for seventeen years?" Severus's whole body tremble as she heard clearly what he said, how on earth Tobias Snape learned the fact that she is indeed, a girl?

Her mother managed to hide her secret successfully for seventeen years, where did it go wrong?

No, he can't no. She won't allow that to happen, Severus can't let her father go know the truth whatever the cost may be.

But it looks like everything is too late as her father stop what is he currently doing.

"Cat got your tongue, darling?" He said while walking nearer to her, grinning as he taste the word darling in his mouth as if it an expensive honey. But it feels like the whole world suddenly stop in turning in her point of view as Severus foolishly look straight at her monster's obsidian eyes, regreting it as her eyes are starting to fill with great amount of fear but tears successfully concealed it.

Does it matter to the world if it caught you lying?

Because in the end of the day, whether we admit it or not, we are all pretending to be okay.

Will you get punished for telling white lies?

Because if the answer is yes, Severus Snape must be behind the bars a long time ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its my turn! I am the one who will give a song to you, my dear readers.
> 
> Sway by Bic Runga.


	20. Whispered Fear

February 9, 1966

Its a very chilly afternoon and Severus is already on her way to home from school when she picked up a broken action figure on the dirty ground that caught up her attention, tilting her head as her mind tries to process what kind of toy she had found while walking on the street.

A boy, maybe months older than her started to cry intensely as he saw Severus touching his unpleasantly looking action figure, thinking that she is the one who broke his prized toy, he started to call his mother for help.

"What are you doing to my child, you dirty boy?" A blonde, plump lady shrill at Severus, her face is so red that it can be compared to ripe tomatoes she saw at their dingy kitchen.

Severus was surprised, of course as she knows that she did nothing. She only picked up the broken action figure on the ground because of the curiosity that's bugging her, not because she wants it.

What will she do to a broken toy for the first place?

"What are you saying?" A confused Severus shyly asked, looking at her surrounding while searching for possible answers.

The plump lady pulled her left ear aggressively in annoyance as she started to saw her as an impolite child, showing to Severus that she is more superior than her and her family.

"Do not lie to me!" A voice like a foghorn attracted all the people who's near to Severus, making her to panic as she discovered that she is really in deep trouble.

The crowd started to grow as the plump lady scandalously point her chubby middle finger to her, while Severus just stared at the broken pavements as she felt embarrassment.

"What is going on here?" Severus raised her head hopefully as she heard her mother's sweet voice, not stopping herself from the urge of running to hide at her back.

Its a great timing that Eileen is there, shielding her lithe body to a plump lady who is harassing her daughter.

"Your child steal and broke my child's toy!" The plump lady said so highly that it makes a very usual silent Eileen to sneer.

Is that woman a banshee? Her high pitch voice is very painful to hear and it is obvious that the crowd is also agreeing to her.

"Can you tone down your voice, madam? My child didn't break and your son's toy, stop assuming things that you can't prove. Severus also owns toys, much better than your son's cheap action figure so why will he bother to take your son's toy?" She said cooly but deep inside, Eileen wants to hex her and transfigure her into a toad very badly.

The crowd laugh at what Eileen said that it made the plump lady to be more angry, ready to scratch her sallow face using her long and dirty yellowish nails. 

"You!" The lady shouted so loud that Severus needs to cover her ears, fearing that her eardrums may bleed but Eileen didn't even move an inch when the lady tried to intimidate her.

Eileen give the scandalous lady a very playful smirk before turning around, mouthing insults and rude words to the plump lady who harrased her daughter. 

"Let's go sweetheart, distance yourself from the scandalous people the next time you saw or bump them. Do you understand?" She said loudly and clearly that it made the plump lady to scoff but did nothing.

After all, her neighbors are just nothing to her own eyes.

***

"Please, do not believe in what the fat lady is saying mother. I didn't steal and break her son's toy because I don't play boy's toys and its really ugly! I know that you know that plus I didn't even know him!" Severus tried her best to explain to her mother while using hand gestures, talking fast enough that her mom made her stop and smile for no reason for a couple of minutes while staring at her face.

Of course, she believes in her daughter because she knows that Severus don't even touch her toys because its not even appropriate for her, just displaying it on her box of toys.

"Mother?" Severus called her mother anxiously while continuously shaking her, concerned as her mother suddenly stop on listening at her and decided to just stare at her face without a reason.

Eileen just smile more as she found out that her daughter has soft innocent obsidian eyes that look like the light kissing the sun in an abandoned house. She will never get tired of staring at her glistening eyes as sunlight hits it, as it can be compared at the most precious jewelry her hands had been touched. 

"I know dear, you are not the type of kid who steal another kid's toy especially if it is for boys." She said, making Severus to feel relieve at last.

Severus can't understand even a bit in why people always saw her as a miscreant when she is not, always judging her at her appearance only.

"What did she do to you? Did she hurt you? What insults did she throw at you?" She asked, her face clearly shows a hit of concern. Severus bit her parch lips as she looks on the ceiling, trying to stop her mother from being angry.

Why people is always rude to her? Why her mother is the only person who is kind to her? She already tried all things to best person she can be but still, nothing happens. They still hate her, most are at the first glance.

"The woman pulled my ear, point her chubby finger to me and called me dirty boy." She whispered, worried that Eileen may passed out but thankfully, it didn't happen.

She admits that she can't understand why people's mood is like a swinging vine, it can be high or low depending on the situations. But she know one thing for sure, her mother can be scary.

"Oh, Severus!" She hug her daughter tightly, hating herself because she is supposed to be with her side twenty four hours to make sure that nothing will happen to her but she fails, and Severus is the one who will suffer of the consequences. 

Heaven knows that she tried her best to be a good mom but everything is still not enough, Severus deserves more than what she has now. Like, she must be wearing a dress not baggy clothes from her father, her name must not be Severus but something that can identify her as a girl.

There are times that she can't help herself but to feel self pity.

"Thank you because you protected me." Severus said while burying her head in her mother's shoulder, smiling as she felt how warm is her embrace.

For the eyes of children, their heroes are their parents. But that unfortunately didn't happen to Severus because her father is the monster who is feeding her with unexplainable fears.

"That's what mothers do, they protect their children until they can." Eileen said earnestly, searching a place where she can anchor her weary heart.

Aren't she tired of saying I'm okay when in fact, she's not okay? But she can't let her mask to fall down from her face because she can't let her daughter to find out that she is also starting to crumble down.

"What if you get tired of me one day?" Severus whisper, afraid that on day, her mother will leave her alone to her always drunk and abusive father.

There are a couple of nights that she dreams that Eileen leaves her because she don't love her anymore and it really scares her the most. No one knows it but everytime that she dreams, everything feels so realistic and she can't differentiate the difference between reality and fantasy.

"You are a gift upon this exhausting path of life. I won't give you up easily, no matter what ." Eileen said in a silvery voice to her daughter, cupping her bony cheeks using her long hands.

Yes, it is very tiring to be herself sometimes but she has something that so precious that she can't let go her hands yet. Seeing Severus happy makes her heart also happy and whatever she is feeling, its alright.

"You're beautiful, don't you know that?" She said randomly, combing her daughter's oily hair using her fingers.

Eileen saw her young self to her own daughter, they look the same except for the obsidian eyes she inherited from her father.

"I'm not. You're just saying that because you are my mother." Severus said, rolling her eyes exaggerately.

No one said that she is beautiful before, only insults from her classmates but she didn't complain because she knows that it is true. Everyone is already stating the obvious and she has no right to deny it.

"Everyone needs to be reminded how beautiful they are and I'm telling you the truth. You are beautiful, my darling inside and out." Eileen explains, wanting her daughter to love herself. Severus can be pretty if she wants to, as she is not a plain looking girl after all.

She wants Severus to see herself not as a crumpled sheet of paper but a piece of precious jewelry a woman takes care of. She hoped that someday, Severus will stop on looking down at herself.

"How can you bear to be with father for that long?" A dauntless but small voice ask Eileen that made her question herself again.

Why did she bear to with Tobias for many years? It also made Eileen to question herself, and she don't know how to answer her daughter correctly.

She secretly confess that she sounds more foolish as time passes by.

"Just survive whatever it is." She mumbled, saying the word that randomly flashed on her mind.

Stop crying weak when they cry for help they said, she can't cry in the front of her daughter if she wants her to be tough.

She don't want Severus to be like her when she grows up.

The two stops from talking as they saw the door slowly opens, Severus pulled her mother's sleeve gently as her eyes bulge from fear that's tingling her little stomach.

"Hide in the wardrobe Severus." Eileen whisper softly to the shaken Severus who is currently hiding in her back, urgently following her mother's order without thinking a second as she runs fast towards the small wardrobe her mother have while dosing a large amount adrenaline that kicks her small body. 

Severus cover her small mouth as she hides in the dark and small wardrobe to stop herself from getting caught, she can't let her father go beat her again.

"Why I heard another rumor on the streets about Severus?" Tobias said raucously, glaring at his now silent wife as he open the door.

It is a miracle that Tobias is not drunk but Eileen can't tell if it is a blessing or not. Tobias can be less aggressive now because of his state but it doesn't mean that his words can't penetrate wounds. 

"Not saying anything?" He said, clenching his fist tighter as anger takes toll on his body, ready to slap Eileen's face anytime if he did not heard the correct answer he wanted.

He heard his neighbors talking at his back on how Eileen fought back to their neighbor and how Severus broke their son's toy and it really makes him angry as the two only brings embarrassement to him.

"That's nothing!" Eileen denies, her pitch rise a little bit.

A single tear escaped from Severus's eyes as she heard her parents arguing again but didn't make any noise. She can't see what happens outside but she knows that she made her father very angry.

"You're lying!" Tobias said, slapping her with a great amount of force that his hand mark on her cheeks.

A cruel relationship is like love, it's not a road but the more you go, you can't stop. If at the end of love regret founds you, at last the only thing that left is tear.

"Why are you doing this to me and to your own flesh and blood!" Eileen asked directly to his face, her emotions started to go wild.

She tried to look directly to his once warm eyes but she can't do it, as she don't know the man in the front of her anymore.

"Because you are what I didn't asked for!" Tobias said that it made Eileen's heart to be torn into pieces.

If Eileen told to him that she is a witch at the very first time that they met, will he able to accept her into his life?

"What do you want?" She asked desperately, lips are shaking as her mind processes everything that's running on her mind.

She can't give her anything he wishes but she will try to give it to him what he wanted, even if it means that she need to sell her soul to the devil itself.

"Why don't you and your daughter leave me alone?" Tobias said while sneering, irritated at his own wife's presence. 

As of now, in the point of view of his two eyes, she is just like his old favorite song. He's still memorized the lyrics but he didn't sing it ever again.

"I won't do that." Eileen said while shaking her head, refusing at what he husband is suggesting. She has nowhere to go if she leave him alone with Severus on her side as her own family already gave her up, eating all the pride that left on her hand as she clings on the man who can't love.

How much more do she have to love for you to know her heart? How much more time has to pass for him to love her?

"My love is like how a rain fell on the pavement, I fell too and even if I wished for it to stop, I didn't know how." Eileen explained, her warm words filled the room where she stood.

He built her cathedrals and palaces out of paragraphs on the first time they met. Many warned her to protect her heart and boundaries at the same time but she didn't listen and this is what happened to her, begging for love she yearns but still, she received nothing.

"I don't love you like I loved you yesterday." Tobias said harshly as he clench his hand tighter to his wife's thin wrist.

He fell in love at her petals and not on her roots. So when the autumn finally came, he didn't know what to do. 

He only love what she has outside, not what is inside that she is hiding. That is why when their strings got intertwined, he wish for it to get untangled when everything is already too much for him.  
  
"What happened to those sweet words that you said to me?" Eileen said while crying that Tobias had a hard time in understanding what is she's saying, her weak knees begins to fall as she waits for her husband's reply.

Maybe, she don't want to say goodbye to yesterday. As she is still unknowingly searching for a thing she knows she can't have. 

Loving someone is indeed a form of torture. Eileen admits that she still wants him in her side even though it already tear her apart, throwing her last card to make sure that he won't leave her.

But that only makes everything worse more than what she's expecting, as the last card she pulled hurts her more than easing the pain she is already feeling. 

"I never promised you a happy ending, I never said that I wouldn't make you cry." He said in very sharply manner, making his wife to cry harder as she begs for him to say the truth although he already said it, denying the fact that Tobias didn't want anything from her.

Not everyone you love will love you back. Maybe what he felt is only an infatuation as it didn't feel like his heart was filled. 

"I may have accidentally gotten my soul all tangled up with yours when we kissed that time and now we're fated to meet in all of our lifetimes." He said regretfully but still on a very harsh tone, making Eileen to break more apart.

"If we could start again, would it change the end?" She whispers with a hint of hope in her shaky voice, grasping for the little chance the heaven may give to the two of them.

When she plead for him to love her, her heart leaves. She hate that cold stare he is giving, that attracted her heart more to his life. 

"Can I have, even just a little space on your heart?" Eileen adds while wiping the salty tears that freely flows on her pale, sallow cheeks while waiting the answer she already know.

Becoming so much in love with him breaks her heart. He is her poem, but she unfortunately didn't finish it. She sadly run out of ink and began to cry 'til the paper was soak enough to make the letters illegible. She can't read him anymore like the way she used to.

"No, because I won't marry you if I have a chance to change everything we have right now." He said roughly that you can compare his voice to a sandpaper, its too rough that it can make your heart bleed.

Love's contrary is not hate and it will never be, it is apathy because when you starts feel nothing, nothing more will grow in the future. Love is an emotion where it feels like there is a loose firework inside of your heart, you can't stop it as you started to feel everything you didn't feel and even know before.

You started to distinguish the difference between infatuation and love.

"I will wish that I never met you." He said blankly, not thinking clearly and not even regretting every words that escaped from his harsh mouth, leaving his wife alone in the dark and quiet room while asking herself, where did everything go wrong?

Why do we close our eyes when we pray, kiss or dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt in heart. And that is she did and imagine everytime she doubt herself because of her bad decisions in life.

"What is love?" She whisper under her breath, eyes are still glistening as he rend her heart open.

Here's another thousand of arrows from her chest. 

(End of Flashback)

***

"Look what we have here." Said a threatening but still a dead voice in a very low frightening tone, making Severus to shiver to death as fear started to crawl slowly in her body.

She knows so well where the voice came from and it makes her to panic more. Why timing is always great when it comes to her?

"Why I am so clumsy?" She whispered, cursing herself to the moon and back.

"How is my girl who manage to fool me for seventeen years?" Tobias asked cruelly, grinning as he saw his own daughter flinch on his own appearance.

She wish she had nothing on her mind, just for a minute as she know herself that we are all slowly drowning into something and she keeps on sinking.

"Cat got your tongue, darling?" He asked while laughing, standing as he gets tired of sitting on the loveseat while Severus just watch him.

All these thoughts, she'd really rather not think anymore. She can't describe what she really feels right now, is she nervous or scared?

Its feels like she can't move her own body because of overwhelming emotions that keeps on flowing on her veins.

"Father, I didn't know that you are here." She said calmly but deep inside, she is in the whole mess of unanswered questions and mysteries.

Yes, she is in big trouble and she don't honestly know how to get out. Why it is always her? Why she is the one who needs to suffer on the things other people don't experience? 

"Now you know, Severus." Tobias said dangerously as her name rolls on his tongue, his eyes flash from anger that made Severus flinch and desperately wants to run but its too late for that.

She hoped that she can go somewhere instead of going straight to the home where she do not belong, praying for the things she let go carelessly.

"Why did you and your mother lied to me?" He asked heavily, gulping the cheap beer from his left hand.

Eileen maybe did that because she loves Severus and she can't let him to do something bad to her, but she didn't consider what her husband and daughter will feel at her sudden decision.

"Because you will accept me as your own and mother feared that you will end my life." Severus answered honestly, trying to remember all the things her mother used to say at her.

"I didn't accept you in my life in the moment you did magic in the front of me." Tobias said painfully that Severus can't do anything but to touch her aching bony chest. 

It really hurts deep down inside when your own father didn't want you because you can do the things he hate the most.

"So you are saying that mother only forced you?" She in a matter of fact, confronting the man she feared the most in the front of her.

Did her mother know all of this? Is that the reason why she chose to end herself instead of facing the harsh truth she is hiding from?

"Yes! Because I had no another choice to choose from but if I have, I will rid the two of you as fast as I can." Tobias finally confess, saying all the things he wanted to say to Severus for a long period of time.

He didn't really want this kind of life for the first place, he already planned what will happen to him as he grew older but he throw them all away in the moment Eileen came into his life and bounded him on marriage forever.

"Tell me, have you ever love mother?" She asked as she hear her own voice cracked, asking the most feared monster she had ever known in her entire life.

Her mother had an ocean of thoughts which pierced through her eyes and if you don't pay attention, you'll never figure her out like she did.

She will never know what run in Eileen's mind because you can't ask an already dead person and wait for an answer you are seeking. 

It is impossible.

"How many hearts did you break just to protect yours?" She asked, voice is getting smaller as they keep on talking. Her mother once said that love is magic mixed with insane madness and there is no single occurance that made her believe that it was true.

Unspoken doesn't mean unfelt in reality.

Severus's question makes Tobias freeze for seconds, thinking the estimate amount of hearts he put in his jar. Like is silence in love a tragedy or a poetry?

Their meeting was short like drunken affairs, but it was real. 

"Do I need to answer that?" He answer back in strident voice, and Severus can tell with only hearing the tone of her father's tone that he is quite irritated at the question.

Fill his glass, his head still remains empty. He can't give the young woman an answer she wants because he don't also know how to answer her question. Even if he could stop thinking about Eileen, he wouldn't. His heart hides so many words which he couldn't speak at all.

Did he ever love her? They said, locked memories stab you the most and probably, that's absolutely true. His lips tremble as he looked at his own daughter, he lately realizes that she looks like her mother except for the eyes that she inherited from him.

It feels like he is looking at very clear mirror everytime he looks straight at her glassy eyes. Her eyes after all are the quietest ocean he had ever known.

"No, but I want to know if you did. Because if you did, why will she choose to leave?" Severus said sadly, throwing invisible knives into her father's stone heart. 

It makes him guilty to be honest, thinking he was once capable of giving his world to her when in reality, he was very much able to consider her as nothing more than a pebble in his life.

"I don't. I only fell in love at her lies, not by herself." He clarifies, telling not for the first time that he only loved her once because of the world of lies his late wife created.

How he wish he can prevent all of this to happen, maybe the two of them not being married is the best thing to happen as it only lead to sadness and pain he will bear until his last breath.

"I, I don't want to with you anymore. I can't bear to be with your presence anymore." Severus said bluntly, desperate to escape at his father's clutches.

She wanted to live her remaining life not by fear but freedom she yearns but she can't do it. There is something that's keeping her from running away in the life she wants to escape. 

"Then do not ever go back in my life. Fate made the biggest mistake in my life and do you know what is it? You." Tobias answer back unsympathetically, making his own daughter's heart to beat faster than it is.

She is just a mistake, she knows that very well. But why it still hurt everytime she hears that?

"You're a very horrible man, don't you know that?" Severus throw back, trying to fight the urge of hurting her father using magic.

Why did she land on a man who can't love? Why did she have a bad parents? Why people who don't deserve good things in life is the one who gets better things?

It is very unfair that a very excemptional girl gets nothing at life.

"Don't say that in the front of me, you brat!" Tobias shout, totally angry at Severus.

Why did he have a daughter who can take everything down if she wants to?

"Why? Its true! I act like I don't care but deep down, all of this! It's killing me." She said frankly, telling all the things she wanted to say to the man she called father.

When she feel too much, she say very little. It feels like someone is squeezing her tightly until she explodes and she can't stop it, her emotions will burst at any time.

"I want be okay, I want feel fine but I know that I won't and mostly, I can't and it is all because of you." She said thinly, pulling her shoulder length hair aggressively until her scalp bleeds but still, she can't understand why she didn't feel any pain at all.

As she grow up, she realized that keeping up everything in private is better than being loud. It looks like she is already numb inside as she begin to know what is between the walls.

"You inflicted too many wounds on me, the pain you had left is so real. There is too much inside that time alone cannot erase it." Severus utter, trying to catch up all the breath she lose.

Why can't the pain go away on its own? She is in deep pain that there is no remedy to ease what she feels, she is so numb that she can't feel anything.

"You don't deserve anything, you ungrateful daughter of the devil!I wish you didn't born to this world for the first place!" Tobias said, ridiculing the girl she hates even though she is his own flesh and blood.

Severus clench her hands who biting her tongue, trying to stop the thing that wants to get out of her body everytime she lose control.

No, she can do it. Just concentrate, focus and you will not lose control like what happened before. 

But its too late for that. At the moment she close her eyes to conceal all the things she felt, she unknowingly pushed her father on the cold, hard wall with great amount of force accidentally, making her father to lose consciousness as his head is the one who has the great damage. 

A sudden silence filled the whole room as she stared at her unconscious and bloody father, biting her chapped but glossy lips as she panics, she do not know what to do at this moment of her life.

She didn't know if her father is still alive or not.

Did she kill him?

Is she a murderer now?

Because if she is, she is afraid of what will come next.

Have you ever been floating along just trying to be okay and then all of the sudden life slaps you in the face and suck all the words and thoughts right out of you, not even leaving a scream to get you going again? 

She was always stuck at that moment like now, and she can't help herself to get out safely.

A very loud bang suddenly echoes at the living room for a couple of seconds and a very bright white light started to blind her eyes, totally confuse at what really happens to her.

"Severus Snape, you are arrested for hurting a muggle using magic." A low yet a very powerful voice said in front of her, making her whole body freeze in fear at the moment as she discover what is the consequences when you hit a muggle using magic.

How many wreckages did she pretend to not experience? She always hides away just like a ghost hoping to be left alone but wanting to be found. 

How to sow at any wind when it is dead calm? Nothing for sure sounds better than silence but to much can hurt your ears and it already made her insane inside out.  
  
She have too many words to say, if only there is someone who would listen.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Don't forget to press kudos and left a comment down below to know if you like my story or not, or simply because I really need improvement. 
> 
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> Love lots everyone!!!


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